I’ve been good. Thanks for asking. Lol
Last weekend was a busy one. My good friend Joey got married. I was beyond happy for them. I don’t have any words to express the joy. I had an exceptionally good time…
I had a good time but it was a bit ‘off.’ I got to see people I haven’t seen in a while.
It wasn’t the same feeling of fun that I’m familiar with. I danced, talked, had laughs, cigars, and a few drinks. Things were good.
My emotions were still at a standstill. I wasn’t overwhelmed with emotion. I usually cry from all the emotion I experience. I cry bc I can’t handle it.
Now? I can push that down. I don’t have to cry. I don’t have to get angry. I don’t have to laugh. I don’t feel all of that at the pit of my stomach. I don’t feel it.
I blame my medication. My doctor’s appointment with my neurologist is on Thrusday. I hope he’ll be able to give me a lower dose mood stabilizer and new seizure medication.
I need 150mg for my seizures but not for my mood. I’m aware of this and I don’t like this stabilization. I’m not me. I don’t feel things like I used to. I react because that’s what I’m supposed to do.
I get it. I get why people don’t take their medication in the psych world. The individuals that don’t believe they have anything wrong with them are aware that the medications are changing them and therefore don’t take them.
The patients that see that something is wrong and they might hurt themselves, those are the ones that take their medication.
I know I need a mood stabilizer. The current state I’m in does my family good. I don’t fight with them. They’re happier when I’m not having a tantrum. I, however, am not happier.
‘The girl is no one.’
I wanna feel normal. I wanna express my fear, happiness, sadness, and anger. I don’t want to hold it down.
With all that, I do run the risk of being depressed. Oh wait, I already am. That’s for another time.