I have some things in common with a child…

I went to a friend’s wedding last night. It was a very pretty reception. I didn’t go to the ceremony because it was far and I didn’t have a ride that early in the day.

There was a little girl dancing. She had to be about 1. She was trying to move without falling and I was able to relate. I did attempt dancing last night and I found that it is easier to move and not move your feet (that is how this little girl was dancing). The movements are limited. Just bouncing up and down or moving side to side all without moving your feet. It is the easier option when it comes to dancing.

This action is super adorable when a child does it. I do not see this being a cute situation for a 27 year old…

A child has about, well say 18, 18 years until he/she is considered an adult. This child has 18 years to learn how to walk properly, how to walk with his/her adjustments, to be able to walk and talk at the same time, among other things that you don’t think about. That is 18 years to have complete control of all these things. Well say, 25 years to perfect.

I have to relearnย all of that 25 years worth of stuff in a handful of years. Well, time is given. Maybe I’m trying to speed up the process but let’s say I didn’t. It took me 25 years to learn all that I did when it comes to walking or thinking. Anything really.

Will it take another 25 years to relearn it all? Or because I was older than a child, it’ll take another 25 years on top of that? That is a long time and it sucks getting old. You don’t recover as fast as a child. Everything takes evenย longer when you are older.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I will not get better or I haven’t come a long way. I have. I have come a very long way and I will continue to get better. It is only up from here.

How long is all this going to take though? I am never going to be back to where I was. I will be close but by the time I get to 100% full functioning Bahar, I’ll be dead.

That is how those things work when you get older. Recovery takes longer.

Today, Update

illness ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

I got a cold or whatever this is and as a result, I feel like crap. My head hurts. My eyeballs hurt. My nose is stuffy or something along those lines. My throat is sore. Ya know. It’s absolutely not annoying. ๐Ÿ˜’

I’ve been thinking about how little thingsare different. It’s weird to see the change but it is a fantastic.

I’m not gonna lie, having some control over my emotions is because of the seizure medication. It ain’t all me… The doctor had to increase it. I am now on 150mg of Lamictal.

My medication had to be increased because I had two instances that was to be concerned about. I wrote the one down the other I didn’t because it was similar and I was seeing my doctor within the week, at the time.

This is what it was like:

I felt like I had so much caffeine. Like I went running and I had all this energy still left to burn. I  felt ‘twitchy,’ like everything was moving really fast . It was as if I was put on fast forward on the DVR. It was as if I was overly excited about something just didn’t know what. My heart was beating fast, as if it were gonna explode in my chest. My heart was on high. The muscles by my left shoulder was pulsing? I don’t know how to explain that really. This lasted for about 5 mins, at least I think.

It was weird. The second time this happened I was in bed and I knew to pay attention to what was going on. I cried after because I got scared. Because I’ve been on the medication for sometime now it kept the seizures at bay.

My medication has been increased and my Neurologist wants me to see a cardiologist to make sure it has nothing to do with my heart. That’s in October sometime. Until then…


I made this on the 27th. I made it crooked. ๐Ÿ˜” Eh, whatever. I don’t mind it.

Funsies, Today

It’s a new day in the neighborhood

I am so incredibly tired from last night. I woke up and I felt like I ran a mile for the night.

Last night, all I did was hang with my friends by the fire. Nothing too crazy. I had two drinks which wasn’t bad. We were in one place so two drinks was okay. I was drinking my Coronas very slowly.

I have to drink my alcoholic beverages verryyyy slowwllyy. I also should stay in one place I’m comfortable because there is an increased chance that I will fall. Being in a familiar, comfortable, and one place for more than an hour slows down the amount I am drinking and makes everyone’s lives easier.

So here we are. I am tired and need to get ready for the day/night for a wedding I will be attending.

Here is a mandala from last year. Time goes by so incredibly fast. Looking at what I have done thus far, I need to find a sharpener…

imageI found that I am not very creative with titles for my mandalas and have many with the same titles. I am not very original with words. I have also noticed that I put time and effort into my mandalas in the past. Now, I feel like I am not invested? and putting time in for them :/

It is pretty to look at. It’s simple much like my life then and now.


I missed last week…

Whoops. I completely forgot about this last week. It was Sunday by the time I remembered. I have alerts on my phone but I sometimes ignore it. This was one of those times. 

Oh right. That’s also why I forgot about my blog. I dropped my phone in the toilet…on accident. When I got out of therapy I really had to go to the bathroom. So I rushed in. I left my bag in the car and had only brought my phone, thinking ‘I’ll be fine without my bag.’ Wrong. I won’t be fine. Long story short, I put it in my back pocket and forgot it existed in my back pocket. 

The phone landed right into the bowl. Everything about me is so slow. This happened and instead of instant.y grabbing the phone out of the bowl, I just stared at it for a few seconds and laughed at myself. While I was laughing I remembered how I should probably take the phone out of the water. This few seconds was what ended the phones life. 

I did, however, have some hope because you simply never know. When I got home I took the phone apart and put it in rice. It stayed in the rice all night. 

The phone worked, just a touch screen part of the phone didn’t work. All my missed messages and notifications came through I just had no access to anything. 

I had an upgrade I my phone anyway so it did work out. My sister ended up getting the Galaxy s6 Edge and I took her iPhone. I couldn’t make a decision so I figured I have a year to make a decision when my sisters upgrade makes its way around.

So that is my phone saga ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Otherwise, everything seems to be going well. I’ve been good. 

Here’s a mandala that you can look at: 


This one is called ‘Tiny Love.’ This is more of a recent mandala. I did this in January of this year. I don’t remember having any emotion or memory with this mandala.

Mandalas are easy for me right now. Mine aren’t as pretty as the ones others create. Those are more intricate. 

I’ve been taught that mandalas are good for patients that are intimidated by art. This gives the patient a concentrated area that has its end. A piece of paper is pretty intense. It’s an open space that no one wants to tackle. Mandala takes care of that. 

I can’t handle a piece of paper. I don’t know what to do or how to do it. Drawing a circle eases the pain and gives me some structure. A million things go through my head and I don’t know how to stop. The circle slows me down and I don’t get overwhelmed. 

For the past 2 years, give or take, I’ve been trying to do a mandala a day or do one when I’m having a good or bad day. It’s been going well. 

I’ll try to share one every week and try to recall what was going on through my head.