A Muslim Christmas

This week was pretty busy and because we don’t celebrate it, my sister, my two cousins, and I go to our friend, Stella’s house for Christmas. We have been doing this for some time now and I look forward to it every year. Dinner was amazing, as always. We had dessert! Hot chocolate was there and we played some Settlers of Catan… The night wouldn’t be complete without that game. The kids were too funny. I had an awesome time. Here are some fotos from that night:

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Thennnnnn yesterday was Donna’s birthday. We went out to a hookah bar, upon the birthday girl’s request. It wasn’t a bad time. We went to Tiki Hookah Bar in Farmingville. We had some drinks and our hookah. We went to another bar and the night fell apart with us. We were tired and it was a long night. When I say long night, you’re probably thinking that we got home at like 5am. We were done for the night by 1am. (-_-) We ordered our Domino’s and played our game… You guessed right… Settlers of Catan 😀

Well, here we are now. Having an average day. We went to IHOP today for lunch and just finished playing Catan. Here’s pictures from last night…

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New year’s should be interesting as well. I will probably do nothing… lol but you never know…

Feelings, The new me

My filing cabinets

The best way to explain to everyone how my brain is working at the moment is with filing cabinets.

Imagine a giant room filled with filing cabinets. In those cabinets are everything about my life. My likes, dislikes, events, people, travels, whatever you can think of. The room is so large that even with a normal brain (Mine is not normal anymore. She is not ‘crazy’ either) it’s hard to find what you are looking for (forgetting moments or details).

My filing cabinet room is all over the place. All the memories are not organized and not everything is where it needs to be. You know, if you went through the paperwork on the floor, you’d find what you are looking for. But there are so much paperwork to go through, that it isn’t a job that is going to take a night or week. This is a life time of paper work and there’s constantly new paperwork coming in. It seems like it’s never gonna end.

That’s how I imagine my brain to be functioning at the moment. My short term memory is awful but it has gotten tremendously better. I am using my phone to remind me of daily stuff I gotta get done like taking my medication or plans with friends. It makes the job easier.

I need cues. My mother and sister help with that. If I don’t remember what I did earlier in the week, I ask for help. I don’t want the whole event explained to me. I just need a cue to get the process going. The rest of the memory comes flooding back with a single word and I can take it from there.

I can do it on my own, the memory is there on the floor in the filing cabinet room, but it can take hours, days, or weeks to sort through everything. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to find the needed memory.

I know that everyone else needs to do that, too. I remember how my brain worked before. I understand that everyone is trying to make me feel better and show me that things are the same but I need help with what I did in general on a day, forget the details. It’s the details that functioning brains have trouble with…I have trouble with the over all memory of knowing I did it.

This is why I am ready for good or bad feedback. If I am doing something wrong, I have no problem being told what I did wrong. I don’t know what to look for and what your body language might mean. I don’t know what your words could mean. I don’t know have access to all of it fast and sometimes, it takes days for me to realize you had an issue with what I said…well, that is, if I remember it.

Of course, if you are attacking me, me listening goes out the window. If you sit down and talk to me like the human I am, I’ll listen. This is because my filing cabinets are all over the place and I have no time to figure out what worked for you and what didn’t. It’s easier to be told what takes me a while to figure out on my own. I don’t get offended. I am broken and I know it. I welcome any feedback. My servant has been working her ass off to get my filing cabinets organized properly… there was no guarantee that she can get it back exactly the way it was but at least this way, she knows which cabinets are yours and where to find it.

I guess, if I need cues, then some cabinets are intact? Maybe some got jumbled up. I need to make sure the cabinets have the right paperwork in them…This analogy is getting outta hand. 😀 It’s simple yet complicated. I dunno. Just know, this is hard.

The new me


Before the accident, it was known that I, Bahar Kaya, get motion sick? lol motion sickness? Either way, car, bus, boat, some rides, make me sick. This is a fact. The accident threw my body off. The things aren’t, obviously, normal with me and my body, for a short time, wouldn’t get sick in a car.

Now, I also knew who’s driving would definitely make me sick. Vehicles get me the most. I knew who’s car would get me in trouble and fall asleep if we were traveling long distances. That was my move, to fall asleep. That way, when I woke up, I wouldn’t feel awful for the rest of the day.

So, if my father is driving, it is guaranteed that I will get nauseous. Since the accident, I haven’t felt the need to sleep or stop playing with my phone, when he’s driving. I can be in the car without wanting to vomit everything I just ate.

I was at my aunt’s house, visiting, and my father got me when the night was over. On the way home, I was on my phone and playing with the radio. All of a sudden, I felt weird. It was a familiar feeling yet foreign. Regardless, I realized that I was feeling slightly nauseous. My old reactions/self kicked in. I wanted to lay my head down and sleep.

As much as that feeling is disgusting and I hate it, I can’t help but be happy that it’s coming back. Something is happening. I was excited that I was feeling a familiar sensation. It feels good when something happens in your life that is familiar. I know what to do and how to react to it. There is the little part of me that is me and I can say with confidence is me. It feels good to be faced with something familiar, even so small, in all the unfamiliar stuff.

It’s like going to a party, not knowing anyone or anything, and there is your friend Joe. You are so happy that Joe is there. You had no idea he was going to be at this party. Now, it’s okay if you don’t know anyone. You feel better. Oh! and Joe told you that Jenn and Mary are coming as well. They had another party to show their faces at. They’re running late but will eventually be there. Fantastic.

My motion sickness is Joe. Jenn and Mary are the other parts of me that is a bit delayed coming back. Could be anything really. Point is, you get the point. If you don’t, I can’t help ya. 😀 All I know, I was ecstatic. Old Bahar is there… somewhere.


clear the air, Feelings


I have never taken the word ‘crazy’ to heart as much as I have been lately. I don’t like the word being used on me or someone close to me… I don’t like the word being used, at all.

I don’t like it. Not one bit.

Now, I understand, sorta, why others lose it on the people that use that word to describe them. Whether or not, you truly believe that person is acting in that way, you don’t know that person well enough to know if that word will hit home. It was said to me and that is the one time I cannot forget about it. We were drunk, so whatever, but of all things that were said that night to me, that is the one that stuck out. Oh, and confirming the next day that I was as if I was going to understand it better not being drunk, wasn’t helpful. I mean, it still makes me angry thinking about that moment, but I have to remind myself that it isn’t the end of the world. I get angry because it is personal. I don’t have my shit together, I know this, but calling me ‘crazy’ only makes me feel shittier about myself. I feel shittier because I already feel that way and thank you for confirming it.

It isn’t a nice word at all… That person who is losing it on you, well, that word may be the reason they never speak to you again. This goes back to my other posts, no one knows your intention and you don’t know where that persons been. Maybe that person is having trouble with the mental or emotional stuff (like I am), maybe they’re seeing a therapist (for some reason this is a bad thing, I don’t know), maybe their family member is having trouble (it’s too close to home).

The point is: you don’t know what that person is going through in their life and it might hit them in a way that is beyond that situation. Just saying… 

I cannot say, when ‘crazy’ is being used, it was used to hurt me (maybe it was, I don’t know). I cannot say it was meant to be taken the way I took the word to me. Either way, i am finding that word to be offensive and bothersome, regardless of the context or intention behind it.

Why? Because I do have moments that aren’t explainable. I just do things and say things without thinking about it. I just react with whatever emotion I am feeling, good or bad. It comes off strong and forceful. I lose it. Granted, I am a bit, “off my rocker” but not all the time and when that word is tossed around, I take it as, “all the time.”

How come it’s so easy to be told that I am ‘crazy,’ ‘not normal,’ ‘not the same Bahar,’ when I do something out of the ordinary but they forget to tell me when I am doing something right and normal?

So, many people may not be calling me out and directly calling me ‘crazy,’ but when you say that, you may as well call me ‘crazy.’ I am able to let things go easier if it’s someone I don’t care too much about or am friends with. I can tell myself that person doesn’t matter and move on. Its harder to take from the people that are close. Those are the individuals that should know what I am doing to be better… To be told that, it feels like nothing is working. All that work for nothing.

It isn’t fair to call anyone ‘crazy’ or any form of it because you don’t know. You don’t know what is going on; What they are dealing with and if they are trying (it takes more effort  to some people than you would believe) to make changes. Just don’t use that word, even if you are really in a fight with someone and that is the point of fighting, to hurt that person’s feelings. I dunno. You don’t know if that word is going to stick with them passed that fight with you. Some things just need to be left out of fights/arguments/disagreements/just talking. The word is not a nice adjective to use to describe anyone… learn other words to describe what you are feeling. There are plenty of words that can be used that have proper meanings to describe yourself. You’re a grown up. The internet is there to help you. Everything is, literally, in the palm of your hands.

Just like making jokes about my accident isn’t funny yet, well, ‘crazy’ isn’t funny and will never be funny.