My filing cabinets

The best way to explain to everyone how my brain is working at the moment is with filing cabinets.

Imagine a giant room filled with filing cabinets. In those cabinets are everything about my life. My likes, dislikes, events, people, travels, whatever you can think of. The room is so large that even with a normal brain (Mine is not normal anymore. She is not ‘crazy’ either) it’s hard to find what you are looking for (forgetting moments or details).

My filing cabinet room is all over the place. All the memories are not organized and not everything is where it needs to be. You know, if you went through the paperwork on the floor, you’d find what you are looking for. But there are so much paperwork to go through, that it isn’t a job that is going to take a night or week. This is a life time of paper work and there’s constantly new paperwork coming in. It seems like it’s never gonna end.

That’s how I imagine my brain to be functioning at the moment. My short term memory is awful but it has gotten tremendously better. I am using my phone to remind me of daily stuff I gotta get done like taking my medication or plans with friends. It makes the job easier.

I need cues. My mother and sister help with that. If I don’t remember what I did earlier in the week, I ask for help. I don’t want the whole event explained to me. I just need a cue to get the process going. The rest of the memory comes flooding back with a single word and I can take it from there.

I can do it on my own, the memory is there on the floor in the filing cabinet room, but it can take hours, days, or weeks to sort through everything. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to find the needed memory.

I know that everyone else needs to do that, too. I remember how my brain worked before. I understand that everyone is trying to make me feel better and show me that things are the same but I need help with what I did in general on a day, forget the details. It’s the details that functioning brains have trouble with…I have trouble with the over all memory of knowing I did it.

This is why I am ready for good or bad feedback. If I am doing something wrong, I have no problem being told what I did wrong. I don’t know what to look for and what your body language might mean. I don’t know what your words could mean. I don’t know have access to all of it fast and sometimes, it takes days for me to realize you had an issue with what I said…well, that is, if I remember it.

Of course, if you are attacking me, me listening goes out the window. If you sit down and talk to me like the human I am, I’ll listen. This is because my filing cabinets are all over the place and I have no time to figure out what worked for you and what didn’t. It’s easier to be told what takes me a while to figure out on my own. I don’t get offended. I am broken and I know it. I welcome any feedback. My servant has been working her ass off to get my filing cabinets organized properly… there was no guarantee that she can get it back exactly the way it was but at least this way, she knows which cabinets are yours and where to find it.

I guess, if I need cues, then some cabinets are intact? Maybe some got jumbled up. I need to make sure the cabinets have the right paperwork in them…This analogy is getting outta hand. 😀 It’s simple yet complicated. I dunno. Just know, this is hard.



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