I have always been an emotional person. I ran high on them emotions whether it was good or bad. It was always to the extreme and I have always functioned with them. Now, the emotional part of me has gotten worse. My emotions have become 10 fold. I was able to control them much better than I can now. If I am sad now, I am fucking sad. If I’m angry, I am fucking angry. You get the idea. It is really hard to control those emotions and keep them at bay. I don’t know how to curb my emotions anymore. They consume me. I have gotten better at this, but it is still harder to get control of my emotions.
Who knew emotions can rock your world more so than they already did? Well they do. It consumes me in every way. Sometimes excitement (too much of a good thing) makes me cry. Being overwhelmed with an emotion often feels like I can’t breathe- that is how much it consumes me. Reading this makes me realize that I mayyyy need to tell my neurologist…but anyways, I end up crying when that happens because I simply don’t know what to do. Once the crying starts, much like before, I cannot stop but when I am angry too the same thing happens- I cannot stop. The anger is just too much that I feel like I will explode like a bomb, no exaggeration.
This whole thing with my feelings, I don’t feel a little bit of anything, I feel like the extreme and when that happens I can’t control it… At all. I feel better when I yell it out or cry it out. I don’t know how else to feel better about whatever situation. You may not have said something that would anger or upset another person but with me, now, I just may get angry or cry. It is VERY hard to control these things more than you may believe. Just telling me, “don’t let it bother you” doesn’t help. I can’t just let it bother me and half the time I have no idea why it is bothering me. Another thing I can’t put into words but this emotions shit is the hardest thing about recovery. Not walking right or being balanced is not the hard part. That is easy– its the emotional, talking, thinking stuff that is ridiculously hard. I’ll take the physical any day but this? I can do without, thank you.