TBI beginnings

Another week has gone by…

I have a new psychologist. Dr. Shultz? I am not sure of her name just yet as I just met her on Thursday. Dr. Pierce, either quit working at the clinic or she got fired. Either way, Dr. Pierce is not working at the clinic and I got another psychologist.

I have to start over and my first session with her was a good one. I think it went well. I will meet her every Thursday. She said we can meet for about 45 minutes to an hour. Before my sessions were 30 minutes… (-_-)

I had to wait to be placed with another psychologist and that took about a month. This passed month has been rough. I wasn’t having patience with everyone. I would get easily irritated and get into a fight/argument with whomever I was talking to.

Just talking to someone about anything, someone who isn’t friends or family, was and is making my life easier. I look forward to it. If I have a problem during the week with anyone or myself, I write it down and bring it with me to my session.

I think everyone should see a psychologist. You’ll feel better.

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clear the air, Feelings, Update

Here it goes

I don’t know if I am repeating myself or not, I apologize in advance, but I am tried of being told what to do when it comes to my recovery and how I should go about it. I am really tired of it.

I don’t appreciate it. There is a fine line between a friendly suggestion and being told something as if it was a sure thing. I hope I am making some sense. I am okay with this scenario: “Hey, Bahar.  Give this exercise a try, maybe it’ll help.”

This scenario, however, does not: “Hey Bahar. You should do this. This is better than that.”

(-_-)

Are you sure about that?

I have never been the person to do something simply because she is told she has to. I mean if you have the PhD or MD, sure, you’ll have a say that will be considered. Otherwise, please don’t tell me I have to do my recovery a certain way as if that is the truth.

I mean this is just my frustration speaking. I know friends and family have good intentions but I don’t like being told that this is how I should proceed.

I’ll take suggestions. I’ll take it.

Whenever I write something like this, about something that bothers me, I feel like I don’t make sense. I also feel ungrateful, and selfish. Whatever is going on with me…whatever this is, I don’t know what it is. I know everyone means well but I can’t keep reminding myself that so and so means well. I shouldn’t have to…If you mean well, maybe you should tell me you mean well in another way… I clearly don’t get it.

My psychologist isn’t working at the clinic I’ve been going to, so, I haven’t been seeing someone for two weeks now. Whenever I had an issue during the week before I saw my therapist I would write it down so I knew what I wanted to tell her. For two weeks I haven’t done that and I am miserable. I am miserable that I haven’t had an outlet… The clinic I have been going to gave me another therapist to see and I see him/her on Thursdays. I start with this new person next week.

The new me

I had a brain fart…

Writing an entry for this week completely slipped my mind. I remembered now. I have a reminder set in my phone but I clicked out of it and that was the end of the reminder…

I wanted to let you guys know that on Monday, I made a meal for myself. My mom was taking a nap on the couch. I woke up at 3:30pm because I couldn’t sleep the night before. 

So, I woke up hungry for breakfast. I figured if I didn’t wake my mother up, I was successful. I ended up making myself eggs, toast, turkey bacon, hash browns and some chocolate milk.

After I made it and plated my food. I sat down. I looked at my food and I started crying. I couldn’t stop. I cried for like 15 minutes looking at what I created. When I finally started eating, I was eating cold food but I was still crying. I cried my food cold (-_-)

I could only imagine how I looked. I wasn’t sad. I was happy, really happy, that I was able to prepare a meal for myself. I shed happy tears. I mean, I had to take my time and plan ahead just a little. I had to make sure I had what I needed out and at my disposal. I had to take my time. I can’t “just make food” but I DID IT! 😀

Feelings

Positive???

I know I need to be positive and have a good outlook on everything. Sometimes though, I have days that I cannot be positive. I am still human. I still have emotions. I still have negative thoughts. I am not a robot. I cannot be programmed to be happy and in a good mood at all times. 

I know I am getting better. I know it’s going to take time. I know being positive is something I need to be to get better but I can’t do it all the time. It’s exhausting. I am living whatever this is. It’s really tiring. Sometimes I just need to be alone. Sometimes I don’t want to talk about it. 

I know everyone is trying to be nice and make whatever I have wrong with me not a bad thing. But I am living this and sometimes I am not sugar coating what is going on with me. That does not mean I am not positive. That means I am seeing what’s wrong the way it is. I’m not pretending that all this stuff isn’t happening. Just because I am stating the realities of some things does not mean I am not positive about my recovery. 

I am positive about it. I know it’ll get better. That doesn’t mean I have to ignore my reality. I really dislike the word ‘positive.’ 

If you haven’t sensed it, I am not in a good mood writing this at the moment. I don’t know if all this make sense to everyone. 😕

Today

I am trying

I have been trying to get my shit together. I’ve been saying, ‘I need to do this’ and I haven’t gotten far. 

I told everyone reading this that I’d do more artsy stuff and I haven’t. Again, I have to get my shit together and make it happen. 

But at the same time it’s a good thing because this means I am busy and doing other things other than sitting at home. So I’m in this bind. It’s a good thing and a bad thing. 

I’m trying to figure all this out though. Trying to balance everything out. It’s really frighten hard. No one stops to think about how hard everything is and how much work actually went into something stupid. I dunno. 

A lot of work went into you doing something ‘simple’ and you don’t even know it. Right now, it’s easy because you’re programmed but once upon a time, when you were a child, it wasn’t easy. 

I get why children get frustrated. They don’t have the words to adequately explain what they are feeling. They can’t physically do everything like jump. They wanna be independent but they have limits. I get it. It’s gotta be really hard. We don’t give kids more credit. That shit is so hard. 

As a child, though, you have all those years to learn and grow. I’m 27. I’ve already grown. I almost have to speed everything up and learn walking, reasoning, and talking in like a few years. 

That’s what happens when you’ve been reset. 😳