The new me, Update

Making changes

To change some things up a bit I think weekly I am going to include some art work, by either me or someone else who has consented, and do a write up about it. I will continue to update everyone on my recovery but at the same time I want to use what I know and share it with everyone reading this. It’ll be fun and I’ll make use of what I know. I’ll be doing something with what I have learned instead of forgetting it.

I’ll try to do that starting next week but for now… I don’t leave you with much. Although, I have been feeling a bit down in the dumps about myself. 😕 I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I don’t feel that a lot of people in my life have come to terms with knowing that I have changed. 

I want people to treat me like I am normal until I give them a reason to show them that things aren’t the same.  I am asking everyone to be more flexible with me in terms of that. I want things to be normal but they simply aren’t. Physically, things aren’t too much different but mentally, I am very different. I don’t argue the same, I am very childlike in my responses and expectations. I am, as much as I have been fighting it, very much like a child. Part child and part adult. 

For now it is like this. It will change but for now, this is how it is whether I like it or not.

Today

Sick and snow… Miserable

I’ve got another cold…I just got over my cold from two weeks ago. Gotta love how things work out. So at the moment, I feel like shit. It’s a cold. Eh, not a big deal. At least I hope it’s a cold. My whole body hurt as of Thursday night. My muscles everywhere hurt. My throat is super hurtful, at the moment. It’s gonna take some time for it all to get better.  Until then… 

I wanna wish my besty, Jenn, a Happy Belated Birthday! We shall have a birthday drink when I get my ass down to Florida. I’ll have one too! to celebrate us being the same age lol 

Jenn and I have been friends since 2000. We met in 7th grade. Anyways, she brought to my attention that, Bahar (my name), means ‘spring’ in Turkish. Her birthday is March 20th which happens to be the first day of spring. Coincidence? Probably … But whatta coincidence! 

It snowed ALL DAY yesterday here in New York (-_-) I am not a happy person right now. 

This entry is nothing special. I hope you weren’t expecting much 😣

I would like to share a song that hits home for me. I kinda cried when I heard it. It’s by Pheobe Ryan and it’s called “Mine.” 

I wouldn’t mind hearing what you guys think this song means…

Hint: it is not about a boy… Enjoy! http://youtu.be/2fsdNJAzLuU

Funsies, Today

Happy Birthday, Mary.

I put this entry on hold so I can wish my friend, Mary, a happy birthday. Friday night, we (Stella, Nese, and I) went into the city for Mary’s birthday dinner. We went to Puglia in Little Italy. The food was delicious and we had a good time with good people. After our dinner, we headed to Lillies in Union Square. That bar is super elegant and a place where adults hang out after their reunion dinner with college friends.

I am having an issue with growing up shit. My friends are growing up. We aren’t the same. They all have jobs (minus me) and do adult things like go to grown up bars. 😀 I am wishing for too much…

Today is also my cousin Onur’s birthday. He is turninggg….I thinkkkkk 11? 😀 Happy birthday, Onur!  Today, he is celebrating his day of birth by bowling. We should have a good time. I hope I have a good time 😛

I feel even older when family members, that used to be babies, are growing up now. Ugh. (-_-)

Feelings

Hello March…

The first day of spring (aka Bahar) is almost here… If only it felt like spring here in New York 😒 

Let’s back track a bit… My name is Bahar. I am Turkish that is why my name is different (just case you didn’t notice). It is a word in the Turkish language and it is the word used for the season, spring. My father named me… I think. 😬

Anyways, I am gonna talk about how much I hate snow. The older I get, the more I want nothing to do with snow. When I was little, there was something I got out of it- potentially not going to school. That is a legitimate reason to want snow. Now, it doesn’t put a hold on everything. People still have to go to work. You still have to function regardless of the snow. Snow just makes normal activities a little more annoying. 

I, especially, hate snow now because then I’m limited even more. It’s too cold for me to move ie. Walk and I can’t drive so I have to depend on everyone else to drive, if they are up for it. It means I am stuck in the house and I hate it. It is the worst. I cannot wait for summer to roll around. Actually, I’ll be happy if the snow just melts…then it means it’s not cold enough for snow. 

I’ll take rain too. I don’t know how correct my statement is but I make myself feel better about the rain by saying that it isn’t cold enough for the rain to turn into snow. It works for me. Another reason to love the rain… 

Putting the weather aside a bit…I don’t feel like I got a hold on my life. Just when I feel like I’m in a good place I am reminded that I am not doing enough or missing something. I don’t know how to explain it really. The other day I cried because I found an old schedule I made for myself that I no longer use. Now, I know that I have come along way from that schedule but I still feel like I am not on track…I feel like I am not doing everything I want to or could be doing. 

I might have mentioned it before but I am looking at this accident as an opportunity to better myself. This is my chance to do things the way I only thought about doing. This is my opportunity to make changes and I feel like I am not doing well. 

I know this is a personal problem of mine. It doesn’t matter what anyone says to me. I have high standards for myself even if it doesn’t seem it. I am so much harder on myself than anyone knows or believes. 😕 I can’t undo that…

This shit is hard, guys. There is nothing wrong with me physically but I’ll take that it over this mentally messed up shit, any day. I get angry thinking aboth this. 😤so frustrating…