clear the air, Feelings

I can think for myself…

This has been an issue for me. Everyone means well, I know this but I can’t help and get offended. In the end, I am human and everyone else would feel the same. A lot of people would be quick to tell me they wouldn’t but it’s time to stop lying to yourself. Nobody knows they’re doing this but I can’t help feeling this way. The accident has made me temporarily sensitive…

I can make my own decisions.

I know how to make my them with thought. I do not need help doing that for myself. When I ask for help making a decision, no one is there. Then it’s, “you need to make choices for yourself. I can’t do that for you” (-_-)

I get help when it is convenient for others.

I get that people work like that, naturally, but I don’t get a choice in any of this, so, why do you get a choice in when to help me? I can make my own choices. My brain isn’t that damaged. Everyone is quick to tell me it isn’t and that I can do so much. Stop treating me like I am damaged when it works for you. None of this works for me, so, if you are currently in my life, nothing about our relationship is going to be convenient. If this doesn’t work for you than you’re not supposed to be in my life.

I dunno. Maybe I am making assumptions and jumping to conclusions but I have nothing else to go on. That is what everyone is  doing and why I am feeling that way. So, everyone’s are doing that. There is a reason why I am feeling like this despite intentions being good. Good intentions don’t make the way I am feeling go away… But thanks.

I feel as if everyone treats me different because of my injuries. I take all this to heart. I don’t like being treated like a child or talked to as if something isn’t right. Yes, things aren’t right. I know this. I do not need to be constantly reminded by it. I didn’t forget. I am always looking at my injuries straight in the face. I do not need everyone reminding me of something I already know. It doesn’t just slip my mind (-_-)

I don’t like being asked if everything is okay. Especially, if that person asks in the tone as if I’m fragile.  I get offended. I am not fragile. If I was, I wouldn’t be here. Would I? Let’s think about this.

It’s like I don’t know how to express myself or tell anyone that something’s wrong. I didn’t lose my speech. I didn’t lose function in my brain completely. Just treat me like there isn’t something wrong and when I tell you I can’t handle it, well, then you should back off or start over. Again, this injury recovery thing, does not work on everyone else’s time. It doesn’t even work on my time. So, back the fuck off. If I need to learn patience, in regard to the time line for recovery, everyone else needs to stop rushing me.

I will get better. I am getting better. It is going to take time. I have all the time in the world, now. I will drive again. I will work again. I am pushing myself. I do a lot more than anyone else would be doing. It’s everyone else that isn’t giving me the credit that I deserve. I am not pessimistic but if I was as negative as everyone says I am, do you think that I would have gotten out of the hospital when I did? Cause I am pretty damn sure, I am doing so much better than I could be doing.

I’ll tell you when I can’t handle something. Thanks but no thanks.

 

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6 thoughts on “I can think for myself…”

  1. Hey, you probably don’t know me cause we’ve really only crossed paths once before, but lemme tell you that I hear ya loud and clear. I really hated the moments where I knew I might have not been on my ‘A’ game and to others is was even more painfully obvious by their facial expressions and their words. But I will tell you that despite what others thought of me and usually I was preoccupied with those who judged me, the end result had me trusting the life process so to say. I was a poor reader in the grade school years and never really got to a point of self aceeptance of my “strange” style of thinking (just ask dean and jenn) until I was much older and probably within the past 2-3 years. I just encourage you to be you, in whatever form that comes out, it helped me just accept myself, my limitations and my potential. Hope you keep on your path of recovery.

    1. Yes. I remember crossing paths with you.

      Thank you for that. Accepting myself is the hardest part lately. :/ but I’ll get there.

  2. I understand how you’re feeling. People probably making you feel “special” or slow, but what gets me is when you say that they’re tending to you when it suits them or something along those lines…that’s deep. Well, not so much, but what I mean to say is if you see that; that you can percieve that then you’re on the ball. Sigh. What can I tell you? Bottom line: you just have to bide your time my friend. Just bide your time. You know that this state of things is not forever, it’s only temporary. Let your anger or hate fuel your hunger to get you there.

    1. I have to remind myself to be bide my time and be patient with the process of recovery. It’s soooo hard sometimes. Some days I’m just like ‘fuck it’ but that always bites me in the ass. So I dunno what to do anymore but bide my time.

      1. It’s hard though. Remember, you’re human, you have limits ontop of these temporary limits and you shouldn’t have to feel funny complaining about the strife.

        Sometimes you have flip out and crash in order to reboot -understand? That’s how we’re designed. You’re fighting an incredible fight one for your health and dignity and if it happened for a “Reason” then I suspect it’s because you can handle it.

        I think you might be going through your trial because you can take it and passing this ordeal is needed for you to gain experience in this carnation. You are being challenged, you, alone. All comfort and familiarity is taken from you and although cruel, the intention (I think) is not to destroy you but rather to pose the question what are you going to do, or to go even further and ask, “show us your might” -get it?

  3. I completely get it. Maybe I am rebooting…

    However, I do feel funny complaining. I don’t know why. I know I shouldn’t but I do :/ I don’t know how to undo that. Maybe because I never wanted to be that person and did everything in my power not to complain and now? I feel funny…

    Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am able to handle it? I find it hard to believe, sometimes. I just need to give myself more credit.

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