What does a title have to be?… Got it… FAB!

I have been feeling like, in terms of recovery, I’m at a standstill… BUT I know this isn’t true. Everyone would beg to differ, especially my mother and sister. I dunno, maybe I feel this way because things aren’t progressing the way I would like. My standards for myself are higher. Why do I do that? I have no friggin clue…If you have an idea about it, let me know.

My sister, mother, and I are making our way to PA for a birthday party. It should be a good time. We haven’t gone to Maryann’s house since March. I think it was March… Her great grandson is turning one and his mom is throwing a red, white, and blue themed party. Nese and I made party favors for the party. I cannot wait for feedback on those. They are mason jar cups. They turned out pretty cute and I cannot wait for everyone’s reactions to them.

We, also, plan on seeing friends when we get there that we haven’t seen in a very long time.

I went to an ENT this week- It’s an ear, nose, and throat doctor that I saw. Back in May or whatever, I had gone to get an allergy test done. The doctor said that I did not have any allergies. That’s good news but it doesn’t explain why I feel awful when I’m not taking allergy medication. I get the symptoms that an allergy sufferer gets, so, to the ENT I go, to get my sinuses checked out. I had to get a CAT scan of my sinuses.

Hopefully, the doctors will be able to tell me what the hell is going on with my face 😀

Getting a CAT scan is easier than a MRI. It took barely 5 minutes. No music involved and you didn’t feel like you were being put into a coffin (-_-)

…I don’t like having anymore MRI’s or CAT scans though. I have had my share of scans. It’s making me uneasy having to go get one but there is no other way to get help and I have to go through with it. I’m gonna be radioactive soon. (thank you, Imagine Dragons)

Well, I hope you all have a good decent rest of the weekend! Be good, guys. have a nice day




On my own…

Slowly, mom is coming around. She is. Little by little, letting me do more on my own. Nese comforts her when I can’t and lets mom know that I’ll be okay. Granted, there is someone around that she trusts but one step at a time.

Last weekend, I went to the bar with some friends. Nese wasn’t around nor was mom but my cousin, Seda, was. That was comforting for mom, knowing that Seda was there, but still. As long as I feel independent, right?

I have been going to the gym, at the apartments we live in, on my own for the past couple of weeks. I have been also going to the pool on my own. I have been going to the pool with my neighbor, Brittany, which is a huge step. I have been hanging out with Brittany and going places with her, as well. I can’t overwhelm her- I don’t want to shock the system and have everything go back to square one…

My mother being okay with this, partly, is because she has been working on it with herself. My family has things that they have to work on with themselves. This accident didn’t just force change on me but it’s forcing them to make changes with themselves. As long as I remind myself that this shit is hard on them too and I give her the confidence that I’ll be fine without her, everyone is happy. I get to get out of the apartment. Overall, everyone is happy and worry free.

I am happy that I can give her the confidence to trust me but it also helps me gain the confidence I need to see that I can be fine without them. I can do this…

“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”

I feel like this could apply for this post. Either way, I wanted to use this quote. lol So, I am. You’re welcome 😀

moon guy

Feelings, The new me

Can’t wait…

I just want things to go back to normal… or close to normal. My life has changed without question. Many of those changes I have mentioned before but one of the things I miss is having to rely only on my self.

Appreciate the independence you’ve got and only having to rely on yourself. Seriously. I want this to come back ASAP. I cannot wait for the day to come, where I have myself back, the confident self.

I don’t have the independence or the confidence to do things on my own. I’m unsure of a lot- what I can and can’t do. It is so weird. I look at my mother and sister for confirmation a lot of times because I simply don’t know anymore what I can and can’t handle. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes, I’m the one telling my family I can handle whatever it is I wanna do.

It is an interesting place to be. I need to rebuild a lot of things I used to have. I have to find my independence and confidence. I don’t know where they are but it’s lost…temporarily.

I picture my brain to look like scrambled eggs.

I don’t know how I’m gonna relearn all that I’ve lost in the accident in just a few years. These are the stuff (confidence, independence, and self esteem) that took me 24 years to get it right… Semi-right (-_-)

I have a long way to go but the foundation is there… I got that working for me.

OH! I cannot wait to gain my confidence to drive again.

clear the air, The new me, Update

Little things …

My walk has been improving… it’s the little things. I can walk longer, stand up longer, and be balanced-doing all of this. Well, I can do those things for longer periods of time but it works because I am balanced better.  So, I guess, I should just say, I’m balanced better when I walk than I was last month.

It is a gradual thing. It is a very tiny bit everyday. Other people won’t notice it like the people I live with. People simply don’t notice the little things that have changed. Actually, my mother and sister notice changes before I do sometimes. That is how small the changes are. Again, improvements are happening, just not as fast and big you would expect.

I am able to swing my arms when I walk, which changes everything. I still have to hold on to someone when I am getting tired. I am able to walk and engage in the conversation that is occurring but only for a little bit.

I am happy I can do this… even if I can do it for a short bursts of time. It’s something to be proud of.

This is also why I get annoyed when people give me advice on how to function and push myself to do more. As if the little changes don’t matter. These little changes that you aren’t noticing took everything out of me to make it happen. Give me my credit, when it’s due.

I guess the point of this post was to let everyone know that things are changing for the better, even if they are little. It matters to me even if someone else doesn’t notice. It’s a slow process but it’s happening.

Oh! and I push myself to get better- more than you think. My mother and sister are, usually, the ones reeling me back in. So, I would appreciate everyone to stop telling me what to do, as if they have been in my situation before, and instead, start giving me suggestions. If doctors cannot give me a straight answer on how to do things, well, who are you?

I keep coming back to this in my entries: I am not pessimistic about all of this. This is how things are and there is no need to lie to myself about what really is going on.