I have been all over the place with emotions in general. I don’t know where I stand with anything anymore. Just when I think I know who I am and what I am, I’m proven wrong. It’s a process that is never ending. I am getting tired.
I just want to wake up and bypass all of this. I want to bypass all the recovery I have to go through, I want to bypass all the people that I have met since the accident, and I want to bypass all the new good and bad experiences that I have been shown.
I want to bypass everything and just be where I’m supposed to be… Than again, one would argue that I am where I need to be. Can’t win.
In the recent past, both friends and family, are playing with my little patience. I don’t know if it’s only me that has shit to work on that is causing problems left and right orrrr it’s those individuals. I dunno. I know I don’t help any situation at all but something’s gotta give.
Am I the only one who is working on being a better person from the core? Am I the only one that can take negativity against her whether she wants it or not? Am I the only one that is supposed to take it without complaining? Oh, right, I already have shit to work on. Got it.
Lately, I haven’t been a happy person. I am good at pretending I am. Everyone falls for it… Maybe I am depressed. Maybe I am in denial just like everyone else is my life. Maybe I don’t have anything under control despite what I think. Everyone else thinks they do with their lives but I highly doubt that. No one has anything under control. They think they do and that’s including me.
Repairing the Ego? It’s fucking hard… That is what I have to work on. My Ego. I let it take punches. Not just once but a couple of times and it fucking hurts. Like I said before, I rather have my legs broken repeatedly than to have my brain/Ego take a hit. That shit is worse than not having your body work… at least then you know what is wrong and you don’t have to guess.\
It was Nese’s birthday on Thursday. Better late than never. Happy Belated Sister. ❤