The new me

Feelings and stuff

I have always been an emotional person. I ran high on them emotions whether it was good or bad. It was always to the extreme and I have always functioned with them. Now, the emotional part of me has gotten worse. My emotions have become 10 fold. I was able to control them much better than I can now. If I am sad now, I am fucking sad. If I’m angry, I am fucking angry. You get the idea. It is really hard to control those emotions and keep them at bay. I don’t know how to curb my emotions anymore. They consume me. I have gotten better at this, but it is still harder to get control of my emotions.

Who knew emotions can rock your world more so than they already did? Well they do. It consumes me in every way. Sometimes excitement (too much of a good thing) makes me cry. Being overwhelmed with an emotion often feels like I can’t breathe- that is how much it consumes me. Reading this makes me realize that I mayyyy need to tell my neurologist…but anyways, I end up crying when that happens because I simply don’t know what to do. Once the crying starts, much like before, I cannot stop but when I am angry too the same thing happens- I cannot stop. The anger is just too much that I feel like I will explode like a bomb, no exaggeration.

This whole thing with my feelings, I don’t feel a little bit of anything, I feel like the extreme and when that happens I can’t control it… At all. I feel better when I yell it out or cry it out. I don’t know how else to feel better about whatever situation. You may not have said something that would anger or upset another person but with me, now, I just may get angry or cry. It is VERY hard to control these things more than you may believe. Just telling me, “don’t let it bother you” doesn’t help. I can’t just let it bother me and half the time I have no idea why it is bothering me. Another thing I can’t put into words but this emotions shit is the hardest thing about recovery. Not walking right or being balanced is not the hard part. That is easy– its the emotional, talking, thinking stuff that is ridiculously hard. I’ll take the physical any day but this? I can do without, thank you.

The new me

Not so easy anymore

Every Monday, my mom, Nese and I try to catch Dancing with the Stars.  If we can’t catch it on Monday, we’ll have it ready for Tuesday on the DVR. Either way we watch it. I enjoy it immensely. This week was Disney week (mah fave!). This series has been going on for some time now and not once did I get emotional watching it, from what I can remember. Most also know that I have always been an emotional person…(-_-). Anyways, this episode hit home for me because I got it. I understood her feelings about the dance she was learning. The star dancing is Amy Purdy. She is a double amputee snowboarder. Pretty sweet, if I don’t say so myself. I had both legs and it took me about 2 hours to get down the mountain. I was getting lapped by my friends. Here is her website, if you’re interested.

It’s pretty amazing that she is attempting to dance and she is paired with one of the best dancers on the show, Derek Hough. The reason this week stood out to me was because she was having trouble with the waltz. The waltz is a slow dance and easy for most… Or at least it seems easy for anyone watching it being done, compared to the other dances. It’s slower than the other styles of dance. Amy makes a comment about how an easy move is no longer easy for her and how frustrating it is. I wanted to go thru the TV to give her a big hug and cry with her.

This is the video of their dance. I want you to watch the beginning of the video before their dance begins.

I have both my legs but she makes a statement that hits home with me too. She explains it better than I can even try. Like Amy said about herself that applies to my life, now. I have done 289739872409 things for 24 years that took no effort to do but now it takes everything out of me and it is so hard. So hard.

Couple of weeks ago my mom, Nese, and I went to a Turkish wedding. If there is one thing I enjoyed doing at functions is dancing especially at a Turkish wedding. Before the accident I wouldn’t think twice about dancing but nothing was more upsetting than not being able to get up and dance. I cannot do even a simple step without worrying about falling. A lot of it is I am self conscious of it but regardless I can’t do what used to be so easy for me. What was even harder was having everyone around me encouraging me to dance. There was nothing more frustrating than not being able to do something that used to me so simple. That used to be easy but now it’s even hard for me to side step to someone clapping.

I know how easy things were and what it took out of me. Having easy things, like walking or brushing my teeth, take everything out of me is the hardest thing to move past.  There is nothing more upsetting than knowing something is easy and shouldn’t take effort to be the hardest thing to do. In that moment, I knew exactly what she was talking about.

Me dancing is not even close to Amy dancing but right now she is the only one who would sorta understand me when I talk about how things are now. There is nothing worse than seeing yourself doing something that you cannot do anymore.

Just try to imagine it… make my day.  Let me know how you feel with only the thought of it.

The new me

Comeback (Clarinet) Kid.

I don’t wanna bore everyone with things that are wrong with me. It’ll eventually end but why not be positive sometimes? I’ll write about things that I have been trying to get back into. Like this: playing my clarinet.

I don’t do much (during the week at least), so, I try to do stuff that will help in my recovery, like my exercises. It passes time and it’s better than sitting at home doing nothing while everyone is at work. I miss working so much it isn’t even funny. It is SO much better than sitting at home. Trust me.

I was been thinking about things that I could do to keep myself busy at home, instead of watching TV all day. The idea I got was picking back up my clarinet. I played this thing since 4th grade (-_-). I played it throughout elementary school, middle school, and high school. I sorta kept up with it in college. Sorta. Anyways, I lost touch with it.

Side note: Many people will disagree with me and I HATE TALKING about this but I have to say it as this is the real reason I wanted to pick the clarinet back up. I played it since elementary school and since this accident I have gained weight. I am human, it happens, and telling me I’m not isn’t helping. So, don’t bother. Anyways, one thing I’ve noticed about myself is that the muscle in my abdomen, for lack of a better word, looser than it used to be. I did have muscle in my abdomen because of playing the clarinet. I haven’t been playing it for some time now and this is one of the reasons, I think, I lost muscle there. Someone that has played it, will know how much of the playing comes from the abdomen/stomach. This is one of the things I was taught in elementary school by my band teacher. He told us that our stomach had to be flat when playing. All of those elements, I believe, made a difference in the way I held my body. Since I stopped playing, I lost that. That is the MAIN reason I wanted to play it again.

I also don’t want to get old and wish I kept doing things that I enjoyed. I don’t want to become 65 years old and wish I still played the damn thing. I already regret it and now I get the chance to rekindle the relationship I had with it. By no means was I a superb clarinet player. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, I was 3rd clarinet in band at school. I was 1st clarinet ins 4th grade. I dropped down to 3rd because I wouldn’t practice at home to get any better,  (-_-)

Wanting my belly to look the way it used to and also not wanting to be bored at home I decided I’ll pick up the thing again. I don’t wanna to go pro any time soon but I wanted to get back into it. What better time than now? With the help from the Stony brook University’s Turkish Club and birthday money I was able to purchase a clarinet. I got a used Yamaha clarinet for 700 bucks. Woof (-__-) Imagine if I got a new one? Forget it. I would post a picture of the one I got but I don’t know where my camera is so this will do:

(thank goodness for dem internetz)

I have it. Now what?

I remember how to play it: what I have to do with my fingers, how to hold the instrument,  and how to read the music. It is harder than learning it the first time. I have to relearn everything: how to breathe playing the notes and how move my fingers the right way. My left arm is the weakest link at the moment and I cannot play the notes or move my fingers fast the way I should. It is annoying to say the least. I don’t know to breathe playing the damn thing. I lose my breathe really fast and I have no control over my spit. lol It is the little things that I don’t have control over anymore and need to get back.

It’s the little things that are the problem in everything I do. The moments that used no effort before to complete are now my downfalls. That’s what makes recovery hard at times, the easy stuff. I never had to think about them before like I do now when I try to complete an action.

I play my clarinet whenever I remember. I can’t hide the clarinet, otherwise, I forget it even exists. I have to have the case in sight to remember to its there.

The new me

I’ll get it right. Eventually.

My friend Louis asked me some questions that he had after reading my last post. I enjoyed answering his questions. We’re human, we all have curiosities/questions, and I am happy to answer them. I don’t mind at all. So bring them on Louis… and World. I’m ready.

The conversation I had with Louis via Facebook was helpful in that it helps me to see what others are understanding or not understanding. I want to attempt to give others some idea of what is going on with me. I am not 100% certain, the doctors aren’t, and I don’t expect others to be after reading this blog but its worth a try. Anyways, talking to Louis gave me a glimpse of what I may or may not be explaining clearly.

I seem to remember events/moments specifically when I have a strong emotion attached to that event. Not to say I won’t remember anything… I surprise myself sometimes with the things I remember. When it’s a positive emotion or negative emotion though, I am more likely to retain the moment. I think that happens because I keep replaying that specific moment over and over again in my head. It’s like having a phone number constantly repeated back to you and you have the numbers or at least some of them, stored in your memory. I am functioning like a normal human, in the end, but I do have some odd things occurring that are not quite normal… whether I like it or not.

Like I told Louis that day (oh the I remember the conversation because I saved it so I refer back to it) I don’t mind the questions. I don’t. I don’t have many exciting things going on so I welcome the questions with open arms. I enjoy it.

I have the memories stored somewhere but I just don’t have it at my disposal. The way I like to explain it is like this: Before the accident my memories or files were organized. All my memories/files were stored neatly in the cabinets. Now, the memories/files have to be reorganized. Everything is are all over the floor. The memories are there but it takes a while to find the paperwork because its all over. It is going to take some time to get everything functioning normally again. New memories are harder to find out. It takes a while to sort through everything. Old stuff is easy to handle.

Before, everything was easy to find but now I need cues to help me guide me thru the files. Once I got the cue, I can bring in the rest with ease. Louis asked if I get confused by the tone of the conversation or frequency. I do get confused with frequency and tone but that has nothing to do with remembering stuff. That has to do with misunderstanding people and how I am not processing information the right way.

I misunderstand A LOT but that has nothing to do with what I remember… at least I think. Remembering moments without help, takes a lot out of me. I write in a journal. I have been keeping it since I got out of the hospital. Mostly for the memory part. If I miss a day it isn’t a big deal but two or three days – I need to ask mom or my sister. Again, they tell me one word about the day and I can bring up the rest on my own. I will eventually remember on my own… but like a week later. I’ll be doing something else and I’ll randomly remember what I did last Wednesday. (-_-) By then, a week is too late.

We shall see if I am able to remember what Pluviophile means.

In reality, most people don’t remember things like that with ease, that I know, but it is not about a word or definition in specific. Everyone forgets small stuff that they did or said that day and I shouldn’t expect a lot of myself. But the reason why you’re forgetting is different than mine. You forget things not because your brain isn’t working properly it’s because you have other things to worry about. If you didn’t have other things to occupy your brain with… you’d remember. I, however, do nothing but sit on the couch and forget things… just because.

I hope I’m not confusing you more, Louis. I am not completely helpless- I know this despite what some people might think- I am talking to you cousin- but I or anyone else cannot forget that some things are happening and I am trying to work them into my life now. That is what is occupying my life at the moment and it is not easy. Things you, the reader, don’t think about because it’s second nature, well, I have to. I remember how things were for me once upon a time and the things I never thought about, like walking down the stairs or drinking water while listening to music, I have to think about now, (otherwise down the stairs I go or choke on the water). Don’t get me wrong, everyday is easier than the day before but I’ll get into that next time about how I can’t do two things at once.

Feel free to share your questions with me. I will try my bestest to answer them without confusing you more… that’s to you LuLu.