Feelings

friends and family

I’m sorry for the strain this whole thing puts on you with my mood swings and confusion. I want you to know, it’s nothing I do on purpose.

I want this to be over more than you believe. I don’t like it. I don’t enjoy it. It isn’t something that’s going to be fixed in one day, month or year. Nobody knows. Doctors don’t know. I can’t promise anything.

Either you are going to be on my side, thru thick and thin, for my highs and lows or…you’re not.

Yes. ‘Marry’ me. Take me as I am or leave me. I can’t have it however you want it. Help me. Hold my hand. That’s what I need from everyone. I don’t need to be told ‘what‘ will work. I just need suggestions. I need people by my side.

Thank you if you are. Thank you if you aren’t.  Everthing is a lesson I can learn from.

Funsies, The new me, Update

(-_-)

I’ve gotten into arguments or fights with my mother, my sister, and friends. What happened, happened. I don’t feel remorse for what I said or did then. The people I got into a fight with, I don’t feel bad when I look back. It happened and I don’t feel like I did anything wrong.

That’s not who I was before my accident. I felt things. Too many…

I do apologize. I have apologized. I did so because I know I say things that are uncalled for and don’t realize how it might make the other person feel. I’ve stopped that recently because I don’t receive apologies in return. Whatever. I won’t either.

There is one person who does apologize and that is my sister.

…but the past few fights with my mother and sister, something has been happening. I feel guilty. I still don’t remember exactly what was said but I feel remorse.

I thought I was feeling before but I wasn’t. I was apologizing because I didn’t know. I think I was compensating for my lack of remorse by apologizing  without realizing it. Or maybe that is a form of feeling guilty or maybe I’m just a good person…lol I dunno.

I had a fight with my sister on Monday night. I felt shitty about it the next day. I feel guilty for fighting.

The next day I didn’t want to function. This happened before. I wanna stay in bed. I don’t want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. I simply don’t want to do anything. I want to be alone. I don’t know what that means just yet but I might have an idea but am refusing to acknowledge it for the time being…

This is new and I don’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know that my emotions were really affected like this. Well, I kinda knew but I didn’t think it was going this far. This explains why I haven’t been able to  cry watching movies during scenes I was known to cry at…I was a crier. I don’t know how I feel about all of this crap. Everything is so confusing!!!

I kinda liked the new emotionless person. (-_-)

Feelings

Everyone is human

I know everyone knows that I am in fact a human being but they seem to forget that I still have feelings/emotions. Just because I had this accident happen to me and I have all this stuff wrong with me doesn’t mean that I can handle whatever it is you’re going to say to me. I also say things that aren’t the nicest. I know that. I can be abrasive, mean, and a straight up bitch.

I see it as, if I don’t tell you what/how I am feeling, about whatever is being talked about, you won’t know. That goes along with this: you won’t know my leg hurts unless I tell you. I’m not the same person as before the accident. Yes, there are traces but I have to get to know who I am now and so do you. The only way we can start figuring this out is by me telling you what is going on. I have to because I don’t know. I can’t say ‘this is how it is’ because I don’t know if this is how it is. It’s going to take a long ass time. Either you can help me figure out what my new normal is or … just leave me alone.

I want everyone I interact with to tell me what is going on. No matter how mean. I can handle it despite what my family tells you. BUT I want things I can work on and make better. Tell me what I did wrong to you and give me suggestions on how to change it so I don’ t do it to someone else. Don’t talk down to me. I don’t want to me told what I am doing wrong just for the sake of being told I’m doing something wrong. Be productive. Don’t assume that I don’t know anything either. This whole thing is a disaster waiting to happen. The fine line can no longer be seen.

The only reason that’s a problem with family is because they don’t tell me the things I am doing wrong until it is going wrong. I don’t want to hear it then. I am just angry and not open for feedback. If it’s done when I am calm and asking for feedback, I’m open to it. In fact, I will do my best to understand and apologize if need be.

I can’t handle my emotions automatically better just because I was forced into this situation. In truth, I handle my emotions in a pretty shitty fashion, worse than you already do. :/ I have a higher chance of becoming depressed before you, so let’s watch it, eh? I don’t have it together…Thanks. My brain’s wiring and its chemical transfers aren’t the way they should be. If you think they are…you are mistaken, my friend.

The new me

Patience

If someone asked me, ‘how patient are you?’ I would tell them about how incredibly patient I am while providing examples.

One thing I’ve learned about myself since the accident is that I was not patient at all.

I have to be patient when it comes to my recovery. I want everything to happen like yesterday. I want to be better. I don’t wanna wait anymore.

With the physical stuff I can speed up. I have to put a bit more effort into it. I have to try harder to get it back but with an extra push I can get it working.

When it comes to this brain? When it comes to this brain it’s a bit different. I can’t  do more. I guess I can but I have to wait for it to work better. I have to wait for it to heal on its own time.

Maybe it is the same but I don’t know I feel as though more is out of my control when it comes to my brain.

If my head is tired, I’m done. I’ll be sleeping all day. I’m spent physically too, but if I’m physically spent, I’m good to go for another day.

The brain is the supreme ruler. Whatever it says, happens. If it’s tired, it’s tired.  There is nothing you can say or do to convince it otherwise. Lol …ultimately, I am okay with it. I don’t like waiting. I have to force myself to be patient with the process. I will be okay. I’ll be back.

She’ll take her time to heal. She’ll be ready when she is ready.