Update

Paris, France

I will be going to France in January! I am beyond excited to go. I cannot wait! I’ve wanted to go there since 6th grade.

I remember making a paper T-shirt in 6th grade to introduce ourselves. We had to color and paste pictures of what we like and don’t like. You get it. I remember cutting a large picture of the Eiffel Tower and gluing it in the middle of the shirt. I was asked why and I remember saying that I wanted to go there. Also the moment I decided I wanted to learn French.

I get to go! There was a sale for Norwegian Air for 5 days in September. For a sale like this one, they have restrictions. It wasn’t just applicable to any country of your choice. It was whatever they had listed to the city/country that was listed. Either way, Paris was on there. We picked the days that were the least for there and back. It cost us less than $500.

Of course, this doesn’t give you the flexibility you’d like with times there and back. Being so cheap, they didn’t offer free luggage and meals. You had to pay for that separately. Choosing your seats also cost some extra. There are downsides of everything.

The flight times are late. Leaving here in the middle of the night plays in our favor. We’ll be tired and sleeping on our way to France. When we land, it’ll be in the afternoon or whatever, so we won’t be as tired (I hope). I dunno if that’s even right. The time change always messes with my head. We’ll find out when we get there if we made the right choice lol.

At this time, we’re thinking about Airbnb for our sleeping quarters for the week. It’ll be cool to live in France. Not really but you get it.

When it comes to what I want to see my brain goes NUTS! I wanna do everything and see everything! I wanna eat a lot of food. I wanna take tons of pictures (I’ll probably not take as many as I think I will). I am afraid of what everyone is saying tho. Everyone is quick to say that French people aren’t as nice as you would think. I get why they wouldn’t be a fan of Americans. Americans aren’t the most willing to adapt. We here like to think we’re the center of this world and forget that there are other people. We think that everyone should know English. This isn’t the case. You should at least attempt to speak the language…should you not? Doesn’t that show that you are willing to learn something and you are respectful? It’s an insult to just assume that the person in front of you knows your language when no one gives a shit about English when you’re in their country.

I dunno. I do try to think of situations from all sides. There is ALWAYS a reason for someone to feel what they’re feeling. This country, especially, has no empathy for anyone other than themselves. We do expect everyone else to have empathy… for us.

I’m going to France, whether they like me or not, I will love it. If they hate me because I’m Turkish or American, I will love it. I want to go there.

The Eiffel Tower, The Opera House, The Louvre, Notre-Dame, Versailles, DISNEY PARIS! I need to walk down Champs Elyssee’s, Arc de Triomphe…My goodness. I can’t wait. Oh, we are going in the dead of winter (probably why it’s as cheap as it was) depending on how cold it is there, maybe we won’t go to Disney? Ehhhh probably not… lol what was I thinking? I hope because of global warming it won’t be too cold that week. Then it can go back to the scheduled cold after we leave 😀

If you have been to Paris and have suggestions on where to go/stay, what to see, and what to eat… leave some feed back in the comments! I would love suggestions/recommendations/tips!

 

 

Update

Something’s gotta give…

… and I think that ‘something’ is me. I’m my own worst enemy. I am the one that’s too hard on myself. I set myself up for failure and get angry. In the end, I’m mad at myself but taking it out on everyone else around me. Like everybody else in the world, I like placing blame on others because it’s easier. Although, I must say I am trying to be self aware and pay attention when those moments do happen. I get tired and there are moments that slip through the cracks. Living this life of being aware of shit is so draining, it’s unreal. I do believe that most people don’t do this because of the energy it takes to be self aware. No one wants that in their life when they’re trying to live their lives.

I don’t give myself enough credit because of those standards I set up for myself. Everything I get frustrated at is my own doing sometimes. I wanna do EVERYTHING! I miss the freedom I had. I didn’t do everything but the option was there. Didn’t mean I was ever gonna do it but I could if I want to. Now, I dunno. I can do whatever I want but it isn’t the same.

I watched a video on Facebook of a man that has no arms or legs but he’s done it all. In the video he was talking to an audience and he went sky diving. Now, watching that makes me realize that I don’t have it bad as I make it out to be. I can do a lot of the things he can’t but he’s done them anyway. I can go sky diving. I can go to school for my PsyD. I can do it all. I may not have the money for a lot of it (money also dictates what you can and can’t do) but it doesn’t mean it’s not an option. I just may not do it as quickly as I could before my accident but the option is still there.

Anything is still possible. My options are still there. How I navigate through is what I have to change. I shouldn’t have reasons for something not to work out. I don’t need anyone. I have the freedom to do a lot on my own. I need to take advantage of course.

I need to lower the standards I have for myself. I am no longer the 24 year I used to be. I am this new woman with a different outlook on the world. I need to be open to change more than ever. I have to stop resisting the change that has been pushed on me. I have to just accept that my world is different. I have to make adjustments accordingly. Just because adjustments have to be made doesn’t mean I can’t do what I planned to do before. I have to make a detour and take the road less taken. It’s dark and scary. It’ll take me a hour longer but I’ll get there.

Update

Adult life

Being an adult. It isn’t easy as we thought it would be when we were young. As we get older, we want the old days back because it was easier and stress free. I understand why adults would say “enjoy being young.” It seriously doesn’t last long and before you know it, it’s gone.

I think I somewhat understand why our elders have trouble learning something new or don’t embrace the change. This change that I am talking about happens fast. Life goes forward. It doesn’t care if you’re ready for the change or not. Life moves with or without you. When that happens, you get stuck in the past. You don’t want to leave that. In some way, you’re trying to bring back those moments by talking about it, sharing it with your family. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t. People don’t feel the same thing as you do and it is hard. You don’t want to share anymore because no one ‘gets it.’  No one can relate to you which causes you to shut down.

It’s almost like your stuck in time. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally, you’re stuck in that time period.

This is nothing that anyone thinks about. I mean, why would you? I have time on my hands during the day and sometimes when I’m going to bed at night.  So much time that I find myself thinking about stuff that most people don’t. You’d say, “Bahar, why are you even bothering with that?” I have gotten those responses by close friends and family.

What got me thinking about this was the realization that I’m stuck in the past. I’m stuck in 2013. Time is moving forward. People are changing. Life is happening around me and I am not.

I am not ready for any of these changes with the world. Why didn’t anyone wait for me? That isn’t real life, I know it. I can’t ask anyone to stop their world for me. It isn’t fair and isn’t real life. I don’t understand why people have not included me when things have changed. I don’t understand why we don’t talk as much anymore. I don’t understand why we don’t hang out anymore. But I get it, I do.

People are supposed to embrace change and advance in their lives. All this is selfish in that I can’t expect everyone to stop their lives for me, as my sister has said to me on multiple occasions.

I dunno. I wasn’t done hanging out. I wasn’t done planning events together. I wasn’t ready for any of the changes. Granted, I was in the hospital for about 2 months. I didn’t miss much. You’re right, but that year I was physically here, but mentally? Was I? How involved was I? I barely knew what was going on around me at home.

I miss doing the things I used to do before the accident. Alone or with family and friends. I wasn’t ready to move on from that. I am still trying to bring those moments back because I miss it. I do but I can’t bring it back because none of the people I’m around are there anymore. Like the healthy adults they are, they have moved on with their lives. I haven’t and it is hard.

I am working on this. How does this relate to the beginning of this entry? I think I understand because I am shutting down like an elderly individual. No one can relate to me anymore. No one understands my memories and no one wants to ‘relive’ those moments because life has moved forward. I’m trying to bring those days back to life. I have been but it isn’t working and it as well, shouldn’t. I expect people to want to do the same things from the past. The point of life is to grow.

So, no one gets why I am stuck in the past. I was forced to move forward even though I wasn’t prepared. I feel that is what the elderly could be feeling. Some have the fortunate foundation to make them feel like they’re listened to. Which is amazing. Then there are those that don’t have that and get closed off. That isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s hard when someone is stuck in the past because you don’t know if they’re enjoying what is left of their life. I’m not saying life with my family is awful lol I have a good foundation, guys.

I feel like I have been stunted. It’s weird. I’m not saying I’m bitter. I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated with the way things turned out. I’m frustrated that life has moved forward when I was sleeping. I know this isn’t anyone’s fault. I have no one to blame. I can’t get mad at myself. I wanna say this is normal. I am human and I am capable to seeing that this isn’t the cause of anyone. I have to find a way to come to terms with it within myself. I have to otherwise, I might get lost.

Update

When I grow up

Happy Labor Day!! 

I feel like a 10 year old that is growing up super fast sometimes. Granted, this is not the same by any means. I am an adult. The numbers don’t lie but there are times that I feel like I am on this fast track.
Fast track when it comes to relearning some things. I don’t know how to explain it. This is one of them tho. I can’t tell a story or explain myself with the proper words but the older I get, the better I can do it. I suppose everyone does that but I dunno. All feels like is on fast forward. I have to catch up to everyone around me.

Every day I can do a little more. I gained the confidence as well. This is a slow process but it really isn’t. Nothing about all this recovery is slow. It is happening fast but it’s slow for me lol. I just want everything to be the same as before or better than before. BUT it takes effort. It takes a lot of work and sometimes I just want to lay around and watch a movie.

This weekend I was talking to a man and his girlfriend about having a brain injury. His story involved a snowboard hitting him in the head. He had a lesion on his brain but he never got it checked out by the doctor because he never thought it was a problem? I believe it was along those lines and when he looks back on his life since this accident, it all points back to that day. His injuries weren’t as bad as mine but the things he had trouble with and still does was very similar or exactly what I have going on.

Memory, our anxieties, seizures, not having the words to explain himself…It was a conversation I needed. What I got out of the conversation at the end was that I should try new things. I have to challenge myself despite having anxieties. Keep working on my independence. I may not be able to get it back 100% but it’s something. Being dependent though isn’t a bad thing sometimes but I need to try taking the bus. It will be hard but it isn’t impossible. I was also told that Zinc might help me with sleep.

I can’t wait to try that! Sleep is something I have always looked forward to. But it is hard to get there and once I get there it is easily messed up.

Anyway, after the long brain damage conversation on Saturday night, I may have a stronger urge to go back to school. I think I do want my PsyD. There isn’t a reason why I couldn’t do it. I wish I remembered his name. I remember his girlfriend’s name, Jennifer. He told me he finished his degree and it was difficult but it was different than studying before his injury. He had to find new ways to study that he wasn’t using before which helped him. I already know that I would have to record the lectures and transcribe them later which would reinforce the lectures.

I dunno. There are ways to do things. I have to just go for it. I can’t keep second guessing myself. It doesn’t do me any good. I have had people tell me this. It isn’t that I wasn’t listening. I heard everyone. I had to come to this realization on my own. I couldn’t throw myself in said situations before I was ready because a lot could have happened.

I wasn’t mentally prepared for things to go wrong. I am ready for things to go wrong. I’m okay with the possibility of things not going to plan.

This is all hard for others to understand. It’s hard to understand because they aren’t things that one thinks about or worries about. These are things I have to think about and worry about.

You don’t have to think about where your foot is going to land on a step before taking it. I have to and it is so tiring. I want to sleep. I need to rest.

Oh and I don’t understand why it is a problem that I sleep a lot or am tired all the time or need to rest. I simply don’t understand. I have always been a person about sleeping. I have always slept more than I needed to. My naps were everything. I don’t understand why the one time in my life I’m told I sleep too much when this is the time in my life that need sleep. 

Did you know that if you are diagnosed with seizures you need sleep? You are told that you need to be well rested so it doesn’t stress your brain and cause seizures? Did you know that that you need to be anxiety free? Oh. You didn’t. Yeah. Leave my sleep alone. This comes up because someone asked my mother why I was sleeping too much and my mother had to explain that I need sleep because of the seizures. Let me remind you, if it wasn’t on my medication and me attempting to have control over this, you would be shitting your pants when I drop to the floor and you literally can’t do anything other than watch.

Yeah. Leave me alone. No one can tell me what I should be doing and how I should be doing it. I will do it on my own terms. Thank you for trying to help but I’ll do what I want…Oh and what my neurologist and psychologist tell me. I don’t need anymore doctors. Thank you but no thank you. Sometimes what you’re telling me isn’t a suggestion. 

Ok. Bye.