The new me

Who is she?

I have been struggling with this just as much as my family has.

They don’t know how I am going to respond or react to whatever is said to me. They don’t know if I am going to like the cake they just bought. They don’t know if I’m going to laugh or cry watching the movie. They don’t know how I am going to handle people or new situations. They don’t know if I’m going to lose my shit on someone because of what they said. They don’t know if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. They don’t know if I am going to be stubborn and hold things against people.

Hell. I don’t know.

I remember who this person used to be. I remember what she has done and the way she acted. I know what I was. I don’t know who I am now. I don’t know if the same things apply to me as they used to. I don’t know if I am going to lose my shit on someone. I don’t know if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I just don’t know. It is all up in the air. I am learning new things about me just like everyone else. I have the body of old Bahar and I have a similar brain yet it’s so different. There’s someone else’s brain in that skull of mine…

Lately, I get upset when I’m asked how I am in certain situations. I don’t know what I am capable of. I don’t know how certain scenarios will affect me. I don’t know what I will do or won’t do. We’ll both be surprised.

Hope you like surprises!

Feelings, Update

Better safe than sorry

Last week was 4th of July weekend. I started the weekend with pain on my sides or as it was called by the ER, flank pain. Then the pain turned in into a burning sensation that wasn’t going away.

I knew it wouldn’t be a problem but I was over thinking it. It wasn’t going away and I didn’t know what it was. It has never happened to me before.

My sister took me to the ER because it was late and my primary doctor called it a night by now. We got there around 8pm. We didn’t leave the hospital until 3am (-_-) It took so long. At one point me and Nese started being delirious. It was getting late and we were SO TIRED.

I regretted going but it’s better to know than not know. It turns out that I was having sorta symptoms for shingles. I had burning on both of my sides and usually for shingles its on one side. They did the necessary tests, I believe. They did a urine test and blood test. They took a chest Xray, I dunno what that was for but I went for it. As long as I didn’t have to have to have an MRI done, I was good. That came back clean. So there wasn’t something dire wrong.

I have an appointment to see my primary doctor next Tuesday. So we’ll see what she says…

I have been doing better with the control of my emotions but it isn’t perfect just yet. I have a way to go. I have come a long way though. Last year I was no where near where I am now.

Regardless of what anyone says to me, I am doing so much better. I am more likely to get into an argument with someone because I am better at expressing myself. It’s not that I am angrier…I’m able to vocalize what I am feeling. I have the words I didn’t have before.

Everyone handles me better when it’s good feelings I’m talking about but once I start talking about bad feelings… Things get uncomfortable for that person.

Either way, I am doing better. I am. 😬


Happy 4th of July!!

Hay, guys! I know I have been slacking off. I missed writing an entry last week. This week, I know, everyone is busy and has fireworks to catch. I will keep it simple today!


Please be careful this weekend. Enjoy your drinks, but don’t drive. Make sure you have a back up plan. Be good to your pets! They enjoy 4th of July as much as you but once those fireworks go off…it’s not so much fun anymore. Put sunblock on, guys! No need for skin cancer.

But most of all, just have a good time. Spend time with friends and family.

Have fun!!!

(See ya next week!)