Update

UPDATE: Mood Stabilizers

So, I feel that I should update everyone on how the mood stabilizers are going for me. Those pills are doing me so well. I do have my moments like I had before but it’s less frequent and less emotional- angry or sad.

My doctor had said that taking the mood stabilizers would give me “a few seconds” to think about what I wanted to say  and whether it was a good idea. That sounds like it isn’t enough time (it did to me) but that’s all it takes- a few seconds to make that decision. The medication has been doing me well. I am able to let things go when I wasn’t able to let go of before (that is why I had my outbursts). I can let go of emotions and thoughts better, so, I am very happy about that.

Lessening of the outbursts means I am getting better (at least I hope) with my emotions (I am afraid that the medication is giving me a false sense of control) and the family has to hear less of me bitching/yelling/crying/insulting them. All of the above. Everyone benefits when I have my emotions under control.

One day, I’ll have my emotions in control more naturally but for now, I need the help. So be it. There is nothing wrong with needing help.

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The new me

Better Late than Never…

I forgot to write a post for yesterday so here I am now. This brain injury girl was busy… hmm… Yesterday, I was busy with Colton’s mustache bash party. It isn’t easy turning one?! It was cute. Mommy and Daddy planned a fantastic little party for their little man. I wish I took them photographs but I… don’t even have an excuse. After that, we attended a wedding. I was tired by 8pm. I was beat.

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A lot of people+ noise+ being in a new environment= a very tired Bahar.

When I am in a crowded room/event/bar, I get tired in warp speed. A couple of hours feels like 6 hours for me. If I was at home or someone’s house and with people that I am familiar with with, I can make my night longer or I can last longer. The new place means, with my double vision, I have to get used to everything… quick, especially if I want to move around. An abundance of people means new faces that wants to, potentially, talk to you. Even if it is to say, “Hi.” There is too much to pay attention to already. Too much noise, well, that just means I have to work harder to cancel that out the background noise to listen to the conversations around me. This is all a bunch of things that no body thinks about or pays attention to because your brain is used to it. Everyone knows what to expect. I am very much like a child in that regard. Yesterday, Colton took a nap in the middle of his birthday gathering. Well, it is safe to say, I needed one too. I can’t handle everything much like a child. It is not only the moving around that gets a child tired so quickly, it’s everything. Moving, the noise, the new faces, everything is a factor. I just have the words to express myself when a child doesn’t. It takes a child, what, 4-5 years to not need naps as often? That is what I need to get back to, somewhat, normalcy.

So, there was a lot going on yesterday, which is great, it’s better than sitting at home. I enjoy my weekends because I don’t have to sit at home. I was tired, super easy, but I made it and today is another day.

Sorry I made you wait Louis. lol

The new me

Warm weather…

Where are you warmer weather?

I miss you and I want to wear my new bathing suit for you.

I feel that this accident has given me the chance to make changes in my life that I didn’t before. In other words, this is the perfect opportunity to work on myself in areas I only thought about.

Like drinking more water. I have been doing that for the past 3 weeks now. I have been drinking 2 liters of water (or trying to) a day. So far, I have been doing really well. 😀

I haven’t let myself get “thirsty.” I am proud of myself that I have been doing this…successfully. I have also been wanting to get back into playing my clarinet but it’s proving to be hard. Drinking water is easier to turn it into a habit…by far.

I want to also exercise more and make that into a habit too. I need it. Just walking would be enough for me at this point.

I would like to make these a habit at some point:

  • Making Art (I have been doing this a lot-but not enough)
  • Playing clarinet (I need to do this more than I have been)
  • Exercise/Walk (Dunno how to make this work)
  • Drink Water (It’s going well so far)

Despite everyone telling me I am the same person, I am different. It’s the little things that are different, nothing outright obvious. With that, since I have had all these changes forced upon me, I want to make the changes with myself that I have wanted to before. I am treating myself as this different person so why not? This is the change I have control over so why not make it happen when everything changed anyways? I will try- I have nothing to lose. 🙂

The new me

What’s happening now…

I am getting better. On Thursday, I had a general doctor’s appointment. I find it weird that I can’t simply say, “doctor.” I have to be specific about what doctor I went to see. I’ll back track just a little bit.

I saw my neurologist on Monday. I like him, Dr. Berdia. He is nice and very helpful. I like that he is helpful. His suggestions aren’t far-fetched. I saw him and didn’t get my results of the neuropsychology test yet. He will let me know as soon as he gets the results. I will, hopefully, see a psychologist. I cannot wait for that because I need a therapist more than ever.

My mom and I told the neurologist, on more than one appointment, that I am too emotional. I mean, I’ve always been that emotional person but I’m an “all over the place with my emotions” kind of person right now.

One minute I am happy and within, literally, seconds I am furious. I have no reasoning for it and no one understands it when it happens to explain it to me. I also have this, “I need to say it” thing going on. If I think it I don’t know how to hold in my thoughts and reactions. Most of the time I shouldn’t have a need to say out loud  most things. Sometimes, half way of saying most things, I realize I shouldn’t be saying this AT ALL but at that point I can’t stop.

So, out of all of this the Neurologist prescribed mood stabilizers- you know the ones that someone with bipolar takes… or schizophrenia… sometimes its taken for seizures… I do not have seizures… LOL. The doctor confirmed that I won’t be completely reliant on them and it’s only there for me until I figure this shit out (he didn’t quite say that. I made some modifications 😀 ).  Tonight will be the third time I take it. It hasn’t been long enough to notice differences but I hope it helps. Also, the doctor said this will give me the few milliseconds I need to make the decision of whether its worth saying something or not.

This TBI shit is so fucking hard. Anyone that says other wise, either didn’t experience it to my extreme, or HAS NO IDEA of what this entails. My guideline is this: If my doctors cannot give me answers of what I should be experiencing, what I should feel, or what I should do in such and such scenarios… Everyone else can get out of my face and stop talking.  You have no idea either. (-_-) I have no control, well, the same control that everyone else normally has. I’m not filtered. Nese, stops me a lot. My mom does too. I seem normal when people see me, doing normal things. I have do everything you do, mostly, the same way but it is the little things that you aren’t around for that is drastically different. I do have many childlike moments. So many…

Well, Thursday, I saw my general doctor to get a referral to get my sinuses checked out since the allergist told me I had no allergies. The allergist said that if I get symptoms of allergies but don’t have actual allergies, that I may have something wrong with my sinuses. Yeah, I have a referral to see an ENT (ear, nose, and throat doctor). I haven’t seen one since I lived in PA and I was in elementary school for my ears. I CANNOT WAIT!! (insert sarcasm here)

I’ll keep you guys updated on how the mood stabilizers are going. 😀

The new me

Change

I’ve heard of people having brain damage but what no one thinks about is what that person has to do to recover or what they have to recover from. I have heard of people experiencing this but never did I sit down and think about what it meant. I just assumed that they eventually recovered and things were normal. It wasn’t anything I thought twice about. I never gave it much thought. This shit is fucking hard.

Your whole world is changed drastically without your clearance. There is nothing more than that. There are, of course, those that do experience brain damage on a smaller scale and doesn’t change much of their lives but we forget about the people who’s lives were drastically changed. I was thinking about this recently and may overall be the same person but things have changed. All my goals, all of my plans that I had for myself are done… for now. I have to alter everything about my life. It is not easy. Nobody asked me if I wanted to change- I was forced into it. I have to continue forward and make alterations in my life to make something of myself. People have a choice is everything they do or don’t do. I do not. I have to make these changes because nothing is the same.change-simon-wordle-24

Nobody likes change. People don’t react well to change. I am forced to change, whether I like it or want it. I am the same person but there are many differences. The way I think now and the things I feel now are so not even close to what it used to be. I guess it’s something that will naturally happen… My brain is not functioning the same way it used to and I see things a bit differently than before. People do or don’t mean the same as they did before. It’s interesting to me how I have become a genuine cold hard bitch with a lot of things that I thought I was before but I wasn’t even close. My feelings for a lot has become more drastic. I either feel with everything (more than I did before) or I don’t care at all for things I did before. It is weird.

I dunno how much sense that makes but please, keep in mind when reading my blog that I do not have the access to the vocabulary to explain myself well. So bare with me. 🙂 If I do not make sense to you, feel free to ask away- Here’s looking to you Louis.