I was talking to my friend, Louis. He said some things that…I dunno the word that would apply here but he put my feelings and thoughts into words that I think I have trouble with. That does happen sometimes… Maybe everyone is correct in that I don’t give myself enough credit. My physical therapist said that to me… a lot. Ughhhhh…
Anyway, I feel that this is how I have been functioning for the past year… This has been my motto of sorts…maybe motto isn’t the word. Maybe how I’ve been looking at life? I dunno but you get it. 😀
Louis: “I wonder if the before and after mentality isn’t healthy. A second chance is definitely worth being grateful for. You know that better than I do. But really, despite the drastic changes in every part of your life, you’re still living your first chance. I just wonder if you’re stuck between trying to move forward towards a solid future and trying to move back to who you were before the accident. It’s gotta be a very unsettling state. Maybe you should pick one and forget about trying to reach the other.”
I cried when I read that the first time. I wasn’t crying because it’s sad but because he couldn’t be more true. I am stuck.
I am, oh, so, very stuck between then and now. This whole entry is full with tears.
Eh, it happens I guess.
I should forget the past and just work on what I am, now, for later. I can’t change what happened- I can’t change anything from the past but I can work on myself for tomorrow.
This quote is from a Parks and Recreation episode. In the episode, Leslie and Ben get married. Andy is rough on himself because he isn’t a cop… Chris comes in and says this to Andy:
“This is a very important moment for you. How we deal with tragedy defines who we are. I used to be terrible at it. Beyond terrible. You are not going to let this deflate you. You are going to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and we will figure out what the next step is.”
I am Andy in that episode…
I am gonna gloat a little and say that I am self aware…to a certain extent. I do feel the need to make the necessary changes to be better. I, also, take criticism much better than before and everyone else. I like knowing what I did wrong because I can’t figure it out quick enough on my own. I see all corrections and criticism as learning something new about what this person is doing because I don’t get it.
I am aware of what I do to myself but I don’t know what I am doing to affect you, so, that’s what I need help with.