The new me, Update

Balance

I probably wrote another post about my balance but not this kind. I have awful balance…my physical balance. The kind that involves walking and standing on two feet. That is one of the reasons why I cannot dance. Why I, also, can’t make sudden movements… AT ALL.

My balance act on flat land is like you being on a tightrope. Yeah, that is about right. When I am trying to perform my act on this foreign flat land my ankles are on of those things that keep me off track. They start shaking and become unstable to keep my body still.

It is so easy to throw me off. I will not hold your baby or play with a child. They are unpredictable and can very easily throw me off. The child and I can end up on the floor. I won’t be able to protect said child in any way. So, I sit and play or talk to the little human. I can hold a child before they walk and learn how to use their arms. That I can handle…If their parent is close.

Yeah, I am a danger to all humans that are not able to function properly without help orrrr someone unpredictable. I’d be the one getting hit by a car (I can make jokes like that but you can’t) because she can’t jump away quick enough. I am slow mostly because I cannot be fast. It throws me off.

Eh. Gotta just make the best of it. This is what life is for me nowadays. My life will always come back to the accident. I’ll deal.

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Feelings

Did you know…

that your ankles do a lot of work to keep you from falling over? I didn’t. I just assumed my feet and legs were doing all the work. Until now…

I’ve realized that in PT that my ankles had to do with my balance and walking. I knew they were weak, like the most of me, but I didn’t get it. I never thought twice about them. Ankles. Yeah, everyone has them. They’re there. They’re important but why?

I mean I don’t know why, but I do know that they do a lot of shit that no one thinks about.

In PT, whenever I was asked to do anything that involved balance or something that had me put all my weight was on one leg, my ankles would shake. They still do. I don’t remember what it was I was doing exactly for that to happen but I do remember them going nuts.

For my cousin’s henna night, I wore heels. That was the first time I wore heels. I wore thick heels because they are more stable. I had to keep walking once I started. I wasn’t able to stop short to talk or say ‘hi’ to anyone. I just apologized and kept going. I just have to wear the heels whenever I can, around the house or start smaller than I did.

Either way, I have weak ass ankles. I need to make sure they don’t give up on me. I also have this fear that they will just stop supporting me. I keep picturing a scene from the movie ‘Hostel.’ The scene is when one of the killer men, cuts the prisoner’s Achilles tendon in both legs so he/she wouldn’t run away. The person just fell over. I imagine my ankles doing that on their own. I don’t know where I get this from but I did and I’m all about making my ankles decent. I don’t want to feel like, if I do something new, they might stop working (-_-)

Funsies, Update

Whoops…

I missed last week. I was too involved with everything and everyone. Which is a good thing because that means I am doing normal things that normal people do.

Last week, I went to see my neurologist. This was the first doctor’s appointment I went without my mother. It felt good to do that on my own. I had to use my phone to have something to refer to. I wrote all the things I had to tell the doctor so I wouldn’t forget.

One of the things I told him was that for the past few weeks, my left arm would get twitchy, for no apparent reason. It wouldn’t be going on all day. It wouldn’t be a constant muscle spasm. I don’t know how to explain it really. Either way, I told the doctor and his face dropped. He told me that I might be having focal seizures. My mood stabilizer medication has another purpose. I have to take the 25mg Lamictal twice a day. That is for now. Next week, I will be going for an EEG. With that, hopefully, I’ll know if I am having seizures for sure.

I am told not to jump to conclusions until I find out for sure if I am having the seizures… ’till then…

In the mean time, I am doing not much. That has been on my mind for the past week now. Here are some wedding fotos for you to check out… It is not much but its something.

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Funsies

Gamze’s Kina Gecesi…

So, Thursday was my beautiful cousin, Gamze’s, henna (kina) night (gecesi). It was a delight. She was beautiful. She knew what she was doing. The night wasn’t at a house. They wanted more people there that their house could handle. It was still small compared to what it could have been. I didn’t do much dancing because… well… I can’t. I mean, I guess, I could dance if I wanted to but I can’t dance the way I want to or the way I used to.

I mean I wasn’t the best dancer, by any means, but I wasn’t the worst. I was able to keep up and now? I look like a 3 year old trying to dance. Anyone that tells me otherwise, well, you’re lying to me to make me feel better… or attempt to make me feel better.

I ended up crying when I was told to try and have fun. I know I could try but it won’t be the same. I know this and you know this. It doesn’t make me feel better. It’ll happen one day… but it wasn’t Thursday night.

Here are some pictures! lol

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The wedding is on Sunday. It’ll be a blast. I cannot wait. In the mean time, I am sleeping… :DIl

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