The new me

The Good and the Bad

The better I get, the lazier I become. How does one break this cycle?

After coming home from the hospital, I had this awesome energy to get things done. I was productive. I did what I said I would do. I was committed to getting things done. I would make a list of things I planned to do and I did it. I wasn’t comfortable not doing what I had written down. I started this blog with the intention to write an entry every Friday. Then, it turned into Saturday…Sunday and now, I write one at any time.

I wish I was still like that. I mean, I was doing other things other than this list. I needed something to keep me busy and feel like I did something with my day. It wasn’t a waste. Kind of gave me a purpose.

In the past year, so much has changed. I have been doing more. I have been social and going to events. I am doing things with friends and family on the weekends. That results in me being tired all week and not wanting to do anything. I am tired. It takes a week for me to get back to normal. During the week is when doctor appointments are scheduled. We’ll go food shopping. All those little things.

The older you get there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything. After doing shopping or watching tv/hanging with yourself, the next thing I know, the say has ended. Nothing that I wanted to do got done. The next day it’s the same. It’s a cycle.

So maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on myself about that. I may not be getting everything done on my list but…I am doing more than I was before.

This whole write up was hard to write. I’m so hard on myself. I have these high expectations; that’s why not checking off items on said list bothers me. I need to do everything. I used to not be like this. I need to relearn that it isn’t the end of the world. That it’s okay not to get everything done. I have to learn that it’s okay and to enjoy the day. If I’m not productive, I’ll do it tomorrow and if I can’t, we’ll, it wasn’t meant to be. I think this is difficult part. It’s gonna take a while for me to come to terms with it. I didn’t think it would be hard.

Some parts of your personality is from birth. Your likes and dislikes change but generally stay the same.

As you get grow up, you change/alter your personality that works or doesn’t work. It’s hard to really explain. There are core personality traits that are from birth. There are alterations. I was reset. I went back to what I used to be when I was younger. All the changes were undone.

I became this person that acts on her emotions. She gets close to people and hold them at high regard. One that trusts friends and family, unconditionally. That gets hurt often because of all of this. One that has to check off her list. Who has to have everything. Doesn’t leave anything to chance. That has to do everything her way and gets upset when someone doesn’t do it that way. Thinks that everyone wants her opinion. Believes everything everyone says. Gets upset that she doesn’t recycle or anyone recycles.

These are things that are still there, so maybe that’s just who I am but I had control of it. I knew what to suppress and what not to. I knew when I should let someone in. I knew that it wasn’t the end of the world if my list wasn’t done. I was aware that all people weren’t your friends. I knew I didn’t have to get everything done. All would and will be alright. The world will still be turning. All will be right in the world.

My list doesn’thave to be checked off all the time.

Here. Enjoy this picture. KBye.

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Funsies

Back up

I’m going to go back a few weeks to my cousin’s birthday. We had gone to a paint studio for a paint night. This was my second one and it was a good time

We went to one down town by the water. It’s a fairly new studio and it’s cute. We had some drinks and laughs. My sister, her boyfriend and I had to play catch up. Good thing for us they had a couple of breaks for the paint to dry some.

The only downside I saw was when it came to space. I don’t like painting on one of those stand things that hold up your canvas. They had those table top ones and I don’t enjoy those. I like painting and drawing on my lap, floor, or tabletop. I felt like everyone was too close to me. Lol

Here are some fotos of that night:

Look how talented we are! Masterpieces! 😬🙌🏻

It was a fun night. They had beer and wine that you could buy. They have a kitchen that you can buy appetizer like dishes. It’s a cute date night! It’s called Muse Paintbar. Check them out to see if they’re located somewhere close to you.

I’d recommend them. I would and no I’m not getting paid by them lol I’m telling you about them for fun. You’re more than welcome to paint together! lol you know where to find me…in the comments section! ✌🏻

Feelings

It’s late

1:45 am to be exact. I’m going to die not because of a car but from the stress people cause me.

When am I gonna be the person I was before? The person that didn’t get close to anyone and wasn’t friends or try to be friends with people? It’s the ones that I trust in what they’re saying and give them more of my time that turn out to be someone I gave my friendship to them too soon or too much.

It sounds like I’m dating them. That’s what it feels like.

I have been frustrated trying to gain the friendship of another that doesn’t want to be friends with me. I don’t think I’m a bad friend. If I were, I wouldn’t have had as many friends as I did at my hospital visit. That just wouldn’t have happen.

Anyway, it’s hard being ‘friends’ with someone that doesn’t value it or consider you as one. That feeling sucks. Friendships and romantic relationships are not too different. Minus the ‘love’ grossness. It’s a different ‘love’ but ‘love’ none the less.

I can confidently say that I’m direct. No matter what it is, I can say it. If I’m telling someone else something, well, I have no problem telling you. With that, I expect you to do the same. One cannot learn from their mistakes if you avoid telling them. How is another supposed to know what they did wrong? How can someone be self aware if they don’t know what they did wrong to begin with? No one in perfect. Avoiding conflict benefits no one except you. It doesn’t ‘damage’ your Ego. If you were wrong, it does but if you were right, then the opposite happens. Self fulfilling prophecy has made you confident that you, in fact, know this person. But when you assume that you know people and you respond to the next person the same way, then you feel defeated. This causes one to retreat and prevents them from confronting again.

I don’t like doing that and don’t like it when it’s done to me. I have never had a reason to get mad about it. Nothing to get mad at someone for it. I will, however, get mad that you bring it up months or years from now and expect me to do something about it. Or use it during a fight that has nothing to do with the issue at hand. That shit is annoying. If you waited that long to say anything about it, it wasn’t a big deal then. I’ll be mad that it took so long for it to come out.

Especially nowadays, I genuinely wanna know if I do or say something wrong to someone. I want to know because I’m still learning myself and others. It only helps me. I can change the way I respond or act. I can not do it again. It teaches me what to be conscious about. It’s beneficial to me. It is. Now, if you start fighting with me without telling me, all hell will break loose.

I know how to say sorry and mean it.I make mistakes. Oh and I know how to forgive if you know how to apologize.

Moral of the story: I’ll tell you if you’ve hurt my feelings/upset me. Without a problem. Please, do me a favor: Tell me when I do something wrong. It won’t hurt my feelings.

Update

To Seda

This is for the cousin. The cousin who is like a little sister who is really the older, responsible one.

Breaking News: I’m on my way to NYC. On the train with my coffee. I put the coffee between my legs to get comfortable only to squeeze my caramel macchiato onto my pants. I’m currently cold and I’m gonna have a wet spot on my butt. Off to a great start.

Tonight is a paint party. It was supposed to be a surprise but obviously, not a surprise. A few of us are painting with drinks and food. Hopefully, a few laughs too.

Her birthday was Wednesday, the 13th. We had a little, baby surprise with just us family. It was cute in time for when she got home from work. We had cake, a photo shoot, gifts, and the obligatory game of Scrabble. I talked up a big game, messed up, and came last. It was pretty embarrassing lol. Thank goodness my cousins and sister aren’t in your face about your loss 😳🙄.

Tonight, we create masterpieces and get drunk making them. That’ll happen to me, anyway…

Seda turned 25. The cursed 25. Seda! The night is dark and full of terrors.

Happy belated birthday!! Love you!

Feelings, The new me, Update

I’ve been learning since, but it doesn’t mean I’ll float.

Some things are made a huge deal in my head and turn out to be the opposite. Which is great! But than again, was it worth making it a big deal? Is it better to be ready for the worst or is it better to be easy going about it? What’s going to cause me the least amount of stress?

I see it as I should be ready for the worst regardless of if it happens. Better safe than sorry, right? Why do I have to put myself through this emotional rollercoaster as if it is happening to me, at that moment? The act of preparing myself for the worst should decrease my anxiety, right? It doesn’t. I get worked up trying to make sure I have everything for later but I’m so worked up until whatever it is I’m waiting for, passes. I should be calm the whole time. I hate it.

This anxiety or whatever you want to call it, literally prevents me from sleeping and eating. You’re probably reading this and thinking I might be over exaggerating. This isn’t the case. I guess I could be but I don’t like sugar coating anything and I don’t just say something just because. This is what happens to me. I have always had thing anxiety, I believe. I knew how to cope with said anxiety. I knew how to respond to anyone that came around. I know how not to get too close to anyone. I knew better than to trust what was said. I knew what some meant because I know them. It’s frustrating.

It’s frustrating that I have fallen back to my middle school days. Moving to New York from Pennsylvania was tough. I left behind a school I was happy with and I had my best friends. I didn’t want to leave them. It was hard, to say the least. Anyway, I was stuck between the two states. I left behind friends that I tried to keep in touch with. I tried and they tried…it didn’t work out. I became a person that embraced the new friends and school but with hesitation. I made friends but it was just that. Friends at school. I made friends lol that happened 11th grade. I made friends I just didn’t get too emotionally involved. So if we grew apart, I didn’t get upset. It worked. What I’m getting at is I was learning how to keep the world at an arms length.

Now. lol I’m right back where I was in 2000. I have to relearn all that. It’s weird to relearn something you already know but it’s happening. My head and my heart is doing it all over again. I’m not ready for it all over again. I did better when I knew what I was putting myself through. I knew what to do with and where to put my anxiety. I don’t know how to work with it. I don’t know how to calm myself down or how not to get too close to people and things. I have no idea how to stress myself out less. Because of all this unpreparedness in my life I don’t want to leave the apartment. I’m not depressed…I don’t what you to think that I might be. No, not at all. I don’t know how to deal with the shit in my head and in situations that I’m no longer familiar with. I don’t know how to wing it. I can’t. I don’t like meeting new people because I get too wrapped up in them. I don’t want people I know either because I get too wrapped up in them. I don’t want to be in new places because I don’t know what’s going to happen or how I’m gonna feel.

All this uncertainty makes me want to do nothing.

I am, thought, pushing myself despite what I’m feeling. I know I’ll get through it. I won’t die. It won’t be the end of the world if I don’t have everything. It’s alright if I don’t know someone. What people say, may just be words after all. I have to teach myself that I’ll be okay. I have to tell myself that it’ll be better than I thought.

Update

200mg

I’m gonna use this time to document what/how I feel after using 200mg of lamotrigine. I’m going to let you know how I feel for the next two weeks. I hope I don’t feel any different but I’m gonna assume that I won’t be a regular human being. We’ll see how things go.

I was supposed to start the higher dosage on Thursday, after my appointment with my neurologist…but I didn’t. I didn’t because I wanted to enjoy my friend Craig’s wedding on Sunday. I did have a blast and now it’s done. I’m home and I started taking the higher dosage tonight. I hope it doesn’t make me feel any different than I do now. Of course, I won’t know after a day or two.

In two weeks, I’m supposed to call and let the doctor know how things are going. I have a feeling that I’m going to be telling him that I hate how I feel overall. I don’t think it’ll be good. I’m gonna give it try and see what happens.

I feel like I’ve signed my life away but I’ll try to keep an open mind. I asked Matt and my parents to keep tabs on how I am. We’ll see…who knows? Maybe it won’t be bad at all or maybe I’ll hate every moment of it.

Apparently, no one liked me being emotional lol with that it kind of feels like no one ever liked my emotional self. Gotta make everyone else around me happy, right? Gotta bite the bullet and hope for the best. Who knows? Maybe I’ll like myself being someone else who isn’t me…

I understand why others might not want to be on mood stabilizers. You’re not ‘you.’ It’s hard to explain it to someone else who hasn’t been faced with it. Maybe that means there is something wrong?

I’m just gonna go with that no one liked me before or after. Heh. Whatever.

🙌🏻wish me luck!

Update

Last night,

I went to my friend Craig’s wedding! I brought Jenn as my guest and had a great time. I was well fed (thanks, Craig and Sandra!) and had some dance moments that were naturally, the best.

I am extremely happy that these two wanted me to be there for this amazing moment in their lives. Never thought I would be but I’m glad I was!

When I go to weddings or anywhere for that matter, I don’t know how to take photos. I forget. When I do it’s because someone else has told me too. I prefer it when others take these pictures and send them to me. So thanks to Jenn we got some selfies in there but didn’t get any with the bride and groom or of the venue itself :/

Oh so my medication, Lamictal aka Lamotrigine, has been increased to 200mg. This happened on Thursday but I haven’t started it because I wanted to have a good time at Craig’s wedding. I wasn’t void of emotions…not yet. My neurologist asked me if what I was feeling was anxiety and not seizure caused. Got me thinking, naturally. I don’t know what it is. He said I should take it for 2 weeks, let him know how it is, and if it doesn’t work, he’d suggest I get admitted into the hospital for a few days to see what’s going on. I’ve been on Lamictal for a good year before it was determined that I might have seizures but I never had a traditional seizure.

It might not be a bad idea for this to happen. Of course, I’d be terrified but then again, we’d all know what is going on and I’d know what’s normal or not. I don’t know. Most is speculation, on my part. Maybe what I think is happening isn’t the case, right?

A part of me wants to do that so I can be put on medication that might not make me into this emotionless cardboard box. I’m not a person that feels nothing. I am the one that cries when she is sad. The one that yells, screams, and says what she wants. I don’t suppress feelings of anger, happiness, or sadness. I am the one with feelings. I want to enjoy my friend’s wedding. I don’t want to worry about whether or not I’m gonna have fun. Who worries about that?

I’m fine with 150mg of Lamictal/Lamotrigine. I still have a personality. I felt the best at 25-30mgs. I’m gonna call my doctor again this week and tell him all this. Maybe I’ll try to make another appointment for as soon as possible and get this all off my chest. I don’t like it. I want something else that maybe works with Lamictal. I’m being too picky but I want something that makes me feel best.

I’d tell someone else to do that. I should take my own advice.

clear the air, The new me, Update

Entitled

‘From their review of over 170 studies, the researchers found that entitlement creates a vicious circle:

1 Entitlement creates feelings of disappointment.

2 Disappointment leads to anger and other strong negative emotions.

3 The negative emotions require the person to reassure themselves they are special.’

The article I’m quoting is by PsyBlog. It’s a short piece. Before continuing this, give it a read. It might have you thinking about yourself…being honest with yourself and trying to be a better person isn’t a bad thing. Give it a try 🙃

I don’t feel entitled. I don’t believe I am either. I’d guess that others wouldn’t say that about me but close family members might say ‘yeah. She might be.’ If you ask me that’s how I would respond with. Consciously, I’m not. Unconsciously, I might be. The things I say and do may not cry ‘entitled’ but underneath it all, that might be exactly what’s going on.

To respond to the three statements above:

  1. I do carry feelings of disappointment especially towards others around me.
  2. As a result, I do become angry towards said person. Strong negative emotions to the core.
  3. I always reassure myself that I am right and I am different therefore their reactions need to fit those differences.

So the question is: Do I think I’m entitled to certain things because of my accident?

Usually, when someone says on is ‘entitled’ they’re talking about material things that involve money. ‘I worked hard so I deserve…’ When you look at that, no I’m not entitled. What the article is talking about is more than that and I believe that’s what I’ve got going on with me lately.

‘I was in this accident; my world was turned upside down and everything is so different. I have to make all these changes without a choice.’ That’s the mindset I have going. If you’re a family member, it’s ‘if I have to change you have to’ and that usually follows with some statement about all this happening to me, I’m different. I deserve certain reactions and emotions from you. I can’t have you respond like a normal human being.

When I don’t get that, I get angry. I get angry because that’s not the reaction I deserve because of what happened to me. I believe this is a bit of a entitlement problem. It may not be clear or black and white but it’s there. Oh! At the end of these disagreements, I always start telling myself that I’m right and don’t deserve such reactions. The blame is shifted onto the other person without a thought. I can never be wrong because I was in an accident.

The hardest thing part of all this is admitting it to others or ‘out loud’ because admitting to yourself silently doesn’t mean change will happen. You then live in a state of denial and it’s easy to pretend you don’t do it. I’m writing about it. You’re reading this. I will put my tail between my legs and work on this. I will be kinder to others. I will remember that close friends and family are doing all they can. I’m not entitled to anything because of this. Everyone has gone above and beyond for me. I need to show more appreciation overall. I am humble but I’m humble to strangers and to those that aren’t around as often. I’m not humble when it comes to family. I have to work on this a bit harder because this doesn’t just involve me anymore; it involves everyone.

Oh and you’re not entitled to special treatment either. Is your name Mother Teresa? I didn’t think so. You know who else feels entitled? President Trump. But that’s for another time…

Hope you have a fabulous Sunday!

Public Service Announcement:

Don’t you dare look at the eclipse without proper glasses! I don’t need you to ruin your eye sight! Even for a second, don’t do it!

A Bahar explanation is this: the sky goes dark. Your retinas (the black part of your eye) gets big to see in the dark (that’s why owls have big eyes) and when the sun comes out within seconds, your eyes don’t have enough time to adjust. Your eyes in the back, that do all the work, burn. That’s why when the doctor puts those drops in your eyes to take a photo. Your internal structure of your eyes are out in the open and that’s also why you’re given some type of sun protection or asked to have someone else to drive you home.

Don’t be dumb. Don’t look at the sun. Just don’t. Sunglasses won’t work either.

Today

Must see

I didn't edit this entry. Tread lightly.

I got up to see Atomic Blonde today with friends and some cousins. I loved the movie. This is a movie all girls and women should see. The main character and lead of the film is a lady. A woman! All eyes are on her. She runs the show and I was swooning!

I want to be Lorraine. I was happy that they never gave the main male character a part as big. She kicked ass. Literally, kicked many men. They didn't have her character sleep with the male character. I was hoping and wishing they wouldn't and they didn't! That made me love the movie more. I was worried that they would bring in a man 'to save the day.' Spoiler Alert: they didn't. Thank God!

I wanna be Lorraine Broughton.

There are gonna be those: oh. She's a female. She's never be able to beat up those guys. Blah, blah, blah.

I wouldn't be able to do it. I have brain damage. So yes, I would probably die. But why not? 1-it's a damn movie. Let us have this. Someone is better than a man, even if it is a movie, and men get all butt hurt and go all…this isn't real. Women can't do that. Hey. A lot of men can't do the shit on the big screen. Sit the fuck down. We're gonna play that game? For real. Men can't do any of the stuff they see. A woman in the Marines would have you eat your ass. A female blackbelt would as well. Anybody with training of any sort can do it. Just because you're a man doesn't mean you're automatically better. Being a man doesn't mean shit anymore anyway. Women can have babies without a man. Men get all butt hurt when a female doesn't need them. Almost as if they have nothing to live for other than finding a woman to plant their seed. Not the case.

Not the case at all. Women can do it alone. We can. That's the problem. Men can't do it alone. Men are the hunters, yeah? Women can do that too. Oh and they can prepare the hunted food. They can find a home. They can forage. Men know how to fight. Women can learn to fight and do it better.

People tend to put others down when they threaten their status. May it be their strength or mental status. When that happens, the person feeling threatened will start highlighting what the person can't do. That's to make themselves feel better about themselves. What I'm getting at is this is what people, now a days, do.

Men, start talking about all the things women can't do. Other women do that about their own gender. I believe that these women know they can't do it alone so they talk up the males about how they do all these things and how we can't do it without them. I don't believe it.

Those women can't do it alone. They need a man. I am brain damaged. I don't need a man. I want a man to be there for me. That's different. I need my parents. I don't need a man. No woman needs a man.

Feelings, Update

Friends and Family

To friends and family members I've lost touch with and those who have tried to reach out in the past or recently, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we lost touch/I didn't do my part in the friendship. I know, I know…life gets in the way sometimes. We grow up and do bigger, better things. Naturally, people grow apart. That's okay.

There are old friends/family that tried to reconnect with me and I didn't do much about it. I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry that you are no longer in my life. I'm sorry I didn't keep it up.

I appreciate everyone that came to the hospital or sent messages of love. My heart is so big. People from my past came out of the woodwork, individuals that I would have never expected anything from. It kills me that I don't remember everyone there or remember everything that was said or given to me.

My parents and sister have done the best they can to share what they do remember of February/March and onwards. There was a lot going on for everybody, not only for me.

I just wanted to use this post to thank everyone. Thank you driving up to Long Island from Pennsylvania and Middletown. Thank you for flying from Florida to see me. Thank you for making my family feel at ease. Thank you for the handmade gifts and gifts. Everyone knows me too well…Thank you for it all. Thank you for thinking of me even though we have nothing in common. I'm thankful for all that was done. I don't know how I could ever return the favor. Even though what you did was small in your eyes, it meant the world to me.

I have quite a few mandalas from those who got the chance to color one in for me. I have some cards. I have my Disney paraphernalia except the Belle that Stephanie gave me 😦 sorry Steph! I promise it was given a new home! ❤️

The world is small yet big. We're surrounded by all these people. There are people that think of you even if you don't think of them. People appreciate you more than you know it. Even if someone pisses you off they have a place in your life. Good or bad. Either way, appreciate them. You never know when that'll be the last time you share an interaction with that person. Unless they're a true psychopath or sociopath, everyone has some good in there somewhere.

Thank you and I love you. I, for real, do.