I have been getting into fights at home and the recurring theme is: I expect too much from everyone. This whole ordeal is hard on them too.
I know both worlds but when I say that or feel it, I feel selfish. However, to say I don’t know have an idea how anyone might feel or think is false. I do remember my old world, your world, but I have this new addition.
It’s unfair for me to expect family to understand or for me to say, “you could do more.” Others won’t be able to fully understand me unless they got injured themselves and I DO NOT want that to happen to anyone. Everyone’s hard times is hard because to them, in that moment, it is hard. That person does not know anything worse because they haven’t experienced it. You know there is worse in the world but that doesn’t make your situation any more or less. I don’t know if any of this works for you guys.
What I am trying to say at the end of all of this is, yes, I know the above to be true. My family can hear what I am saying and understand my words but they will never fully understand. I get that. I remember and if the roles were reversed, I do not see myself not getting frustrated or confused. I imagine it being incredibly hard. Expecting family members to be patient and strong, not even asking them, is rude on my part and is expecting too much from them. It may be hard but it is possible for change.
Granted, I was forced into these changes and in so many ways it is easier. On the contrary, this shit is no easier for me as it is for you to change. In fact, for family or friends to change is a conscious effort. To me, this means that you don’t want to put the effort in because it simply is too hard.
That is the difference. I had no choice for this change. It happened, life moves on, and I have to go with the change to see my life through. Everyone else, has a choice. Change is hard. The choice to change is something you have to be willing to do.
I feel like I’m in this in between with this topic. I don’t know how to be okay with it. I go back and forth. Everyone’s experience that they know of is what’s real. Not everyone is empathetic. I can’t force empathy. I get that my family is having a hard time with how I am now and it isn’t easy. I know this but this other part in me is being selfish. They should change. I changed they should too. They shouldn’t have the choice to back out. They shouldn’t have a choice in helping me emotionally. But then, the non-selfish side says, don’t be unfair. They didn’t ask for this just as much as you did.
I don’t know how to feel sometimes. I really don’t. Just when I think I got something figured out, I get reminded that I don’t have anything figured out. I wasn’t even close. I’ve always been the confident one that knew herself pretty damn well.
You know nothing, Jon Snow.
(btw, I can’t wait for that premiere this spring.)
I should show everyone my latest psychological review. It’s pretty interesting. Again, I’m sure there will be the judgmental group, thinking that I’m making it up or they simply don’t believe in psychology. Whatever. lol No one would say anything though, so there’s that. You’ll get that soon, folks. Keep it in your pants. Bye.