Today

Must see

I didn't edit this entry. Tread lightly.

I got up to see Atomic Blonde today with friends and some cousins. I loved the movie. This is a movie all girls and women should see. The main character and lead of the film is a lady. A woman! All eyes are on her. She runs the show and I was swooning!

I want to be Lorraine. I was happy that they never gave the main male character a part as big. She kicked ass. Literally, kicked many men. They didn't have her character sleep with the male character. I was hoping and wishing they wouldn't and they didn't! That made me love the movie more. I was worried that they would bring in a man 'to save the day.' Spoiler Alert: they didn't. Thank God!

I wanna be Lorraine Broughton.

There are gonna be those: oh. She's a female. She's never be able to beat up those guys. Blah, blah, blah.

I wouldn't be able to do it. I have brain damage. So yes, I would probably die. But why not? 1-it's a damn movie. Let us have this. Someone is better than a man, even if it is a movie, and men get all butt hurt and go all…this isn't real. Women can't do that. Hey. A lot of men can't do the shit on the big screen. Sit the fuck down. We're gonna play that game? For real. Men can't do any of the stuff they see. A woman in the Marines would have you eat your ass. A female blackbelt would as well. Anybody with training of any sort can do it. Just because you're a man doesn't mean you're automatically better. Being a man doesn't mean shit anymore anyway. Women can have babies without a man. Men get all butt hurt when a female doesn't need them. Almost as if they have nothing to live for other than finding a woman to plant their seed. Not the case.

Not the case at all. Women can do it alone. We can. That's the problem. Men can't do it alone. Men are the hunters, yeah? Women can do that too. Oh and they can prepare the hunted food. They can find a home. They can forage. Men know how to fight. Women can learn to fight and do it better.

People tend to put others down when they threaten their status. May it be their strength or mental status. When that happens, the person feeling threatened will start highlighting what the person can't do. That's to make themselves feel better about themselves. What I'm getting at is this is what people, now a days, do.

Men, start talking about all the things women can't do. Other women do that about their own gender. I believe that these women know they can't do it alone so they talk up the males about how they do all these things and how we can't do it without them. I don't believe it.

Those women can't do it alone. They need a man. I am brain damaged. I don't need a man. I want a man to be there for me. That's different. I need my parents. I don't need a man. No woman needs a man.

Feelings, Update

Friends and Family

To friends and family members I've lost touch with and those who have tried to reach out in the past or recently, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we lost touch/I didn't do my part in the friendship. I know, I know…life gets in the way sometimes. We grow up and do bigger, better things. Naturally, people grow apart. That's okay.

There are old friends/family that tried to reconnect with me and I didn't do much about it. I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry that you are no longer in my life. I'm sorry I didn't keep it up.

I appreciate everyone that came to the hospital or sent messages of love. My heart is so big. People from my past came out of the woodwork, individuals that I would have never expected anything from. It kills me that I don't remember everyone there or remember everything that was said or given to me.

My parents and sister have done the best they can to share what they do remember of February/March and onwards. There was a lot going on for everybody, not only for me.

I just wanted to use this post to thank everyone. Thank you driving up to Long Island from Pennsylvania and Middletown. Thank you for flying from Florida to see me. Thank you for making my family feel at ease. Thank you for the handmade gifts and gifts. Everyone knows me too well…Thank you for it all. Thank you for thinking of me even though we have nothing in common. I'm thankful for all that was done. I don't know how I could ever return the favor. Even though what you did was small in your eyes, it meant the world to me.

I have quite a few mandalas from those who got the chance to color one in for me. I have some cards. I have my Disney paraphernalia except the Belle that Stephanie gave me 😦 sorry Steph! I promise it was given a new home! ❤️

The world is small yet big. We're surrounded by all these people. There are people that think of you even if you don't think of them. People appreciate you more than you know it. Even if someone pisses you off they have a place in your life. Good or bad. Either way, appreciate them. You never know when that'll be the last time you share an interaction with that person. Unless they're a true psychopath or sociopath, everyone has some good in there somewhere.

Thank you and I love you. I, for real, do.

Today

Muse, Mosquitoes, and Friends.

Can I complain about these awful flying creatures that ruin everything? Yeah. I dislike the summer because of the heat and those pests.

I spent all day yesterday outside and I wish I hadn't. I had a sleeveless dress on with shorts under it. They got me where I was sleeveless and…on my chin. On my damn chin! Are you kidding me?! What kind of joke is that?! When I got home and I asked my dad to put anti itch cream he got mad at me that I didn't go out in long sleeves. Why didn't I take care of myself so I didn't get bit, he says.

I went out for a brief walk today after I got out of bed at 2pm. I'll leave that for another day. On my walk, my legs started to itch and burn. It felt like I got bit by a million of those devils but it's not. I think it was a reaction to the bug spray I put on my legs and arms after I noticed a mosquito bite behind my leg. That's the only thing that covered my legs up to where my shorts were. It's weird because I have that bug spray and I've used it before. This never happened! I'm definitely having a reaction to something other than the mosquitoes saliva.

I can't win. I just feel like it's never ending. One thing after another. There's always something. At least my life isn't as boring. Keeps things interesting, I suppose.

On Saturday, I went to Jones Beach to see Muse with Thirty Seconds to Mars and PVRIS. We've seen Muse many times. It's a band that I won't get bored of. I went with Jenn, Justin, and his wife, Ana.

I had a blast! I got to see Muse again and 30 seconds to Mars. You know, the band Jared Leto is the singer in? Yeah. The man does have a good voice. He's odd tho…Dunno but anyway, I had a great time, even if I don't show it much.

If you're wondering who Muse is…I'd head over to YouTube and listen to some of their songs. You probably heard some of their songs…Super Massive Blackholes or Madness. I have a favorite, Darkshines. Enough of that. I sound obsessive but I'm not even that bad lol! The other band that I've seen more than once is Brand New.

Oh! Fun fact: the only time I was face to face with their lead singer, my brain stopped functioning. I was at school. Undergrad at The University of Scranton. Brand New was the headliner of the yearly Spring Fling. Thanks to Jenn I was involved with helping out and we got to meet the band. He was talking to me more than just a 'hi.' Jesse singled me out. He didn't talk to anyone else and caught me off guard. He asked me my name. That's all I remember. I got all red in the face and my face was on fire.

People are all about meeting famous people, I wanna run away. I don't wanna meet a celebrity…in person. I can handle it in my head but that's about it.

Feelings, Funsies, Today

So…what now?

So what if I can't do the basic things that I used to do? So what if I can't do what everyone else can do without thinking about it.

Listen, I'm now an outlier. Lol makes me feel special.

I'm not an outlier in a good way because I haven't found what my super power is after the brain trauma. I really want a super power, you know, those people that can all of a sudden speak 749393 languages or can do math with like 2763848 numbers. Ya know, those kinds lol. I am an outlier in that I can't do a lot of the things you can do that don't take a second thought. All those subconscious things you do, doesn't come very easily. I wrote something about that before.

Maybe I'm not using the right word when I use outlier. I'm not sure it applies to me but it makes me feel insanely better putting myself in that category.

Today my head hurts a lot. It could be many things. My allergies (probably) and lack of water. Either way, my brain hurts today. I think it hurts trying to figure out what I want to do with my time or if friends are around. I have many friends yet I have none. It's quite a fascinating dilemma I've got going. When I stopped trying to figure it out and tried hard not to break down, my brain started to be in pain. I say 'brain' but what I mean is 'skull/head.' My brain and I are on a first name basis.

Guys. I don't like being alone like the next person. I run out of things to do and there aren't people around. It almost gets lonely. My dad hasn't been cleared to work or drive so he's been home but we've run out of things to say to one another because, well, we see each other every minute of every day.

You might say, 'I would love to be home instead of work.' WRONG. You'll lose your head if you weren't working. It's fucking boring as shit and you run out of things to do after a week. Your friends and family are also working during the week so they sure as hell don't want to do anything. And when the weekend rolls around, they're tired from working all week that the weekends are a bust too.

What I'm saying is, enjoy your job. There is nothing better than doing what you do and get paid for it. Don't act like you hate it just because everyone else hates their job. Oh! But if you do hate your job, you probably should find another one to replace it. You should want to get out of bed.

If you haven't caught on, I'm not having a great day the day when writing this. I've been trying to make it a habit to write an entry when I have a specific thought/feeling. I hope it that might be interesting to read.

Last week was a hit in that everyday a few new people are reading my post or looking at what my blog has to offer. It's a nice feeling to know people are interested in what you wrote. Some days are better than others…

I don't have much to offer you guys in my blog posts. Lol BUT I can offer my wine glasses and/or art! Maybe I'll think of something lol some kind of game? Or idk, I'll think of it even if it's a year from now lol!

Orrr maybe a box of wine glasses and a bottle of wine? Or do one of those monthly box things? Would I be able to do it? Maybe have like a set number of people that can be chosen for that month? Ahh…! This may work guys! Whatcha guys think? Seriously! Would anyone be interested in something like this??

A lot to ponder…I've got all these ideas swirling in my fucked is brain idk whilst to do. I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight because I'm excited lol

I could do a teacup with tea or coffee cups with coffee! Ok ok. I'll talk to you guys later! Hey! One last thing…please! Let me know if it's something you'd be interested in or if it's a good idea that may work!! Please let me know in the comments!!

clear the air, Feelings

I forget

I was in a car accident on February 15th, 2013. I was driving my sister and I to work. I was rear ended in traffic. As a result, my injuries involved my head. My sister suffered a concussion, as well. 

Fast forward to 2017, I am better. I am a worlds away from 2013. I can walk and talk. I can laugh and cry. I’m not at my prime. I can’t do a large chunck of things I used to do or that you can do. It’s okay, tho. I try to make it work for myself. 

I walked away with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and an effect of that is short term memory loss. I have become very sensitive about this. It gets under my skin when my memory is challenged by, especially, someone that is supposed to know me or has some knowledge of my injuries. 

I understand the whole, ‘I’m not with you that often’ ‘I have a life that doesn’t always involve you.’ Trust me, I get it. But it’s kinda basic. This is the most uncomplicated problem I have. This doesn’t require a text book or doctor to explain to you what is going on with this brain injury. 

I have moments that are like Dory from Finding Nemo. You’re gonna say ‘that’s a movie,’ well, guess what? Shit like that happens. If you forget then why the hell am I held to the same standard you’re held at to remember?

Anyway, I repeat stories. I ask the same question, all the time. I don’t know what I last did with my glasses. I have to write things down. It’s to have said written thing at hand to make sure I have it at hand. I have to repeat things to have it in long term memory. Emotions I remember. A feeling I have is familar and brings back the memory. I’ll remember situations because I had a strong emotion tied to that moment. Strong feeling like sadness or anger. 

The reason for this post to explain that I’m starting to get angry when the person in front of me is talking to me like: ‘why don’t you remember?’ And they say it in a way or rather, the way I interpret is: ‘how can you forget something that just happened?’ I don’t appreciate it. It’s like a joke. No. I don’t remember. It would be nice to say it in a less demoning way. But hey, what do I know? How can I not remember? 

I’ve been taking great offense to this lately. The more it happens the more it upsets me. I do know that no one does it on purpose and they do forget, too. I understand that immensely. When I repeat myself don’t get angry and tell me I said that already. Don’t get frustrated. Without putting me down, gently, tell me that I told you already. Be nice about it. It can’t be a Duh moment became I don’t have those. 

Funsies, Update

Happy 4th!!

Ahh! To be alive to see another 4th of July! I hope everyone had a stellar day! I spent mine in good company, at the pool, and played some Monopoly. Drove around and now, I stand with my parents waiting for the sun to set and fireworks to begin.

Here are some pictures of our firework show: 

So, it was brought to my attention that my next birthday will be my 30th. ::shudders:: I am no where close to where I thought I would be at this age. It’s fun while it lasted. I have years to catch up to everyone. Time will come. I can’t remember if I wrote about it before but we’re all headed to the same destination. I am just taking a different route to get there. There is still time for the big 3-0. I should just enjoy these days lol. 
Oh so I attempted to run at the gym last week. I did it twice. I tried running no more than a minute. I didn’t lol it was sad but I’m paying the price. My right knee is the weak one. When I walk up the stairs or do squats, my knee clicks. If I do a lot of squats my knee gets swollen and hurts a little. But running made it worse. 

I have to ice it. It burns and it feels big. But I want to tell you about what it’s like to ‘run.’ I can’t. My knees are insanely weak. After like 15 seconds, my knees buckle, I suppose. My knees turn into one another. 

I forgot to mention that I have to ice my ankles, too. They’ve been affected by the ‘run’ as well. My knees and ankles don’t know how to be knees and ankles. They are so weak. I don’t know how they carry my weight.

I want to run and get better at it because I want to be active. I want to get into running since I have to work on that anyway. I dunno if that makes sense. I just wanted to run. I want to do things that I can’t do. I hate that. But I wanted to become a runner. I still want to. When I go to see Dr. Berdia, I’m gonna ask for a referral for PT. Maybe they can teach me to run. My running dreams have been put on hold. 

I want to tell you about my Etsy shoppe. I wrote about it before. I’m asking those who read this, to check it out! I’m slow at updating and adding new listings. I’ve had the same listings for some time now…I’ve had 6 sales. If you see something you like, buy it 😁.  If you’ve got an idea, share it with us and we’ll do our best. I am slowly adding some artwork. 

Kaya Creationss is the shoppe. If buying wine glasses or Pinocchio isn’t your thing, well, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave comments on what you think we should add or subtract. What could be done better. Anything. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you guys!! 

Today, Update

In this moment

Eid Mubarak to everyone celebrating today! Bayraminiz mubarek olsun!! 😘😁Have a splendid day!  

Here we go talking about driving, feelings, and driving…again. It bothers me from time to time. I have my highs and lows regarding driving and other people. 

I miss driving. I have many moments where I wish so badly to have my car. I miss the freedom that comes with driving. I miss driving with the windows down. I miss the music blasting. I miss being alone and just driving for no reason. I miss calling Hazar and Onur to go where ever when no one else was available. I miss being the cool cousin. I miss not having to rely on others to get me places. I miss having people hang out with me because they want to; not making me feel like a burden. I miss planning things. I miss going wherever I wanted when I wanted. 

Knowing you can do whatever you want when you want it, allows you not to feel that you’ve missed something or have to do said thing. 

Everyone has choices. Everyone can do whatever they want, as well as I…but I have to wait for others. I long for the car rides I used to go on. 

It isn’t about physically going out, driving or going out to eat all the time; it’s about knowing you can, when you want. I guess you can say I miss having that option. 

Friends and family don’t understand why I jump to whatever it is they suggest without thinking twice. I look for those moments because I don’t get them often. I don’t get moments where you want to do something. 

I wish I could drive again and let me stop you. I don’t want to hear for the 737283 time that I can. That I can do whatever I put my mind to, blah, blah, blah. There is nothing more frustrating than someone telling me I can do something that I truest can’t. 

I can’t drive myself alone or with others in the car. Do you trust me to drive you around? Will you give me your car to practice in? I look like I can right? There is nothing more irritating…well, actually not being able to do it may be worse. Lol

clear the air, Today, Update

Question

I wear glasses. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t have traditional lenses. I have prisms. My eyewear is to bring the two images I see closer together. It isn’t perfect because the one image is crooked. 

My brain, for whatever reason, doesn’t merge what I see together. I have learned to ignore one image and the glasses bring what I see close enough that it’s easy to ignore. 

Not every eye doctor or eye place does prisms as Dr. Fisher does. She deals with more than just bad eye vision. When I went to my last appointment, I was told that I was near sighted but it wasn’t bad enough that I needed new lenses. 

Ok so, I have trouble reading things from a certain distance and size. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t bother trying to read, I ask. When I went to the appointment, I told her about this. She told me that I don’t have to have my lenses changed but if I wanted it; it’ll get done. 

I had them changed and now it’s taking some getting used to. I feel nauseous at times. It’s weird. 

Now, my question or rather questions for those that wear glasses, are: 

  1. Is it normal to feel nauseous?
  2. If so, does it go away? 
  3. There are times that I have to refocus my eyes when looking at something close (that sometimes doesn’t go away even after I do that) Is that normal? 
  4. How do I know if it helps or doesn’t help?

I feel that these might have basic and obvious answers but I naturally doubt myself. Feel free to let me know if what I’m experiencing normal. lol I’d appreciate it. 

Update

Been busy

I’ve been slowly getting busier with my stuff. It feels good. 

Dad’s been home since his accident. So, he’s home keeping himself busy with cooking and cleaning as much as he can. He’s also fasting during Ramadan so keeping busy passes time quicker than usual. While he’s been doing his own thing I’ve been doing my own…slowly. I like it. 

I’m working my way thru it all. Adding something new to do. I don’t want to freak myself out. I’ve been working on some art throughout the week. So far only one piece has been on the table. I’m being a perfectionist. It’s taking me forever to do one Mickey Mouse. 

It’s a Mickey Mouse picture that I had drawn in middle school. It was an Andy Warhol themed project. I did this in 7th grade (My Mickey Mouse obsession goes back to my toddler years). Every Mickey was a different color with different art material used. Right now I’m doing an acrillic one in his traditional color scheme, red, black and white. It’s not bad. When I’m done with them I’ll be putting them up for sale on Etsy. 

I’m debating whether or not I should frame them or not. I probably will. I have to commit. One commitment at a time. Can’t overwhelm myself. 

Jenn also suggested that I make wedding themed wine glasses. Which doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I have wine glasses that I haven’t done anything with yet. This week is Mickey, wedding themed glasses, and getting my glasses. 

I have yet to pick up my glasses from the eye doctor. It’s been like a month. It doesn’t help that it’s like 45 mins to an hour away. We get lazy. I get lazy and I have to ask someone to take me because dad can’t drive and mom is at work during the day. I got my eyes checked up on about a month ago. My eyes haven’t changed too much enough for me to notice. This pair of glasses will have regular lenses like others have and my prisms. It turns out that I’m near sighted. As I get older, things are changing. My mom and sister are. My father is a combination, I believe. Either way, I’ve caught up to the rest of the family. I’m no longer left out completely from the world and can relate to others 🙂

Here is the latest version of Mickey: 

👍🏻

Today

Dogs…cats…fish…

I’ve always wanted a pet. When I was little, my mom and dad said I can have fish. I remember crying a whole day because my mother told me I couldn’t bring the class pet hamster home for a weekend. I remember her saying ‘what if it gets lost in the house?’ I wasn’t happy and we came to a truce when they said I can have pet fish. 

I’ve had fish up until the last of them died after my accident. I had a Ciclic of some sort. Idr what kind specifically it was but we had gotten him because in a tank full of colorful fish he was the only black one. He was so cute. We got him when we still had a 10 gallon tank but as time went by he got bigger. We eventually had my aunt give us their 50? Gallon tank. It was big and suited him well. We couldn’t go too crazy with fish bc he was big. So we gotten a few here and there for the tank but they wouldn’t last long. We got another one of his kind but a yellow one. When grad school started I kind of wasn’t doing well with taking care of him. At that point my dad said he wasn’t going to take care of the tank anymore because I was home from college. Fair enough. My fish died soon after I came home from the hospital. After that I said I couldn’t take care of them anymore, so that was the end of the pet fish. Writing about it tho makes me wanna start again…

Anyways, I have been thinking about a pet a lot lately. I want everything. I want a pet dog. I want a pet cat. Today, I want a bird and tomorrow, I’ll want my fish back. I love animals. I want them all. I want a goat. I want two goats so they have each other as a friend. I want an animal but I don’t want their fur everywhere. I probably should do fish again. Idk. Lemme sit on that for a little. 

Going back to a dog. Today, I saw a number of service dogs. Got me thinking, why can’t I get one? For doing things on my own. To calm me down when I’m over whelmed in crowded places or traveling alone. When I don’t have someone with me at all times, why can’t I have a dog with me? I don’t have to train said dog. It’ll be trained already. I wanna cry thinking about having one lol. I’m ridiculous, I know. I’d always have a travel buddy. I have a buddy there with me when I can’t handle everyone or everything. Then I start to question: do I really need one or do I just want a service dog because I want a dog? I don’t know. I’ll have to sit on this for a bit as well…maybe I’ll just have my fish in the mean time. 

Now, I have to convince everyone in the household.