Funsies, The new me, Update

…and there is this

About a month ago, I told my neurologist that the muscles in my left arm would twitch every so often. I told him that I’d notice it when I’m calm and not doing anything really. I’d notice it when I’m laying in bed. I wouldn’t be able to stop it or control it, it would end whenever. 

A while back, I was given Lamictal to take to control my how I react in situations. It’s a mood stabilzer. It’s been working but I had the intention to eventually stop taking it. That was the goal. 

So when I said this, he immediately said ‘seizures.’ My medication was increased and the doctor wanted me to have an EEG. We got the results and everything is normal. sweet! 

Today, I had an appointment to see the doctor. He said that I was most likely having focal seizures. Not a big deal but I could have a full on seizure whenever my brain feels like it and my medication isn’t right. Awesome. 

There is no way I wanna be off this medication to find out. I haven’t been noticing any twiches or spasms in my left arm so something is working. 

Lamictal is a mood stabilizer but doubles as seizure medication. That may be why I haven’t had this happen before December. The medication has kept it at bay and I hope to never find out. 

πŸ˜•that’s my recent… My world has turned into something I don’t recognize. 😳

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Feelings

Standards

I have to work on myself AND work on relationships with friends and family. It is SOO hard to balance everything. Its so frustrating too.

Do I only work on myself? What do I do? How do I do this? How do I make everything work?

I wanna help and make it easier for everyone around me but it’s hard when you’re working on yourself. This is not a new thing only for me but for everyone around me too.

I expect everyone to keep their part, up to date, bc it’s hard to balance both. I can’t maintain myself and help others. I would LOVE to be able to but I can’t be my therapist self without helping myself out first.

I’ll get to you later.

The time is right for me. Not you. Sorry. Take a number. Hope you don’t have other plans bc you’ll be here for a while. I know this is selfish. Immensely selfish but when is the right time to be? Isn’t this the time?

Anyway, my sister has been telling me to lower my standards for every one. She said I expect too much from them (family). I think the problem lies with me having high standards for myself and holding others to that same standards.

If I don’t have these high standards, how will I get better or be better than I was or keep going in general? How am I supposed to keep going forward if no one around me is striving for the same thing? I need help and guidance.

Like a child, I need people around me doing the the thing that is expected of me. Where do I get my confidence or strength from? I need the high standards to strive for something. I need to want more from this accident. I don’t want to be someone who ‘just got better.’ I am, naturally, going to get better. As long as I’m alive, I will get better. Slowly. But I want more to come out of this. I need to strive for more. More has to come out of this accident. I expect, from all the people close to me, nothing more than I expect from myself. If I can grow and change from this, you can too. So, yes, I will have high standards and expect patience from my loved ones. It’s hard, I know, but I need to be shown it is possible.

Feelings, Today

HAPPY 27th BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

I wanna start by wishing myself a wonderful birthday…early. A day early. I would like to remind everyone that it is the second anniversary of my accident. Whatta day, my birthday. I don’t remember each of those events, the day I came I to this world and the day I almost left. The best day ever and worst day…25 years apart.

I also would like this chance to express how much I dislike Valentine’s Day because you make my birthday weekend too expensive to do anything. πŸ‘Ž

Oh! And a very Happy birthday fellow Aquarius, childhood friend, and new momma!! I hope you had a marvelous day with you’re little Olivia bean. ❀️🎈

I was just lying in bed thinking about how they’re gonna make a live action Beauty and the Beast and Emma Watson is Belle. I’m excited to see her play the part. Couldn’t have found anyone better. I approve…

Anyways, that got me thinking about how I really haven’t watched that movie. I think I may have once but I wasn’t into it. Either way, for anyone just tuning in, Beauty and the Beast, well, it’s my jam.

It’s probably more that I am going to get period that I am very emotional but regardless, I remember being in the hospital, one of the few moments I remember was that Beauty and the Beast was on ABC Family. My mother and sister left it on knowing that I love the movie and I believe I wanted it on. It had just started and as soon as the first song started in the beginning I started to cry.

I still cry thinking about that moment. I wanted the movie turned off. I think it was because I couldn’t sing to it. It upset me. I probably would be okay to watch it now. I can’t sing. I never could but I could get sound out.

Now? I can a little bit. I run out of breath and can’t catch it fast enough to a song now. So, I just mouth the words. I’ve come a long way, for sure. I think what gets me is that I was genuinely upset over this and I remember how I felt that night. It wasn’t nice. I, for the first time in that moment, didn’t want to watch that movie.

That moment was more than singing and the movie. It was about how I couldn’t do something as simple as singing. I know that might be silly (not that I was any good) but the singing thing still does, sorta, bother me. I just know how to control my emotions a little bit more now than I did then.

Many of you will tell me that ‘little things like that shouldn’t upset you’ and ‘look how far you’ve come.’

It’s when you can’t do the little things that you know should be easy. That’s when it hits home and really gets to me. Why can’t I do that now when i could before. It’s hard. Those are the moments that really get to me. Those moments would be hard for anyone.

Think about it. How angry/annoyed do you get when you can’t get something trivial done quick enough or just get it done? I know it happens because I used to get annoyed when something like that would happen. You get annoyed at yourself because, for whatever reason, you’re messing up and if it were another day, you’d have it done already. I, can’t get that simple task done because of this accident. I need practice. I cannot complete said task ‘just because.’

This is hard to explain, as most things that I talk about are. It’s hard to explain something to others that they will not understand unless they’re in it. I sincerely hope no one has the chance to experience this. It sucks guys. :/

clear the air, The new me

My head or brain or whatever is in that skull of mine

Edit: I have been off the grid for some time now…here is an oldie so you guys don’t forget about me. I’m in Turkey with my grandmother at the moment. I’ll be in a flight home tomorrow so next week things will be back to normal…sort of. I’ll tell you all about everything next week!

There are little things that I have wrong physically but they aren’t things that are noticed right away  to cause a person to think that something is wrong. At this point of recovery, whatever is wrong with me is with my brain.
I probably have talked about this before but it is really hard. I would have preferred to have woken up from my coma and have everything wrong with me physically. But nothing wrong with my brain.

This shit is hard. Really fucking hard.

I don’t have control like I want or like anyone expects me to have over my emotions. As my therapist said, I have triggers.

For those that do not know, triggers are words or scenarios that I get angry about or throw a tantrum over. As much as I don’t want to be called a child, I do have childlike tendencies. I ask that my loved ones, that want to be there for my recovery, to know that I have those and I am not normal. I want to be treated like an adult until I prove to you that I am not responding like an adult. That is when you should change your tune. That is another story for another day.

I have been trying to gain control over this. I’m not at my best and I want to be given the credit I deserve in those situations, when I do try.

I try. I am able to do it but it is going to take time. It takes a lot out of me to make a change. If it is hard for you to change you ways, it is even harder for me. Even though I was forced into this situation that does not mean it ‘s easier.

Correction: it is just as hard or even harder because I have all this changes that I have to incorporate and fit into my life.

It is not easy. For the people that choose to be in my life, they need to be flexible and I don’t have time to wait for you to be ready for the change. This shit is constantly getting better with me. I can’t say this is how it is or this will work, I simply don’t know the answer.

The doctors don’t know. They cannot give me a straight answer. So I can’t give you a straight answer.

This brain is all scrambled. I am working on changes but it takes hell of a lot time. I can speed up recovery when it’s something physical I have to work on but this brain? I can’t speed up it’s recovery. I have to just wait… It is a waiting game.

If you’re up for the wait and the challenges that come with it, come sit with me but if you aren’t, well, I’ll see you if 10+ years, whenever that may be.

Feelings, The new me

Lincoln

A couple of weeks ago, I watched the movie ‘Lincoln.’ I watched it with the mindset of this movie being another movie about a president.

Now, I know that Lincoln was, give or take, the best president. (Ok, ok. It’s my opinion.) My friend, John, would agree. Anyways, there are many reasons why he was. I think it helped that he was, overall, a good person. I like to believe this man was a good hearted man. (And if he wasn’t, I don’t want to know)

This post is not about how great of a president Lincoln was or how great the movie was. The answer to those questions are obvious. There was one quote from the movie that hit home with me…

“I could write shorter sermons but when I get started I’m too lazy to stop.”

That is how I feel after talking to my mother, sister, or anyone in my life. I start talking and don’t stop. The topic is serious, for me at least. It isn’t a general conversation. Usually, it is something that I feel strongly about, which, seems to be why Lincoln would start going on and on.

It isn’t that I can’t. It’s just harder. It takes effort to stop talking, being angry or whatever. It’s so hard. It’s not that I can’t give shorter sermons, I just get lazy to put the effort into stopping.

I, also, feel the need to say everything because I don’t want to forget what I wanted to say. I feel like I have to say what I am thinking or feeling. It is imperative that I do. I don’t know why I have to. I just know I have this need to say everything. I don’t know what this means or what, but it feels like a life or death situation. I know I won’t (obviously) but it feels that way. It’s weird.

Anyway, yeah. I keep talking or going on and on because it’s easier than stopping. Sorry, guys. 😬