Today, Update

Thanksgiving

Back to real life… Thanksgiving was spent at my aunt and uncle’s house. They made a mean turkey and my cousin, Seda, made some killer sides. I had a good night.

I ate a lot. My uncle at one point said, “I have only heard about how much you eat. This is the first time I have actually seen it for myself.” I ate more than I should. I was told to “stop” because “I had plenty.” I was compared to a “squirrel” and “chipmunk.”

All I know is that I had a delicious meal that tasted fantastic. I didn’t want it to end.

After the eating, us, cousins, played Settler’s of Catan. If you don’t know, get to know. It is pretty addicting for no reason. Maybe. I dunno. haha I love it. While playing games, we were treated to some blueberry pie. 😀

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image4 The End. Bye.

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Feelings

Words

Before the accident, it was a habit not to take everyone’s spoken word seriously. I wouldn’t hold people on what they say. I knew that words are just that…words. They don’t hold much worth with people you just met or aren’t close with. But now? The spoken word is all I have and I don’t know what to take seriously and what not to.

I am not sure of anything anymore. I forget to tell myself that what someone is saying may not have any weight. That person is probably just saying whatever, for the moment. I am being reminded of this all the time but I can’t help but trust people.

Maybe that is my problem, trusting people. That is what it comes down to in the end, I have become too trusting. I’ve always seen people as ‘good’ until they did something to me that didn’t warrant that. I dunno why I take what everyone says to heart… I know better.

Actually, I know. I take what people say seriously because that’s all I’ve got. Everything I know about people, friends, and family, went out the window. I have to relearn myself and the world around me, as well. I have to trust myself in order to lower my standards for everyone else. It’s a process…

I am doing all this learning and it sucks. I know all of this. Why can’t I put it into practice?

Oh! Because it isn’t a habit anymore. I have to let my brain relearn how to put things that I know into practice.

I got side tracked… SOoo, people don’t believe what they’re saying themselves. They don’t put worth in their words for themselves and then!! They are the ones that get upset when someone holds what they said against them. (-_-)

I don’t call everyone my ‘friend.’ Anyone that knows me should have picked up on that. I don’t call someone I just met a ‘friend,” they become ‘someone I know.’ As Gotye said. ‘Now, you’re just somebody that I used to know…” lol I crack myself up.

Jenn, my good friend, I’ve known her since 7th grade. That’s a pretty long time. She obviously is my best friend but I didn’t used those words too much. Not casually. Those words are heavy. ‘Best Friend’ is a big deal. It means that person is everything. Don’t get me wrong, Jenn is. It took some time for me to use that word for someone that, clearly, deserved it. If I had some trouble with ‘best friend,’ don’t you think ‘friend’ might hold some weight in my life? I’d say so… If an individual calls me their ‘friend,’ well, it means something to me.

See, that’s where I forget that everyone doesn’t hold the same weight to that word as I do. Ugh, this is frustrating. I have to remind myself of 9734834 things, at all times, otherwise, I get stuck.

If you are going to tell someone something think about it, it may mean something else to the person you are talking to. Your intention may not come across to the person you are talking to. They only have your words and that is what they are going off of, especially, if you don’t know the individual.

Choose your words carefully.

If you don’t know the person you are talking to well enough, things may go in a direction you aren’t ready for. If a word runs the risk of being held in another way than the way you intend it, I wouldn’t use it.

Don’t take the short cut.

Sometimes, it’s better to take the time to explain yourself without short cuts. You won’t run the risk of being misunderstood. This is not the time to be lazy… especially, if feelings are involved.

I bring this up because someone asked me a while ago, why I keep bringing up that he wanted Nese and I to stay friends. He said he wanted us in their life. For me, if I said that to someone, it means that individual means something to me. I wouldn’t have said it but that’s just me. If my sister and I didn’t mean anything then why say it? I’m getting side tracked again…

But does that mean you are responsible if someone else misunderstands you and gets hurt? Most would say ‘no.’ I am included in that group but shouldn’t you be more aware of what you are saying so that doesn’t happen? I dunno. When you are talking you should have in mind that misunderstanding could/will happen…so be ready…but the person listening should, also, remember that the other person doesn’t hold the same meanings for words as they do. Both parties should keep those things in mind. I think…You may disagree.

Feelings

I just can’t

I can’t balance my own thoughts and what not together, but, apparently, I should be able to handle everyone else’s…as if mine is not enough 😒

I have become this sensitive individual. I don’t know who she is. She’s sensitive about the stupidest things and gets offended by the littlest things.

It feels like my Ego is taking a beating.

Everything said by others is subjective. I know this. What a person is saying out loud, isn’t what they intend.

So, yes, I am offended/upset/angry/sad/happy/confused about what you said. Because that’s what I understood. It’s not my fault you suck at talking.

People seem to forget this: no one can read their mind and they’re awful at talking. No one knows what you’re feeling and what it means.

Chances are high that the other person can’t read your mind, therefore, they really don’t know what you’re saying and your true intentions. That’s why misunderstandings and fights happen.

There also seems to a double standard with everyone. People do the talking about how they are and how they want to be treated by others. There is nothing wrong with talking about what you want and need. It’s the human way and how people learn who you are…But everyone is quick to do the talking and miss the listening part.

I liked being the person whom I was talking about. I want to be that person again…I am trying hard to be that person. What is the saying? Treat others the way you would like to be treated? It sounds about right…

I will treat you the way I want to be treated by you. So, let’s really think about this… Do I treat/talk to you that way?

This blog of mine has become journal-like… All over the place. 😳

The new me, Update

Getaway

I spent a week in Florida, last week. Well, I met Joey and Robbie there on the 24th of October and flew back on the 1st of this month.

I am so thankful that I was asked to go and did go. Joey was kind enough to think of me and it was so good to get away by myself. I needed it. It was an opportunity to show myself that I’d be okay without my parents or my sister. I didn’t realize how dependent I have become of them. At the same time, my family needed to be forced to see that I can handle myself on my own. I dunno. It was a push in the right direction…whether we were ready or not…

Anyways, I don’t want to get all sappy and make it about what I learned…obviously, I learned stuff. I’m home now and I have decided that when I retire I will probably do what other men and women do when they retire…make their way down south. They do it for a reason and I will be of those people (probably). If I don’t make it happen sooner.

So, we were at all the parks. We, eventually, made it to Universal to get to Harry Potter World (totally worth it). We were housed at the Contemporary. We ate at a swanky restaurant at the hotel. Had our cigar nights for some real talk (which was pretty rad). Ya know, I had a good time.

I have gone to Florida before with these two and it was never as relaxed as it was this time. It was exactly what I needed. We saw everything and did the important stuff. It wasn’t rushed. I felt good.

I got to see and spend time with Jenn and her cousin, JJ. We all spent all day, Saturday, at Hollywood Studios. It was awesome. We took the best picture on the Tower of Terror. Yeah, we planned it and it was perfect 😀

We took some selfies with characters, had breakfast at Ohana at the Polynesian hotel, had dinner at the California Grill, I had a lot of lattes, had dinner at Be Our Guest aka Beast’s castle in Magic Kingdom (I wanted this to happen sooo bad) and had the “grey stuff’ (it was delicious), rode the Hogwart’s express, and had lunch at Krusty Burger. It was a pretty awesome week…

Oh! and we collected a lot of candy on Halloween at Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween…Yeah, it was my kind of Halloween.  I was a flower and I got 4 compliments on my costume that my sister made 😀

Here are some pictures for you to be jealous of…

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I could bore you with every detail of my trip. Just know that I had an awesome time, spent too much money, and got away from home. I needed this.

Feelings

Deepppp

I was talking to my friend, Louis. He said some things that…I dunno the word that would apply here but he put my feelings and thoughts into words that I think I have trouble with. That does happen sometimes… Maybe everyone is correct in that I don’t give myself enough credit. My physical therapist said that to me… a lot. :/ Ughhhhh…

Anyway, I feel that this is how I have been functioning for the past year… This has been my motto of sorts…maybe motto isn’t the word. Maybe how I’ve been looking at life? I dunno but you get it. 😀second chance

Louis: “I wonder if the before and after mentality isn’t healthy. A second chance is definitely worth being grateful for. You know that better than I do. But really, despite the drastic changes in every part of your life, you’re still living your first chance. I just wonder if you’re stuck between trying to move forward towards a solid future and trying to move back to who you were before the accident. It’s gotta be a very unsettling state. Maybe you should pick one and forget about trying to reach the other.”

I cried when I read that the first time. I wasn’t crying because it’s sad but because he couldn’t be more true. I am stuck. I am, oh, so, very stuck between then and now.  This whole entry is full with tears. :/ Eh, it happens I guess.
I should forget the past and just work on what I am, now, for later. I can’t change what happened- I can’t change anything from the past but I can work on myself for tomorrow.
This quote is from a Parks and Recreation episode. In the episode, Leslie and Ben get married. Andy is rough on himself because he isn’t a cop… Chris comes in and says this to Andy:
 “This is a very important moment for you. How we deal with tragedy defines who we are. I used to be terrible at it. Beyond terrible. You are not going to let this deflate you. You are going to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and we will figure out what the next step is.”
I am Andy in that episode…
I am gonna gloat a little and say that I am self aware…to a certain extent. I do feel the need to make the necessary changes to be better. I, also, take criticism much better than before and everyone else. I like knowing what I did wrong because I can’t figure it out quick enough on my own. I see all corrections and criticism as learning something new about what this person is doing because I don’t get it.
I am aware of what I do to myself but I don’t know what I am doing to affect you, so, that’s what I need help with.