Feelings

Rant time…

I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t say things have gotten better. They have. Things are so much better compared to last year. I have gained some confidence back in myself, which is much better than last year. I am being hard on myself, now, with the little things.

Last year, it was about getting the walking in and not getting tired in 5 minutes. Now, I have done that. I can walk some distance without it ruining my whole day…who am I kidding? It does ruin my day but I can push through the day and be okay. I gradually get tired which I prefer. I can walk without it ruining the moment of the event.

I’ll get there…slowly. This patience thing is driving me insane. I don’t want to be patient. I want everything to be the way it was. I want everything to be better and everything to be easy. I want feeling back in all of my muscles. I want to be able to run, when I feel like it. I want to be able to catch the frisbee while playing KanJam. I want my car back. I want to have the freedom of not having someone drive me around. I hate having to rely on others, even family members. I want to work again. I want my life back…

With that, my goal, in the next year, is to study for the Art Therapy exam for the summer. Take the damn exam, hopefully, pass it and by the next year find a job. Even if it takes me 2 years to find a job, I don’t care.

I need to get my shit together…I need to work on it like now. I just want to fast forward to being where I want to be in life. This is exhausting. Really fucking exhausting…

Oh, yeah!

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Update

PT

I started PT again (physical therapy) yesterday. I am glad that PT is happening again- It’s been a while since it ended back in October.

I was told that balance was one of the key things that would be worked on. Muscles that I didn’t know existed are being worked-down to muscles in my ankle… MY ANKLE (-_-)

Anyways, I am happy to back on the PT grind. I feel better that I’m working on my balance or anything for that matter… It’ll make so many things easier. After I got home, I was out. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. As I write this, I still can’t keep my eyes open… eh. It is what it is…The plan is to have PT three times a week.

One down and 93847938 more to go… I mayyy have exaggerated but you get the idea.

I get bored sitting at home, having nothing to do. I simply don’t know what to do sometimes, this gives me that something to do and it’s useful. I feel productive in my recovery.

Update

Remember, Remember…

Today’s post is about what I am going to do tonight. I had forgotten about it until I was talking to my new friend, Tom. When I got home, it caught up with me and now…I cannot wait…even though I know none of Eminem’s new songs (-_-)

Yes, we are going to see Rihanna and Eminem.

The thing is though, I was texting Nese, Ayse, and Aylin (sister and family friends) about our plans for tonight. I didn’t get excited until I brought it up to Tom.

Tom and Jenn have told me to listen to Eminem’s song Rap God. As I write this, I am listening to it and I am glad I listened to the two of them.

I cannot wait for this night to happen. It’ll be a good night with some good people.

FYI:  I went to bed listening to Eminem. I got this. 🙂

clear the air

let’s get things straight

I want to use this entry to explain to everyone that talking about the accident does not bother me. I feel like I am talking about a movie that I haven’t seen, only heard about how awful it was and how I shouldn’t watch it. I have no feelings about the accident. Literally, there is a black hole, no memories for a good 4 months of my 2013 life.

The one thing I am upset about… is not having my car. I miss my Cruze. She was so nice to me. We got along well…

I just woke up like this. I don’t remember like a couple of weeks before my birthday. There are brief moments I remember. That is all messed up because I, for some reason, associate any memory that I have to be wayyy before accident. My time frame for memories are off. Wayy off.

I remember this guy, Justin, that was working with me at NOVA. I do remember him leaving for another job. I remember talking to him about Art Therapy and what I was looking to do. He emailed me, continuing our conversation, the next day. I thought this happened in like January. I would have said this was before the accident with confidence. I stumbled on the email and it was dated February 14. (-_-) Really?

My timeline for my memories were always messed up but now I have no freaking idea what is going on with them.

Anyways, I don’t know anything about the accident. Being in a car does not scare me. You can’t be scared of something that didn’t happen. I only know something happened because of what family and friends have told me. Everyone expects me to have PTSD or something but I don’t. I have none of that. This accident affects others more than it does me..

Well, this is what my beautiful car turned into…on my birthday… (-_o)
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Can you blame me for not remembering? My sister doesn’t remember either… so there’s that…

Update

Dancing

Last night, I was at the bar with my loves and before we left I attempted to dance. Watching me dance, I imagine, is like watching a child. I don’t have any moves. I just bob up and down with my knees. I can’t do much else. It is freaking hard to move your feet and your body AND your arms at the same time to the music. Sheesh.

I am sorry to anyone who can’t dance and have told me they can’t. It is hard. 

I loved to dance and there wasn’t a reason not to if I felt the need to. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t an award winning dancer, but just simple dancing at the bar with your friends… well, I had that. 

I know this is something I have to work on. This is not something I will just get back. It is hard to move your feet and arms without falling on your face.

Nese, my sister, kept telling me to dance… because it was funny and she was drunk. Seda, my cousin, told me not to because she didn’t want me to hurt myself. (-_-) Can’t win… 

It was pretty funny! 

If a video or foto captured my magical moves… I’ll put it up next week for ya!

…’till then.

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