Today, Update

Learning

I don’t know who I am anymore. It is frustrating that when I think I know, I don’t. It is beyond frustrating. I am learning who I am once again.

I didn’t know this would be so hard. Especially, when you’re trying to cram in 25 years of work in like 5. It isn’t possible. We live in a world where we want everything to happen…now. Not 5 years from now. I’m kidding myself. 5 years is nothing. It comes and goes.

I feel like I need another 25 years to get to where I was. Maybe not 25 years, I got like 15 years functioning, can’t forget that. After all, I am not completely starting over.

I don’t have one area that I have to work on. No. It’s more a little bit of everything. It’s weird. Nothing that anyone notices. It’s only something I notice. I am at a point in my recovery that it’s the little things that I have to work on now.

Yes, I still have to work on my walking. But it’s more balance oriented. It involves coordination. It involves taking the steps I need with more control. Nothing that you pay attention to. I never did until this situation that I am in.

It’s weird. The next time you are walking down a set of stairs. Pay attention to where you put your hands and how you make the steps. That’s all. Just pay attention to the movements you are making and your ankles. These are little things you never thought about and is weird. Just actively taking note of it is tiring. You’ll notice all that is going on.

I have to think about all that plus more. I have to think about taking my next step, where my hands are going to be, I have to consciously slow myself down, I have to look ahead and see whether or not I can do whatever that is coming up next…There are so many processes going on in 1 minute. Nothing that you are actively thinking about, you just do.

People around me will notice that I don’t talk much when were walking around. I have been trying to more and more lately. I am trying to get used to multitasking. I tend to be behind of the group. Most of it is because I can’t walk and talk at the same time, all because I have other things that I am thinking about. My brain is already busy. Sorry.

I am learning to do these things. Learning is the biggest part of this whole process. I have to learn who I am and what I am capable of. What I thought I was, I may not be anymore. That’s what is frustrating, most of all.

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