Regret

Anyone that knows me knows that I don’t like to regret anything. I don’t regret any of my decisions. I don’t regret people that have come and gone. I don’t regret anything. I know that whatever decision I have made to get there, was my own. I can say, “I did it to my self” or “I wanted to.” I knew that whatever happened, in the end, was my own doing and nothing can change that. But now, I feel the opposite.

I cannot even tell you a moment in my life that I regret. Regretting something feels awful. You cannot take the moment back and change it. It happened. Knowing this, I still regret that it happened.

For the first time in my life, I regret something happening. I am embarrassed we happened. Anyone close to me know what I am talking about… with that, I regret this summer.

I must be an awful person. Jeeze. I was asked not to talk to said person. Whoops, sorry, not asked, I was told to stay away and to leave said person alone. Heh. I guess I don’t know when to stop. But the problem just mayyy lie in the fact that when no one talks to me and tries to explain to me what the fuck is going on, I kinda lose it. I am not impossible.

I regret getting into my car to go to work that morning. I should have called in ‘sick’ and taken a birthday day off. I should have dealt with my breakup like a normal person. I should have just laid in bed until I was over it butttttt no. I couldn’t do that. Ughh. The things I regret now…

Why do I surround myself with people who don’t like to talk about things? Things like feelings? As soon as that comes into play, everyone’s out. This includes people close to me.

How come everyone knows what I am saying when it comes to their problems or someone else’s problems but as soon as I talk about what he/she have done to me, personally, they fall off the map? They don’t know what I am talking about. I must be crazy. That is what I am told – in some form or another.

…but I am an awful person. I don’t know when to stop talking. I don’t know how to end things. I don’t know how to deal with my emotions. I don’t know how to just end things the way they are.

Because I have so many things wrong with me, well, there must be an explanation for this. Yes, I am the one that got hurt in an accident and has a lot wrong with her… “She must be the problem, not me. Nothing happened to me.” And yes, I will continue using this accident as a scapegoat until it isn’t used against me. (there is A LOT of sarcasm going on up there ^ and no, people don’t say that to me. I am just assuming that is what is going on in everyone’s heads)

Don’t get me wrong. Everyone doesn’t use the accident against me. The people closest to me use that one. New people in my life, don’t, because they didn’t know me before or during.

In the end, I am using this entry to express my anger, like most of my entries. I have regretted this past summer. It was an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. I am trying to see the good in it, regardless, of how it went down. I know I regret everything, now, because I am angry/hurt. I know, in a month, I will be okay and I will see things in a different light.

Maybe I don’t regret. Maybe I am hurt. Maybe that’s what I am feeling. Maybe I’m confusing regret with anger. I think that is what is going on…

Why am I surrounded by people that firmly believe they did nothing wrong even when I tell them they did do something wrong? Just say sorry for hurting someone… Ughh! Just be sorry for making me feel awful. I feel this way for a reason and you are the cause for it. For some reason, people think that if they say “sorry” they are saying they take back everything. No. You are apologizing for making that person feel awful.

This whole apologizing thing really gets me going and I am surrounded by people who don’t understand that there is a difference in what you apologize for. You can forgive but it doesn’t mean you forget. “I am sorry for making you feel shitty but I am not sorry for who I am.” There has to be a better way to explain what I mean about apologizing but I am going to jump ahead and just say you get it. Heh.

 

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