Update

…and so it begins…

Remember I was talking about lowering my Lamictal? Yes, it happened. Today was the first day I took the lower dosage and I already got into an argument with my mother.

I think I’m depressed and this lower dosage is gonna let me let everything out. I do know that when I yell at someone or point out what they’re doing wrong, they’re gonna go into defense. And then I go into defense and so on.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for an individual to look into themselves and see what they’re doing. How the person across from them may be reacting to what was said by them?

I don’t know. The arguments and fights at home are going to increase, as they are already are starting. Yes, it is annoying for mom, dad, and sister but I wasn’t feeling good. I wasn’t happy. Everything was there and not dealt with. Not that fighting deals with anything but I felt better.

I now am going to go right back to forcing people to talk to me even if it is fighting. Well, back to real life…Now, I’m going to take half a pill twice a day. So, it’s always in my system. That’s what was being done with the 150mg.

It’s gonna be a fun roller coaster ride from in on out. Maybe I learned somethings while on the higher dose…Can I continue the things I learned? Can I control myself better? Or force myself to have control knowing that it is possible?

I think that I won’t right away? There is a learning curve right? Admitting you have a problem is the first step in recovery? I believe it is…It is hard to admit it. Once you admit it to others it becomes real.

Update

I’ve been good. Just good. 

I’ve been good. Thanks for asking. Lol 

Last weekend was a busy one. My good friend Joey got married. I was beyond happy for them. I don’t have any words to express the joy. I had an exceptionally good time… 

I had a good time but it was a bit ‘off.’ I got to see people I haven’t seen in a while. 

It wasn’t the same feeling of fun that I’m familiar with. I danced, talked, had laughs, cigars, and a few drinks. Things were good. 

My emotions were still at a standstill. I wasn’t overwhelmed with emotion. I usually cry from all the emotion I experience. I cry bc I can’t handle it. 

Now? I can push that down. I don’t have to cry. I don’t have to get angry. I don’t have to laugh. I don’t feel all of that at the pit of my stomach. I don’t feel it. 

I blame my medication. My doctor’s appointment with my neurologist is on Thrusday. I hope he’ll be able to give me a lower dose mood stabilizer and new seizure medication. 

I need 150mg for my seizures but not for my mood. I’m aware of this and I don’t like this stabilization. I’m not me. I don’t feel things like I used to. I react because that’s what I’m supposed to do. 

I get it. I get why people don’t take their medication in the psych world. The individuals that don’t believe they have anything wrong with them are aware that the medications are changing them and therefore don’t take them. 
The patients that see that something is wrong and they might hurt themselves, those are the ones that take their medication. 

I know I need a mood stabilizer. The current state I’m in does my family good. I don’t fight with them. They’re happier when I’m not having a tantrum. I, however, am not happier. 

‘The girl is no one.’

I wanna feel normal. I wanna express my fear, happiness, sadness, and anger. I don’t want to hold it down.

With all that, I do run the risk of being depressed. Oh wait, I already am. That’s for  another time. 

Update

To be or not to be…

I’ve been going back and forth in my brain. I don’t know if this should be an angry post or sad one.

Either way, I’m gonna get texts or phone calls, “Are you okay?”

Yes, that shit is annoying especially when you were no where to be found before hand. I’m trying to come to peace with that people straight up suck. Most people, I won’t say all, suck at being a friend of any sort. Now, I don’t have the appropriate statistical evidence to support my claim but I think it’s a fair generalization. Raise your hand if you disagree.

Well, good thing I can’t see you because if you do disagree, I’m gonna just say you probably suck.

I have those days…those days that are dumb. Today was a lame day. I should have just slept my day away :/

I’m alone at the apartment most of the day, esp if my mom is working the late shift. Even the days she has a normal work day, she’s so tired that she goes to bed early. Can’t blame her. Can’t blame anyone for not wanting to function after waking up early and spending their whole day at work.

…but…a little over a year ago, everyone was telling me that I’m asking for too much. That they worked all day and all they want to do is relax. I’m the opposite. I’ve been doing nothing and when there are people around other than my mom, I wanna spend time and do something. Right after my discharge, everyone wanted to do something. People were around. Mind you, I wasn’t asking anyone to come over, spend time with me, or go do something. These individuals did this on their own. That is awesome. I’m very thankful for thos…

I feel like I’m being ungrateful :/