Feelings, Update

Moods, feelings, and stuff

I don’t remember if I mentioned that my Lamictal was increased. I probably did but yes. My doctor increased my medication just in case I was having bigger seizures. He increased my medication to 150 mg. That is way more than I was taking before.

I want to remind you that Lamictal is both a seizure medication and mood stabilizer. SO, me losing my shit as decreased. I know I have to be on this for my seizures but it also doubles as a mood stabilizer so I’m having control of my emotions. This is a good thing, but I don’t want to rely on medication for emotions/mood.

I may ask to be switched to a medicine that is only for seizures and see how that goes. I see my doctor every 6 months so I’ve got time ’till then.

I have been noticing that I can let go of situations with ease. I bicker to myself and complain but I’m not fighting with my family. I have found that because I don’t yell and scream I fall back but I don’t get it out of my system. All my anger and frustration gets put to the side and I just want to be alone. This has happened a couple of times. I just sat there and cried. Oh, and I want to destroy things. Before my medication, things were walls and whatever is lying around (like my cell phone) Now, that ‘thing’ is my leg.

I don’t cut myself. I get this crazy feeling that I should but I hold back. My mind goes into hyper drive and nothing seems to work. Crying doesn’t and I know better. I punch my leg really hard (doesn’t hurt in the moment) and that gets me off the idea. I wasn’t getting the urge to do something like that before when I was yelling and screaming. It is a great thing to hold myself back from losing my shit and destroying the apartment but I’m afraid that because I’m not doing that I am gonna take it out on myself. No one can see how that could be a result of all this. I have no where to put my anger anymore. I would hit walls and I did hit my legs but I never got this urge that I am nowadays.

I am aware of what is going on. That is the difference I believe. I know better and that is my saving grace. I can think quicker than I did before. I am able to weigh my options now and whether or not it is worth my reactions. It gives me a few seconds.

If I do come off Lamictal, does that mean I go back to how I was before the meds? What if everything is undone and my brain didn’t learn anything to do that work without the medication? I dunno. This is probably not the case (lol). I’m being absurd. I know. I have nothing to do but over think stuff like this.

This is mostly a good thing. I know things won’t go back to the way it was before the medication. Maybe I am afraid. It’s not maybe I know I am. Ugh, whatever.

Update

Good afternoon.

My memory has been better 🙂 I still need some help but not as much or often. If I try hard enough sometimes, I’ll figure it out on my own. And of course having things written down help too. I have become self-reliant (some what) and using the things I have around me. I bring around a planner and a little notebook with me and I have my phone with me at all times. I have things around me at my disposal because I know I need it and why not? It helps me so I will bring it around even if it is a lot to lug around. My bag has to be big enough for these things but they do help so let a big bag be my problem.

I am remembering conversations I’ve had with people, which is so awesome. I don’t know if I can express how exciting this is. It is weird but awesome at the same time.

Oh, so, I am getting ‘hungry’ a lot more often now. Before I would eat because I would look at the time and say, ‘oh hey, I should eat.’ I still have to do that but every once in a while I feel straight up hungry. I do feel like I can eat everything but that isn’t the point. I feel hungry sometimes. That is awesome too. I don’t feel that often. SO that is a plus and I’ll take it.

IMG_6295It has been a while since I made this one. It is pretty to look at. Enjoy it with me. Please and thank you.

kbye.

Today

Theme

I went backwards a bit to see what my posts have been about. Not bad. I was getting worried that I was starting to repeat posts. I am repeating myself and noticed a theme for my posts. My theme seems to be ‘anger.’

I’m an angry individual, it seems. Most would agree with this…

My neurologist increased my Lamictal because I described how I was feeling one night and he didn’t want to chance it with the seizures.  Lamictal is not only for seizures. It’s also a mood stabilizer. It is given to patients diagnosed with Bipolar.

The medication was increased. The arguments have gotten less and have become more controlled. That is an odd way to talk about anger being controlled. It is. I am able to let things go a lot easier than before. I don’t get stuck. I close my eyes and breathe. I’m over it.

Oh, so I should be starting physical therapy soon. The insurance gives PT for 3 times a week for 15 weeks. Eh, it’s better than nothing.

Here’s a mandala for you to feast your eyes on. I get very proud of some and I can’t wait for the weekend to post them. So, you probably have seen this one already. 12063299_10205088326432896_5319671757500254869_nI’m proud of this 🙂

Today

…Sleep…

Normal people without brain damage, have trouble getting the sleep they need because they’re busy with life. After I came home from the hospital, I needed naps much like a baby. Every 2 hours of activity required a nap.

Then, it turned into me having trouble falling asleep because my mind starts going into hyper drive, which still happens. I’ll lie in bed and won’t fall asleep. It’ll take me like 2-4 hours and when I woke up in the morning with even 2 hours of sleep time, I won’t be traditionally tired throughout the day. I could still function normally and be okay.

Now, it’s a bit different. I don’t fall asleep right away unless my brain is tired and physically I’m tired. It is only then that I pass out.  I feel awful throughout the day if I didn’t get enough sleep. I slow down.

My doctor told me I have to get 12 hours of sleep a day and if I couldn’t for whatever reason, I needed to make it up with naps or the next day. The seizure thing requires me to get sleep. Who knew?

Can I stress how hard it is to get the sleep you’re supposed to get? It’s really hard. I am starting to do more things with friends and family and it is really hard to get the sleep in. I don’t know what to do with myself.

Right now, I am so tired but I can’t find the time because so much is going on! It’s hard to do the thing you are supposed to make sure you do. I don’t know how to balance anything yet. This is one of them. I’ll get it together…one day.