Moods, feelings, and stuff

I don’t remember if I mentioned that my Lamictal was increased. I probably did but yes. My doctor increased my medication just in case I was having bigger seizures. He increased my medication to 150 mg. That is way more than I was taking before.

I want to remind you that Lamictal is both a seizure medication and mood stabilizer. SO, me losing my shit as decreased. I know I have to be on this for my seizures but it also doubles as a mood stabilizer so I’m having control of my emotions. This is a good thing, but I don’t want to rely on medication for emotions/mood.

I may ask to be switched to a medicine that is only for seizures and see how that goes. I see my doctor every 6 months so I’ve got time ’till then.

I have been noticing that I can let go of situations with ease. I bicker to myself and complain but I’m not fighting with my family. I have found that because I don’t yell and scream I fall back but I don’t get it out of my system. All my anger and frustration gets put to the side and I just want to be alone. This has happened a couple of times. I just sat there and cried. Oh, and I want to destroy things. Before my medication, things were walls and whatever is lying around (like my cell phone) Now, that ‘thing’ is my leg.

I don’t cut myself. I get this crazy feeling that I should but I hold back. My mind goes into hyper drive and nothing seems to work. Crying doesn’t and I know better. I punch my leg really hard (doesn’t hurt in the moment) and that gets me off the idea. I wasn’t getting the urge to do something like that before when I was yelling and screaming. It is a great thing to hold myself back from losing my shit and destroying the apartment but I’m afraid that because I’m not doing that I am gonna take it out on myself. No one can see how that could be a result of all this. I have no where to put my anger anymore. I would hit walls and I did hit my legs but I never got this urge that I am nowadays.

I am aware of what is going on. That is the difference I believe. I know better and that is my saving grace. I can think quicker than I did before. I am able to weigh my options now and whether or not it is worth my reactions. It gives me a few seconds.

If I do come off Lamictal, does that mean I go back to how I was before the meds? What if everything is undone and my brain didn’t learn anything to do that work without the medication? I dunno. This is probably not the case (lol). I’m being absurd. I know. I have nothing to do but over think stuff like this.

This is mostly a good thing. I know things won’t go back to the way it was before the medication. Maybe I am afraid. It’s not maybe I know I am. Ugh, whatever.

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