clear the air, Feelings

crazy

I have never taken the word ‘crazy’ to heart as much as I have been lately. I don’t like the word being used on me or someone close to me… I don’t like the word being used, at all.

I don’t like it. Not one bit.

Now, I understand, sorta, why others lose it on the people that use that word to describe them. Whether or not, you truly believe that person is acting in that way, you don’t know that person well enough to know if that word will hit home. It was said to me and that is the one time I cannot forget about it. We were drunk, so whatever, but of all things that were said that night to me, that is the one that stuck out. Oh, and confirming the next day that I was as if I was going to understand it better not being drunk, wasn’t helpful. I mean, it still makes me angry thinking about that moment, but I have to remind myself that it isn’t the end of the world. I get angry because it is personal. I don’t have my shit together, I know this, but calling me ‘crazy’ only makes me feel shittier about myself. I feel shittier because I already feel that way and thank you for confirming it.

It isn’t a nice word at all… That person who is losing it on you, well, that word may be the reason they never speak to you again. This goes back to my other posts, no one knows your intention and you don’t know where that persons been. Maybe that person is having trouble with the mental or emotional stuff (like I am), maybe they’re seeing a therapist (for some reason this is a bad thing, I don’t know), maybe their family member is having trouble (it’s too close to home).

The point is: you don’t know what that person is going through in their life and it might hit them in a way that is beyond that situation. Just saying… 

I cannot say, when ‘crazy’ is being used, it was used to hurt me (maybe it was, I don’t know). I cannot say it was meant to be taken the way I took the word to me. Either way, i am finding that word to be offensive and bothersome, regardless of the context or intention behind it.

Why? Because I do have moments that aren’t explainable. I just do things and say things without thinking about it. I just react with whatever emotion I am feeling, good or bad. It comes off strong and forceful. I lose it. Granted, I am a bit, “off my rocker” but not all the time and when that word is tossed around, I take it as, “all the time.”

How come it’s so easy to be told that I am ‘crazy,’ ‘not normal,’ ‘not the same Bahar,’ when I do something out of the ordinary but they forget to tell me when I am doing something right and normal?

So, many people may not be calling me out and directly calling me ‘crazy,’ but when you say that, you may as well call me ‘crazy.’ I am able to let things go easier if it’s someone I don’t care too much about or am friends with. I can tell myself that person doesn’t matter and move on. Its harder to take from the people that are close. Those are the individuals that should know what I am doing to be better… To be told that, it feels like nothing is working. All that work for nothing.

It isn’t fair to call anyone ‘crazy’ or any form of it because you don’t know. You don’t know what is going on; What they are dealing with and if they are trying (it takes more effort  to some people than you would believe) to make changes. Just don’t use that word, even if you are really in a fight with someone and that is the point of fighting, to hurt that person’s feelings. I dunno. You don’t know if that word is going to stick with them passed that fight with you. Some things just need to be left out of fights/arguments/disagreements/just talking. The word is not a nice adjective to use to describe anyone… learn other words to describe what you are feeling. There are plenty of words that can be used that have proper meanings to describe yourself. You’re a grown up. The internet is there to help you. Everything is, literally, in the palm of your hands.

Just like making jokes about my accident isn’t funny yet, well, ‘crazy’ isn’t funny and will never be funny.

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