Hello March…

The first day of spring (aka Bahar) is almost here… If only it felt like spring here in New York 😒 

Let’s back track a bit… My name is Bahar. I am Turkish that is why my name is different (just case you didn’t notice). It is a word in the Turkish language and it is the word used for the season, spring. My father named me… I think. 😬

Anyways, I am gonna talk about how much I hate snow. The older I get, the more I want nothing to do with snow. When I was little, there was something I got out of it- potentially not going to school. That is a legitimate reason to want snow. Now, it doesn’t put a hold on everything. People still have to go to work. You still have to function regardless of the snow. Snow just makes normal activities a little more annoying. 

I, especially, hate snow now because then I’m limited even more. It’s too cold for me to move ie. Walk and I can’t drive so I have to depend on everyone else to drive, if they are up for it. It means I am stuck in the house and I hate it. It is the worst. I cannot wait for summer to roll around. Actually, I’ll be happy if the snow just melts…then it means it’s not cold enough for snow. 

I’ll take rain too. I don’t know how correct my statement is but I make myself feel better about the rain by saying that it isn’t cold enough for the rain to turn into snow. It works for me. Another reason to love the rain… 

Putting the weather aside a bit…I don’t feel like I got a hold on my life. Just when I feel like I’m in a good place I am reminded that I am not doing enough or missing something. I don’t know how to explain it really. The other day I cried because I found an old schedule I made for myself that I no longer use. Now, I know that I have come along way from that schedule but I still feel like I am not on track…I feel like I am not doing everything I want to or could be doing. 

I might have mentioned it before but I am looking at this accident as an opportunity to better myself. This is my chance to do things the way I only thought about doing. This is my opportunity to make changes and I feel like I am not doing well. 

I know this is a personal problem of mine. It doesn’t matter what anyone says to me. I have high standards for myself even if it doesn’t seem it. I am so much harder on myself than anyone knows or believes. 😕 I can’t undo that…

This shit is hard, guys. There is nothing wrong with me physically but I’ll take that it over this mentally messed up shit, any day. I get angry thinking aboth this. 😤so frustrating…


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