TBI beginnings

The in-between…

So, I have a lot wrong with me thanks to this pleasant accident.

My prayers came true! (o_O)

I’ll warn you now that I will be sarcastic. I am not sure that my posts will be understood in that way or if it will be understood like “this girl is an ass.” Regardless, I told you, so :p

Man, I had spent two months in the hospital already and I had no idea. I could tell you all about where I thought I was. 😀 My family and anyone close to me know very well what I am getting at but most don’t know that it was where I saw myself. You know that dream that you have that was so real that you almost thought it was real life? Yeah, well it was constant. You hear those stories about how people see the “light,” well, I did not. My light was Disney World with my good friend Joey, his brother, and my sister. I thought everything was alright. I could function and do everything. All was peachy. I do remember having a choice between the real world and Disney. I chose Disney World because it was easier than what I was seeing of my real life. I remember talking to my parents on the phone to tell them we’re okay and having a good time. My sister wasn’t living with my parents and I, in that life. Joey and his brother were with me, so there were plenty of moments when I would get confused by what my mom would say, like that Joey was at the hospital to visit. It is so weird to experience that. What you thought was happening, wasn’t at all. Not even close. I don’t know how to explain this to everyone properly… Then again, no ones gonna understand it unless they’ve experienced it. :/

My mom and sister will tell you that when I was out of the coma, I would get upset when my sister would leave the room or I would kick her out because I already have lived in a world where she didn’t live with me. I would confuse my worlds. I chose the other world I was seeing as opposed to what was actually happening. Was it a choice or was it an effect of being put in a coma? Oh! I seemed to forget to mention that I thought I was at Disney during the time I was in the coma.

I think religious people who were in a coma or close to death talk about “seeing the light.” Religion is a big part of their life already. I believe that a religious person in a coma will see what makes them happy and “see the light.” I am not that into religion but I do have faith and I am extremely into Disney. This goes back to my childhood. I do, hold a special place in my heart for all things Disney, hence why I believed I was there. There is only one explanation for this, for me at least. Unless you are close to me, you will not know that about me. Mickey Mouse was my favorite along with Bugs Bunny. Weird I know-welcome to my world.

In the middle of that memory there were memories or passing images, of being in the hospital. That was me in and out of the coma but it’s weird. Weird is the ONLY word to describe this. I would see people in the room, how it would be dark in the room, see people in and out, whispers, and out of all of that, all I remember thinking is how I didn’t want to be there. It felt awful. The hospital was not where I wanted to be but, unfortunately, for me where I was wasn’t real and real life sucked ass. It was not a pleasant transition. >:I

I guess that is what I was seeing when everyone was seeing me in a hospital. I was having fun bitches! 😀 I thought I was at Disney after the accident. I’ll take that any day of the week, bro. Hospitals suck. (-_-)

Good day to you, Sir.

TBI beginnings

A fresh start.

Where do I start? I guess the best place is a exactly a year ago, the day my life changed. So, I’ll start with the accident. A year ago from today, on my birthday, I got up, got  ready for work with my sister,  and I was ready for the rest of my night in the city to see Phantom of the Opera for the third time with my boyfriend, Matt. I would be the one to drive my sister and I to work in my Chevy Cruze LTZ. This day was different from every other day- we never made it to work.

I don’t remember February of 2013 and the memories I do have of January, I get them confused. Ultimately, I do not remember the day of the accident or even that month. We got hit from the back and the front of the car was untouched. I believe we had to be cut out of the car. There was a lot of traffic that morning. On top of that, we caused even more traffic. If you would like to read about our accident you can click here. Or you can google Bahar Kaya. I was airlifted to Stony Brook Hospital. My sister did not have to be. The helicopter, from what I’ve been told, was there to take my sister to the hospital. The EMT wasn’t able to get my pulse and must have thought I was dead, I’m assuming. I had to have opened my eyes or something because the EMT ended up using the helicopter for me.

I suffered a bunch of things I still don’t understand but what I do know is, I had to undergo surgery to repair discs C6 and C7 in my neck, a titanium plate was inserted in there.


I was in a coma for a few weeks, I do not remember anything from being in the hospital, except the last leg of my stay at St. Charles, and I have acquired a traumatic brain injury. OH! I also have DAF, which is called a Diffuse Axonal Injury. Cool man. You can do what I did and read about it on Wikipedia. If you ask me, it is pretty awesome and now, when I meet new people, I have something interesting to tell them about myself… Like I had nothing else.

( -_- ) I had sheering in my brain which causes a host of stuff, like you wouldn’t have guessed. My corpus callosum, which is the part of the brain that connects the left and right hemispheres of your brain together, has taken a beating as did the rest of it.  My short term memory is shot. I do not remember much at all but I do remember my past. Nothing affected what I have already created, only the new memories had a problem.

I was moved to St. Charles Hospital in March sometime. I do remember being moved that day. I remember being taken downstairs of Stony Brook, the elevators, being put into the ambulance, I remember that. I do not remember arriving at St. Charles. By the time I did remember the new hospital, a few weeks have gone by. It is hard to explain this to someone because in reality they cannot put themselves in your place… at all. I remembered leaving Stony Brook and because of that I automatically believed that I had just gotten to St. Charles but in reality I had been there a few weeks already. I had no time concept, like I had any before, and I had holes in my memory. Oh yeah! I will be getting a pair of glasses by the end of this month for my double vision. I will be given prisms. This girl, who had perfect vision, now has to use glasses. Thank you girl who hit my vehicle.

I had plans man. I had plans, even if I didn’t talk about it much with everyone. I still had them and they have been put on hold, indefinitely. The doctors, from what I have gathered, do not know how long recovery is going to be. I started my new TBI life in Stony Brook. I have been trying to keep, what is left, balanced with my new self. I am still trying to get a hang of this new person and understand her. I know it’ll take time but in the mean time it is so friggen difficult beyond belief. It’ll get there, one day. I have to have patience. It is as simple as that.

My friends and family have been amazing and I thank every single one of them with all of my heart. If they weren’t around this would be even more difficult. I will use this as a way to update the world of the past and present. I gotta start somewhere. The goal is to write something here every week. I will have to check my medical records to see if there was something important to write about.

Happy Birthday to myself.

(Ugh, I feel like I am just turning 25 but in reality it’s 26… Bummer.)

(-_- )