Update

Oops…

So…this was supposed to post yesterday. My bad. I didn’t schedule the post right…welp. 

I’m trying the Paleo diet. It seems like a way of life that I can do. It’s something I already do just have to cut out the dairy and sugar. Well, fine. It’s not only about that but you get it. 

I can’t say no. I can’t say to family or people I’m close to or hold dear. When they make something, I can’t say no. If they did something with me in mind, they did it for me. I can’t say no. 

This is more than a diet. I can’t say ‘no.’ 

When I was growing up, that’s what we were told. As long as it didn’t have pig in the meal, I shouldn’t make faces about my meal. I can’t say I won’t eat it even if it is God awful. This is how I am. 

I know, I know, I have to sometimes and I probably have done it. Idk. This conscious of mine has been relentless. I’m trying to be conscious 

I got upset today because of this. With myself. I couldn’t tell my mom I’m not eating bread and beef sausage. I ate it. I was frustrated. I failed. 

Well, not completely lol. According 

Tonight is the last time. I have to force myself to say ‘no.’ Tomorrow, I will make myself a shake and exercise the day away. 

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Funsies, Update

Progress!

Hey! I wanna share my excitement about this… I dunno if I have shared this before about my dancing days with MJ. I’ll quickly fill you in: I am dancing to the Michael Jackson Experience. This game like Just Dance. You the dancing game on Wii…

Well, I started that, dancing when I can, to be more active but also to get some dancing in. It forces me to find a way to stand and move without falling. Since I started, I have noticed somethings:

1- The moves I have trouble with the first time, I can pull it off a bit better the second time. Even if a week went by. I won’t even be thinking about it and I can do the combination. This is the greatest thing ever. To be making a movement without thinking twice about it? Of course, like many things in life, as soon as you start thinking about it you mess up. But that is a natural event 🙂

2- When an event mentioned above happens, I cry throughout the song/dance. I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to stop the song because when I stop it’ll be hard to get back into it.

3- I can dance through MJ’s Ghost. There are hard songs to dance to in the game. I can dance the song on Medium, the background dancers. I want to dance getting 5 stars more than once before moving to Hard, or dancing the main guy.

The goal is to dance better (obviously). When I say better, I mean in my present form. I want to be able to more a bit more freely in time for Joey’s wedding, but again I believe I wrote about this before. That is the goal and I am making strides, guys!

Feelings, Update

Rise & fall with every breath

As I write this, I am listening to music and I am enjoying it. I am having a good/relaxed day. I haven’t felt like this for a couple of weeks. The weather is awesome which is making things even better 🙂

I didn’t write an entry this Sunday. I wasn’t in the mood…I was just whatever. I dunno how many people read this, but I am sorry if you were, by any chance, looking forward to this.

I’m trying to become alright with change. Since the accident, it forced change on me without notice. I’m not okay when things have changed without me ready for it. This is life. Things change, people come and go. Change happens, good or bad.

Logically, I know this is how the way of the world works. Life moves forward. It doesn’t stay in its place. I can’t ask people to be ready for me to be ready. I can’t do that. It isn’t fair to them. This is something I have to work on.

I have to be okay with life moving forward but I’m not and I don’t know how to undo that. I am stuck where I was before the accident. I know everyone is going to say all the nice stuff about how I have been making progress and whatever. I know. But reality is, I am not okay. I am stuck. I don’t understand why everything has changed when I haven’t. Why has everything changed when I’m not ready? This is weird to explain…It’s an odd situation. I know everyone is where they’re supposed to be as well as I.

Time stood still. You can find me where you left me at the accident. I’ll catch up at some point in my life but for now, I have to keep reminding myself that this is how it’s supposed to be regardless of how I feel.

 

Update

I’m in a funk…

I don’t know what is going on with me. I’m trying to figure it out. I have appointments with the right doctors. Now, it’s a waiting game.

If I could graph my emotions, it would be constant. Nothing is up… things are slightly down because nothing is up and that’s scary. It doesn’t feel right. I kinda feel like I have no emotions and that freaks me out. As a result, I start crying. I don’t know what this means or what it is.

I get it. I get why individuals diagnosed with a mental illness don’t want to take their medications. I was alright on Lamictal when the dosage was low. I felt good. Things were brighter but now it’s kind of leveled off. I don’t know how to bring it back and as a result, I want my medication changed. This is too much of a stabilization. This may be convenient for others it isn’t so much for me. I don’t like the feeling. I don’t feel the same. I don’t feel me.

I get it. I do. It doesn’t feel good to be on medication that makes you feel like someone else. I literally feel like I am someone else. I don’t know who’s body this is. Emotionally, yes, things are where they perhaps should be but shit, I don’t feel good. You may be feeling good about how I am now but I don’t. I hate it.

I am looking forward to seeing my neurologist ASAP. I want to see what he says about going onto another seizure medication other than Lamictal. There are other factors that could be a problem but I don’t want to say that’s the reason until I’ve talked to my doctor. But as of now, I want a seizure medication that isn’t a mood stabilizer. That’s my request…

Today, Update

Learning

I don’t know who I am anymore. It is frustrating that when I think I know, I don’t. It is beyond frustrating. I am learning who I am once again.

I didn’t know this would be so hard. Especially, when you’re trying to cram in 25 years of work in like 5. It isn’t possible. We live in a world where we want everything to happen…now. Not 5 years from now. I’m kidding myself. 5 years is nothing. It comes and goes.

I feel like I need another 25 years to get to where I was. Maybe not 25 years, I got like 15 years functioning, can’t forget that. After all, I am not completely starting over.

I don’t have one area that I have to work on. No. It’s more a little bit of everything. It’s weird. Nothing that anyone notices. It’s only something I notice. I am at a point in my recovery that it’s the little things that I have to work on now.

Yes, I still have to work on my walking. But it’s more balance oriented. It involves coordination. It involves taking the steps I need with more control. Nothing that you pay attention to. I never did until this situation that I am in.

It’s weird. The next time you are walking down a set of stairs. Pay attention to where you put your hands and how you make the steps. That’s all. Just pay attention to the movements you are making and your ankles. These are little things you never thought about and is weird. Just actively taking note of it is tiring. You’ll notice all that is going on.

I have to think about all that plus more. I have to think about taking my next step, where my hands are going to be, I have to consciously slow myself down, I have to look ahead and see whether or not I can do whatever that is coming up next…There are so many processes going on in 1 minute. Nothing that you are actively thinking about, you just do.

People around me will notice that I don’t talk much when were walking around. I have been trying to more and more lately. I am trying to get used to multitasking. I tend to be behind of the group. Most of it is because I can’t walk and talk at the same time, all because I have other things that I am thinking about. My brain is already busy. Sorry.

I am learning to do these things. Learning is the biggest part of this whole process. I have to learn who I am and what I am capable of. What I thought I was, I may not be anymore. That’s what is frustrating, most of all.