Update

Accurate

If you have been keeping up with this blog or know me personally, give this Cracked article a read.
From what I have heard about my coma, since I don’t actively remember, this is give or take how it went down. This man put it together a bit better than I have. I didn’t simply fall but nothing happened to my body. I would have preferred the latter but alas, this is how the world works.
You could fall off the couch and mess up the brain. Damaging it is so simple, it’s scary. I would rather have my legs never working again than having my head all sorts of messed up. As long as my brain is untouched, I don’t care. Granted, if that happened instead, that would be the worst because I wouldn’t know the difference. Can’t win.
I do know, from everyone telling me, that I had to have my legs and arms tied because I would kick and I would try to rip off the stitches on my neck. I simply didn’t want it there. The faint line I have on my neck is there because I eventually succeeded but I wasn’t able to do damage. I didn’t like to sit still. I tired slithering out of the bed (which is my favorite moment). It took some time for me to talk or make a legitimate sound :/ The article mentions that this man lost two months. Yeah, two months of 2013, doesn’t exist. I dunno where it is. I didn’t have a ‘cage’ around my bed. My sister did not touch my brain.
I had lost a lot of weight and when I got out of the hospital I gained a decent amount. The hospital food was the best thing I had ever had. From what everyone says, I went nuts for it. I do vaguely remember it being delicious. There was some drink that I would have that just tasted amazing. I believe it was thickened apple juice (lol gross)
Walking was a bitch. It still is sometimes. My right foot wasn’t straight. That I remember. The foot was turned and pointing to the left. I had to train it to stay straight.
“…that’s another common symptom of traumatic brain injury: believing that you’re much better off than you really are. The brain-injured have pride, too.” This is correct. My way to finding this out was by attempting cart wheels in my living room when my mother left me alone for the first time. I learned quick that just because I can picture myself as doing something doesn’t mean I can in real life. As you can imagine, I did not succeed in the cartwheel department. I just rolled around on the ground. It was a joke.
Short term memory, you ask? This has gotten much better. I have posted about it before. It’s there. I just need help sometimes. I need cues. Words or a sentence cue and it all comes flooding back. Memory is doing well but it’s 100%.
This article is relatable. Not only for me but for friends and family that were around for a good chunk of it all.
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Feelings, Update

Is it too much?

I have been getting into fights at home and the recurring theme is: I expect too much from everyone. This whole ordeal is hard on them too.

Fair enough.

I know both worlds but when I say that or feel it, I feel selfish. However, to say I don’t know have an idea how anyone might feel or think is false. I do remember my old world, your world, but I have this new addition.

It’s unfair for me to expect family to understand or for me to say, “you could do more.” Others won’t be able to fully understand me unless they got injured themselves and I DO NOT want that to happen to anyone. Everyone’s hard times is hard because to them, in that moment, it is hard. That person does not know anything worse because they haven’t experienced it. You know there is worse in the world but that doesn’t make your situation any more or less. I don’t know if any of this works for you guys.

What I am trying to say at the end of all of this is, yes, I know the above to be true. My family can hear what I am saying and understand my words but they will never fully understand. I get that. I remember and if the roles were reversed, I do not see myself not getting frustrated or confused. I imagine it being incredibly hard. Expecting family members to be patient and strong, not even asking them, is rude on my part and is expecting too much from them. It may be hard but it is possible for change.

Granted, I was forced into these changes and in so many ways it is easier. On the contrary, this shit is no easier for me as it is for you to change. In fact, for family or friends to change is a conscious effort. To me, this means that you don’t want to put the effort in because it simply is too hard. 

That is the difference. I had no choice for this change. It happened, life moves on, and I have to go with the change to see my life through. Everyone else, has a choice. Change is hard. The choice to change is something you have to be willing to do.

I feel like I’m in this in between with this topic. I don’t know how to be okay with it. I go back and forth. Everyone’s experience that they know of is what’s real. Not everyone is empathetic. I can’t force empathy. I get that my family is having a hard time with how I am now and it isn’t easy. I know this but this other part in me is being selfish. They should  change. I changed they should too. They shouldn’t have the choice to back out. They shouldn’t have a choice in helping me emotionally. But then, the non-selfish side says, don’t be unfair. They didn’t ask for this just as much as you did.

I don’t know how to feel sometimes. I really don’t. Just when I think I got something figured out, I get reminded that I don’t have anything figured out. I wasn’t even close. I’ve always been the confident one that knew herself pretty damn well.

You know nothing, Jon Snow.

(btw, I can’t wait for that premiere this spring.)

I should show everyone my latest psychological review. It’s pretty interesting. Again, I’m sure there will be the judgmental group, thinking that I’m making it up or they simply don’t believe in psychology. Whatever. lol No one would say anything though, so there’s that. You’ll get that soon, folks. Keep it in your pants. Bye.

 

 

 

Update

Get my self together 

I’m forgetting what I’ve started. I started many things and I should see them to the end. 

I started this blog with the intention to keep everyone and anyone interested, informed. That was the idea. I can’t keep forgetting or putting it to the side. 

I have written previous posts about wanting to get back into my art or my clarinet. I get back into it… for a few days… then I stop. Same with the gym. I don’t want that to happen to this blog.

I’ve created some habits but I seem to be undoing what I created. It’s hard to get something going and so easy to end it. Kinda like your credit score. It’s so hard to bring it up and so easy to bring it down. 

It takes a special kind of person to keep going, even with simple stuff. It might be laziness or because you don’t have time…

But not having time? Do you really have no time or is it because your laziness is kicking in and you rather do something else like watch a new Netflix show? 

I’m guilty of it. That’s usually my excuse. A lot of people are. How does one become that person? The one that gets shit done? 

It’s something that I’m trying to figure out. It seems like I have to do things for me. Do things that better me. Keep up with the things I started and not bend. Keep my goals. Stick to the plan. Forget everyone else. Those that matter will understand and be there at the end. 

They will understand. Be productive. Check off the list you’ve created. When all is done, go have a drink. Be proud. You’ve  done everything you set out to do. 

I’m trying to make these changes. Small changes. Slowly. I’m not trying to change my life around in a day. Well, the good things take time, like with credit scores.

One push-up is more than no push-up. 

I have no reason why an attempt can’t be made. At least, if I can’t do whatever it is I set out to do, I can say I can’t and mean it. You know I can’t because I tried.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m trying to stick to my plans and goals for me. will stay home and read my book because that’s what I said to myself I’d do. 

I talk a lot with out getting to the point. I feel like this is what I’ve done here. 😁 Hope you had fun!