I’m in a funk…

I don’t know what is going on with me. I’m trying to figure it out. I have appointments with the right doctors. Now, it’s a waiting game.

If I could graph my emotions, it would be constant. Nothing is up… things are slightly down because nothing is up and that’s scary. It doesn’t feel right. I kinda feel like I have no emotions and that freaks me out. As a result, I start crying. I don’t know what this means or what it is.

I get it. I get why individuals diagnosed with a mental illness don’t want to take their medications. I was alright on Lamictal when the dosage was low. I felt good. Things were brighter but now it’s kind of leveled off. I don’t know how to bring it back and as a result, I want my medication changed. This is too much of a stabilization. This may be convenient for others it isn’t so much for me. I don’t like the feeling. I don’t feel the same. I don’t feel me.

I get it. I do. It doesn’t feel good to be on medication that makes you feel like someone else. I literally feel like I am someone else. I don’t know who’s body this is. Emotionally, yes, things are where they perhaps should be but shit, I don’t feel good. You may be feeling good about how I am now but I don’t. I hate it.

I am looking forward to seeing my neurologist ASAP. I want to see what he says about going onto another seizure medication other than Lamictal. There are other factors that could be a problem but I don’t want to say that’s the reason until I’ve talked to my doctor. But as of now, I want a seizure medication that isn’t a mood stabilizer. That’s my request…


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