The new me, Update

Later, Summer

The end of the Summer and start of Fall has been something to remember. I am so glad that the things that did happen, happened. Everything was an opportunity for me to learn more about myself. All situations, good or bad, has taught me something about myself. I am very grateful for that.

I cannot be angry or upset any longer. I have been dealt a shit card for the past year and half, but I have learned a lot. Don’t get me wrong, good does come out of it. What is the saying? Something sunshine after the rain? 😀 Yeah, that.

Every situation in my life is a learning experience. I can grow from it. I need to come to peace with a lot. There is something to learn from every situation.

I have been given the chance to do everything differently, if I choose to, and I do. I will be better than I was before. I know this is possible. As cliche as it sounds, I have been given another chance. I will take advantage of it. Nothing is worse than not doing what you want. There will be a day when you will no longer have the option to do it. So, no matter how hard something is, it is worth trying, at the very least. Then, you know and can say you tried.

You will not be given the chance, again, if you don’t go for it now.

Savor the moment. Any moment. Because it may never happen again. I don’t think anyone really thinks about this on a deep level. I sure as hell didn’t before the accident.

This world is temporary. Our relationships are temporary. Enjoy it. Learn from it. Move onto another moment. Be true to yourself and be the best you can…not for others, but for yourself.

This is something I am trying to do for myself… I know I can pull it off. Do I sound full of myself? Maybe.

I am lucky to have friends to think of me for moments like this… Joey’s fiancee, Erin, wasn’t able to go to Florida, so, Joey thought of me. I am currently in Florida with him and having a blast. I’ll post pictures up of the trip next week! Or the week after… My options are endless!

clear the air, Feelings

Regret

Anyone that knows me knows that I don’t like to regret anything. I don’t regret any of my decisions. I don’t regret people that have come and gone. I don’t regret anything. I know that whatever decision I have made to get there, was my own. I can say, “I did it to my self” or “I wanted to.” I knew that whatever happened, in the end, was my own doing and nothing can change that. But now, I feel the opposite.

I cannot even tell you a moment in my life that I regret. Regretting something feels awful. You cannot take the moment back and change it. It happened. Knowing this, I still regret that it happened.

For the first time in my life, I regret something happening. I am embarrassed we happened. Anyone close to me know what I am talking about… with that, I regret this summer.

I must be an awful person. Jeeze. I was asked not to talk to said person. Whoops, sorry, not asked, I was told to stay away and to leave said person alone. Heh. I guess I don’t know when to stop. But the problem just mayyy lie in the fact that when no one talks to me and tries to explain to me what the fuck is going on, I kinda lose it. I am not impossible.

I regret getting into my car to go to work that morning. I should have called in ‘sick’ and taken a birthday day off. I should have dealt with my breakup like a normal person. I should have just laid in bed until I was over it butttttt no. I couldn’t do that. Ughh. The things I regret now…

Why do I surround myself with people who don’t like to talk about things? Things like feelings? As soon as that comes into play, everyone’s out. This includes people close to me.

How come everyone knows what I am saying when it comes to their problems or someone else’s problems but as soon as I talk about what he/she have done to me, personally, they fall off the map? They don’t know what I am talking about. I must be crazy. That is what I am told – in some form or another.

…but I am an awful person. I don’t know when to stop talking. I don’t know how to end things. I don’t know how to deal with my emotions. I don’t know how to just end things the way they are.

Because I have so many things wrong with me, well, there must be an explanation for this. Yes, I am the one that got hurt in an accident and has a lot wrong with her… “She must be the problem, not me. Nothing happened to me.” And yes, I will continue using this accident as a scapegoat until it isn’t used against me. (there is A LOT of sarcasm going on up there ^ and no, people don’t say that to me. I am just assuming that is what is going on in everyone’s heads)

Don’t get me wrong. Everyone doesn’t use the accident against me. The people closest to me use that one. New people in my life, don’t, because they didn’t know me before or during.

In the end, I am using this entry to express my anger, like most of my entries. I have regretted this past summer. It was an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. I am trying to see the good in it, regardless, of how it went down. I know I regret everything, now, because I am angry/hurt. I know, in a month, I will be okay and I will see things in a different light.

Maybe I don’t regret. Maybe I am hurt. Maybe that’s what I am feeling. Maybe I’m confusing regret with anger. I think that is what is going on…

Why am I surrounded by people that firmly believe they did nothing wrong even when I tell them they did do something wrong? Just say sorry for hurting someone… Ughh! Just be sorry for making me feel awful. I feel this way for a reason and you are the cause for it. For some reason, people think that if they say “sorry” they are saying they take back everything. No. You are apologizing for making that person feel awful.

This whole apologizing thing really gets me going and I am surrounded by people who don’t understand that there is a difference in what you apologize for. You can forgive but it doesn’t mean you forget. “I am sorry for making you feel shitty but I am not sorry for who I am.” There has to be a better way to explain what I mean about apologizing but I am going to jump ahead and just say you get it. Heh.

 

clear the air, Feelings

I can think for myself…

This has been an issue for me. Everyone means well, I know this but I can’t help and get offended. In the end, I am human and everyone else would feel the same. A lot of people would be quick to tell me they wouldn’t but it’s time to stop lying to yourself. Nobody knows they’re doing this but I can’t help feeling this way. The accident has made me temporarily sensitive…

I can make my own decisions.

I know how to make my them with thought. I do not need help doing that for myself. When I ask for help making a decision, no one is there. Then it’s, “you need to make choices for yourself. I can’t do that for you” (-_-)

I get help when it is convenient for others.

I get that people work like that, naturally, but I don’t get a choice in any of this, so, why do you get a choice in when to help me? I can make my own choices. My brain isn’t that damaged. Everyone is quick to tell me it isn’t and that I can do so much. Stop treating me like I am damaged when it works for you. None of this works for me, so, if you are currently in my life, nothing about our relationship is going to be convenient. If this doesn’t work for you than you’re not supposed to be in my life.

I dunno. Maybe I am making assumptions and jumping to conclusions but I have nothing else to go on. That is what everyone is  doing and why I am feeling that way. So, everyone’s are doing that. There is a reason why I am feeling like this despite intentions being good. Good intentions don’t make the way I am feeling go away… But thanks.

I feel as if everyone treats me different because of my injuries. I take all this to heart. I don’t like being treated like a child or talked to as if something isn’t right. Yes, things aren’t right. I know this. I do not need to be constantly reminded by it. I didn’t forget. I am always looking at my injuries straight in the face. I do not need everyone reminding me of something I already know. It doesn’t just slip my mind (-_-)

I don’t like being asked if everything is okay. Especially, if that person asks in the tone as if I’m fragile.  I get offended. I am not fragile. If I was, I wouldn’t be here. Would I? Let’s think about this.

It’s like I don’t know how to express myself or tell anyone that something’s wrong. I didn’t lose my speech. I didn’t lose function in my brain completely. Just treat me like there isn’t something wrong and when I tell you I can’t handle it, well, then you should back off or start over. Again, this injury recovery thing, does not work on everyone else’s time. It doesn’t even work on my time. So, back the fuck off. If I need to learn patience, in regard to the time line for recovery, everyone else needs to stop rushing me.

I will get better. I am getting better. It is going to take time. I have all the time in the world, now. I will drive again. I will work again. I am pushing myself. I do a lot more than anyone else would be doing. It’s everyone else that isn’t giving me the credit that I deserve. I am not pessimistic but if I was as negative as everyone says I am, do you think that I would have gotten out of the hospital when I did? Cause I am pretty damn sure, I am doing so much better than I could be doing.

I’ll tell you when I can’t handle something. Thanks but no thanks.

 

Feelings

All over the place

I have been all over the place with emotions in general. I don’t know where I stand with anything anymore. Just when I think I know who I am and what I am, I’m proven wrong. It’s a process that is never ending. I am getting tired.

I just want to wake up and bypass all of this. I want to bypass all the recovery I have to go through, I want to bypass all the people that I have met since the accident, and I want to bypass all the new good and bad experiences that I have been shown.

I want to bypass everything and just be where I’m supposed to be… Than again, one would argue that I am where I need to be. Can’t win.

In the recent past, both friends and family, are playing with my little patience. I don’t know if it’s only me that has shit to work on that is causing problems left and right orrrr it’s those individuals. I dunno. I know I don’t help any situation at all but something’s gotta give.

Am I the only one who is working on being a better person from the core? Am I the only one that can take negativity against her whether she wants it or not? Am I the only one that is supposed to take it without complaining? Oh, right, I already have shit to work on. Got it.

Lately, I haven’t been a happy person. I am good at pretending I am. Everyone falls for it… Maybe I am depressed. Maybe I am in denial just like everyone else is my life. Maybe I don’t have anything under control despite what I think. Everyone else thinks they do with their lives but I highly doubt that. No one has anything under control. They think they do and that’s including me.

Repairing the Ego? It’s fucking hard… That is what I have to work on. My Ego. I let it take punches. Not just once but a couple of times and it fucking hurts. Like I said before, I rather have my legs broken repeatedly than to have my brain/Ego take a hit. That shit is worse than not having your body work… at least then you know what is wrong and you don’t have to guess.\Nese

It was Nese’s birthday on Thursday. Better late than never. Happy Belated Sister. ❤