clear the air, The new me

…So little time

This passed weekend I went to my first college alumni weekend. 5 years have gone by since I graduated. It feels like I was in Scranton yesterday… well, I mean I was there last weekend lol but you get what I’m saying. So many things have happened since…

What happened in the last 5 years, you ask? I’ll tell you…

We moved into the apartment, we’re in now, from my aunt’s house. I got a car. I attended Long Island University to get my master’s in Clinical Art Therapy. I purchased a car. A white Chevy Cruze LTZ with leather seats…I loved that thing. I didn’t want a white car but that was the only color they had on the lot and I wasn’t willing to wait. (>_<)  I graduated from LIU with my master’s. I took the art therapy licensing exam required to work in this state as an art therapist. I failed by 3 points. I was working at a small publishing company.  I got into a car accident with my sister on my 25th birthday as we were on our way to work at the small publishing company.

In that 5 years, A LOT has happened. Good and bad. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Those 5 years feel like yesterday but so much has changed. So manyy things happened…I don’t have enough words to describe what I am feeling but I do know, I wouldn’t be who I am if these things didn’t occur.

The accident was the worse thing to happen in that group but you know what? I can’t be miserable about it. What happened, happened. I can’t change it. Sometimes it’s hard to be in a good mood all the time. Cut me some slack. I do know that I have things to look forward to. I can’t make my new life miserable and wishing it didn’t happen. It does happen though. I do have those days and nights…after all I am human.

I had one of those nights the other night. I was just over everything and was upset that things aren’t normal. I was told, over the weekend, that I was normal two years ago. (-_-) I was normal two years ago. Let me remind everyone reading this that two years ago, I got into an accident with my sister on our way to work at a publishing company. Because of that accident, I will always have this TBI there. That TBI doesn’t just go away despite what friends and family think. It isn’t something that heals like a broken bone. It’s going to take years.

If you plan on dealing with a normal human being, find me in like 10 years. Then maybe, just maybe things will be normal. My life isn’t what is used to be and isn’t going to be what everyone considers normal. I am going to get better but I am not going to be 100%. I feel that everyone expects me to be 100% but I can’t be and won’t be. There isn’t enough time for that to happen.

Don’t expect it because you won’t be getting it any time soon.

clear the air, Funsies, Update

I can show you mine…

I haven’t been good on my word. I have said that I would try to work on some art and share it with everyone. I haven’t but I’ll start now. I’ll share some of the basic stuff I have been working on.

I don’t want you all to expect something great. I can look at an image and replicate it or use it as a reference and turn it into what is ‘me.’

I’ve been doing mandalas here. Those are easy because I have a finite area to work with which helps.

I can’t get my brain to function normally when I’m explaining something, do you really think I will be able to get it under control when I am trying to think of something to draw? I don’t think so…

I remember a conversation last summer and my friend, Terence and a neighbor, Tom, they both said something along the lines of how you’re not an artist if you are looking at someone else’s work. If it’s not something original, you shouldn’t call yourself an artist and you aren’t good. I don’t call myself an artist but I wouldn’t say I’m bad at what I do. I didn’t say much during that talk, but I remember thinking how it wasn’t fair.

I don’t think that is fair to anyone. I don’t call myself an artist. I never did because I simply never thought I was good enough. I am capable but I don’t believe it is anything to compare. I could be wrong. I have come up with my own stuff before. I have but now? I can’t come up with something on my own. A big sheet of white paper is very intimidating. It’s a lot of space. I can handle little doodles on my own but I still need something to look at for help. I am working on trying to come up with something on my own. I am trying to figure out who I am when it comes to making something come to life.

Here are some doodles and mandalas that I have created…I’ll share some of the older mandalas and other things that I have copied from other pictures some other time…

I’m trying something new. I am trying this dot thing to create pictures.^^That is my first attempt. It took me like three months to complete it because I’d just forgot about it.

  ^^That is the most recent. I have been working on it on and off this passed week. I’m slowly trying to create items? using the dots. It is very hard to do.

These below are doodles/pictures I’ve done…

  I looked at another image to give me a general idea for this one.

This is my Chibi. He looks rusty and looks like he’s got cobwebs. That did not happen on purpose. It’s saying, “you need work. You’ve been out of commission for a while.”

I am going to my first 5 year University of Scranton reunion this weekend. 5 years. Woof. Should be fun!

clear the air, Feelings

Let’s get this straight

I do not like being told what I am feeling when I know what I am feeling. I may have things wrong with me and I may not understand a lot but I know if I feel angry, sad, and annoyed.

I absolutely hate it. Do not tell me I’m angry. Do not tell me I’m annoyed. I’m really having an issue with it. I don’t have a lot figured out about myself but I do know what I am feeling. I am sure of that. I think I have that down. 

Ohhhh…That’s what you’re talking about…

I don’t portray how I feel, accurately.  That’s what you’re talking about. That I don’t have down. I know. I sound angrier than I feel. 

You should also know that I don’t have total control over how I sound. I get it and I won’t argue about it. 

However, I will not listen when you start telling me how I’m feeling. There is a fine line. You can tell me what I did wrong…I’ll be good.

I have no problem saying I made a mistake and apologizing. I have no qualms with admitting that I misunderstood you. No problems with that at all. 

Maybe you misunderstood me. Let’s work together to fix this. Let’s talk about whatever it is that you believe I did wrong. Don’t tell me what I did and not help me to fix it. I have no clue how to fix anything, otherwise I’d be fixed already. 

Either, help me to find a solution or stay outta my way. I got no time for you.