Feelings, The new me

Who is this person?

I have entered the life of someone else. I do not know this person anymore. I do not know how she’ll react to different scenarios. I do not know who this person is anymore. I know how she would have reacted before and what she would have done to deal with shit.

I am talking about myself in third person simply because I have to relearn myself. I have to relearn everything. I have to relearn who I am and what I am. The 24 years it took me to know what I am made of, well, I have to redo it in what? a few years. I may have written about this before but this is a big thing I have to over come. I have to relearn my mind and my body. It’s all up in the air.

I know what I was before but now? I don’t know if it still applies anymore. Sometimes old stuff applies but majority of the time, it doesn’t and because of that, I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I, especially, do not know how to deal with the new stuff that I am faced with. I am finding out new things about myself.

When I first got home from the hospital, my grandfather had tried giving me a ‘new birth date.’ He said that I was reborn that day. His intentions came from a good place. I got upset and told him that my birthday was February 15th. I demanded that nothing change and got really worked up about it. Well, I get why he said that. I am, also, realizing that he may have been onto something. I am someone else. I am, in essence, the same person but at the same time, I am different.

I can see what I was before the accident. I, literally, see all those memories as if it’s someone else’s. They are mine but at the same time, they’re not mine. That is what I was. That was someone else and this person? not the same. I don’t know who she is. I feel like I am ‘reborn. ‘That is silly to say that way but there is no other way to explain it properly. That person before the accident isn’t present anymore.

There are a lot of differences- I can’t explain it but there are. I can’t fight it. I need to except that it did happen.

No one is going to believe me because on the outside, there are no differences. I may find myself back where I was but right now, I know that changes have occurred. I guess the changes I’m talking about are in the details.

I feel like I’m rambling… -_- I dunno if any of this makes sense. Ah well. Nothing I can do about it besides let it happen. It is part of the healing process, I guess. I can’t speed up the process.

clear the air, Feelings

Finding Balance

I have been slacking with my posts. It’s a good thing that I have other things to keep myself busy with but I am forgetting the things I started, like this and my art.

I just need to find the balance. I don’t know know to manage all these things at once. I was talking to Tom and one of the things I realized is that everyone thinks I can handle a lot more than I really am able to handle. Don’t get me wrong, in most situations, I do sell myself short. It’s because of that everyone thinks I can do much more than I can. I do not mind it. I welcome it and most times I do need that ‘push’ but other times, well, I don’t always need that push. It simply is what it is and the brain stuff? Well, I don’t have it all together and it is hard for everyone to get because you can’t see it.

I have a lot of wrong with me and it does no one any good by pretending that it isn’t there. I need to find the balance of all the different things (events, gatherings, etc) going on in my life, the goals I have for myself, and habits I want to keep up with (playing my clarinet, making art). All that stuff- I want to do and I get down on myself that I didn’t make it happen.

I am struggling with myself really hardcore, guys. I have 923787724098 things that I want to happen. Things I want control of that I currently don’t have control over.

This post got heavy real quick… :/

This shit is hard. Real hard. Especially, feelings. Ugh. I hate it. I wish my whole body was just broken but not my brain. Leave that shit alone… It is not easy to deal with that. The walking? That was/is the easy stuff.

Feelings, Update

What is going on?

I am really being challenged this week. My core values and who I am is really being put to the test. It is a good thing, I suppose, you really learn who you are and what you are this way? I am trying to be positive since I’m constantly being reminded that I am not being positive enough. (-_-) It is difficult though. This whole fucking thing is so difficult. I am constantly being challenged emotionally and physically.

I used to be this confident person. She knew what she wanted, didn’t care what others thought, others couldn’t sway her, she was sure… Oh, was she sure. She was super confident in who she was and didn’t think twice…

Now? Now, it has come undone. I have never thought I’d miss that about myself. I wish of all things I didn’t lose my confidence and my Tiffany’s bracelet. (-_0)

I am having an existential? dilemma? 🙂 that seems right. Nothing is good. I am having a battle with my insides. My liver is screaming at my stomach. Ugh. It is rough. 😀