Feelings, Update

Let’s go back

I’ve been trying to figure out what day works for me to post an entry. 

Friday was the day I started with and I made my way to Sunday. The thought was the weekend is at its end. I should be able to post an entry. 

Nope. I got that all wrong. 

I think I’m gonna go back to Friday’s. I have a weekend nowadays so Sunday’s don’t work for me like it could have before. 

Anyways, I was in the Florida last week. Visiting my best friend and her man. I wish I stayed longer. I miss hanging out and it’s a change from home. I like that from time to time. Wish they lived closer…

Otherwise, not much has been going on. I spent a week in Florida. Or 10 days to be exact. I have to find my motivation. I need to get things going for myself. 

I feel like I’ve lost my drive to do things. I know I can do it. But I don’t want to. I dunno what it is. I liked how things were last summer. Someone who got things done and wanted to do more. I’m at a point where I have to push myself to do whatever it is I’m supposed to do or said I’d do. 

It’s a struggle guys. I don’t understand myself. I don’t know what’s going on. 

Feelings, Today

… :/

Maybe everyone is right. Maybe I am being to hard on myself. Maybe I need to ease up. Maybe I have to give myself more credit than I do. Maybe I’m not seeing what I have accomplished.

I do have pride in seeing things objectively. I am an emotional person. A lot more than I need to be. So when I am objective… No one can tell me otherwise.

Guys. I am incredibly stubborn. Even more so after the accident. It gets the better of me. I do have the ability to say I am being stubborn. Even if it is a year later. Better late than never, right?

:/ I can probably do way more than I think I can. The other week I wrote about driving and how I probably can’t do what I see in my head. 

I’m being hard on myself. That cartwheel situation was a one time thing. It doesn’t always translate to not being able to do other things. Yes. I should be careful about whatever I wanna do. A reminder to proceed with caution. 

I may be able to drive just not the same way I did before. It may be different. No. It will be different.

Things are different. Everything will be different. But it doesn’t mean I can’t. It’ll just happen differently. 

Am I ready for different? 

Funsies

Driving

I do want to drive. I sure do. I don’t want to rely on everyone else. I wanna go somewhere when I want to. Not when someone else can…

How does anyone know how I will be? Who is gonna volunteer to sit in a car with me when I re-learn? Who’s going to trust me with their lives while I learn again?

My case isn’t like a teen learning how to drive. I know how to drive. I am like your 90 year old grandmother that still drives. No one will want me on the road. I’m too much of a liability.

I know how to start a car. I know where the gas and break pedals are. I know how to use everything. I do. Just because I can see myself doing it doesn’t mean I should…

I don’t know if I wrote another post about be doing a cart wheel in the middle of the living room when I was home alone one day. Well, if you had asked me if I could at that point, I would have told you I can. As far as I knew, I could do a cart wheel. I can see myself do it and I know where to put my hands and feet.

Yeah. About that. I could not. I rolled around on the floor. I did it a few times because I didn’t understand. Driving is the same. I see myself doing it all. I know it but can I?

I prolly shouldn’t attempt it. Not yet. I still stub my toe on edges of walls or couches, whatever. It isn’t the same as way as it happens to you. This is a regular occurrence. I hit the wall or door when I turn corners and my toes hurt all the time.
Can you imagine me driving? The thought of what could happen scares me. I don’t know how close or far I am to an object. With that, two things can happen:

  1. There will be so much space between me and the car in front of me that another car could probably fit in between.
  2. I’m riding in another car’s backseat.

There is no in between and even if there was, I can’t test it out. Driving is not a game and as we all found out, an accident can rock someone’s world upside down. I don’t want to be the reason for someone else’s trauma.

Feelings

Understand me

I have people in my life telling me that I’m the same person I was before the accident. My best friend told me that I am different but I am the same too.

I appreciated that response. It was honest and it wasn’t a response that was trying to make me feel better. It was a response that confirmed what I already knew about myself. It’s nice when that happens.

Confirmation isn’t a bad thing. I don’t feel worse about myself. I don’t want to commit suicide because you told me the truth of how I am now and how it used to be. It isn’t a bad thing. If I am different there is nothing wrong with that. Things in my life have changed. That is reality. I want to be told what I know is true or if it isn’t, old or new. Sometimes, I get confused and need help getting it all straightened out in my head.

I do, however, want to be acknowledged. I want my feelings and thoughts to be acknowledged. I want to be given the chance to have the emotion or whatever it is to myself. I want the person in front of me to give me the right away to have those emotions. I don’t want to be told I’m wrong. That is what I want in an acknowledgement. I’m having the reaction because of something you said. Let me have it and go from there.

I want to be heard. I want every emotion and thought to be mine. I don’t want to be told it’s wrong. I want those to be respected. I think majority of the time, I want confirmation when I’m unsure of myself. When I question the past with the present. I get like that. Not often but it happens on occasion.

Most arguments happen because one person is telling the other they’re wrong. Their feelings aren’t wrong. They just misunderstood you. Either way, no one is wrong when it comes to their feelings. That isn’t fair. Understand first, then explain yourself better but don’t tell them they’re wrong. They have those emotions for a reason.

I really don’t appreciate when I am told my feelings are wrong for being what they are. Acknowledge my emotions/feelings/reactions. Tell me you’re sorry and then explain what you tried to say… we’ll go from there.

Oh! and don’t apologize and follow it with “but.” Say you’re sorry for doing “blah, blah” and follow it with what you tried to explain. No “but.” That doesn’t mean you’re sorry.

I really hope you guys do get what my rambles are saying. I do try to make sense. It works in my head, dunno if it works typed out or written out.