When I grow up

Happy Labor Day!! 

I feel like a 10 year old that is growing up super fast sometimes. Granted, this is not the same by any means. I am an adult. The numbers don’t lie but there are times that I feel like I am on this fast track.
Fast track when it comes to relearning some things. I don’t know how to explain it. This is one of them tho. I can’t tell a story or explain myself with the proper words but the older I get, the better I can do it. I suppose everyone does that but I dunno. All feels like is on fast forward. I have to catch up to everyone around me.

Every day I can do a little more. I gained the confidence as well. This is a slow process but it really isn’t. Nothing about all this recovery is slow. It is happening fast but it’s slow for me lol. I just want everything to be the same as before or better than before. BUT it takes effort. It takes a lot of work and sometimes I just want to lay around and watch a movie.

This weekend I was talking to a man and his girlfriend about having a brain injury. His story involved a snowboard hitting him in the head. He had a lesion on his brain but he never got it checked out by the doctor because he never thought it was a problem? I believe it was along those lines and when he looks back on his life since this accident, it all points back to that day. His injuries weren’t as bad as mine but the things he had trouble with and still does was very similar or exactly what I have going on.

Memory, our anxieties, seizures, not having the words to explain himself…It was a conversation I needed. What I got out of the conversation at the end was that I should try new things. I have to challenge myself despite having anxieties. Keep working on my independence. I may not be able to get it back 100% but it’s something. Being dependent though isn’t a bad thing sometimes but I need to try taking the bus. It will be hard but it isn’t impossible. I was also told that Zinc might help me with sleep.

I can’t wait to try that! Sleep is something I have always looked forward to. But it is hard to get there and once I get there it is easily messed up.

Anyway, after the long brain damage conversation on Saturday night, I may have a stronger urge to go back to school. I think I do want my PsyD. There isn’t a reason why I couldn’t do it. I wish I remembered his name. I remember his girlfriend’s name, Jennifer. He told me he finished his degree and it was difficult but it was different than studying before his injury. He had to find new ways to study that he wasn’t using before which helped him. I already know that I would have to record the lectures and transcribe them later which would reinforce the lectures.

I dunno. There are ways to do things. I have to just go for it. I can’t keep second guessing myself. It doesn’t do me any good. I have had people tell me this. It isn’t that I wasn’t listening. I heard everyone. I had to come to this realization on my own. I couldn’t throw myself in said situations before I was ready because a lot could have happened.

I wasn’t mentally prepared for things to go wrong. I am ready for things to go wrong. I’m okay with the possibility of things not going to plan.

This is all hard for others to understand. It’s hard to understand because they aren’t things that one thinks about or worries about. These are things I have to think about and worry about.

You don’t have to think about where your foot is going to land on a step before taking it. I have to and it is so tiring. I want to sleep. I need to rest.

Oh and I don’t understand why it is a problem that I sleep a lot or am tired all the time or need to rest. I simply don’t understand. I have always been a person about sleeping. I have always slept more than I needed to. My naps were everything. I don’t understand why the one time in my life I’m told I sleep too much when this is the time in my life that need sleep. 

Did you know that if you are diagnosed with seizures you need sleep? You are told that you need to be well rested so it doesn’t stress your brain and cause seizures? Did you know that that you need to be anxiety free? Oh. You didn’t. Yeah. Leave my sleep alone. This comes up because someone asked my mother why I was sleeping too much and my mother had to explain that I need sleep because of the seizures. Let me remind you, if it wasn’t on my medication and me attempting to have control over this, you would be shitting your pants when I drop to the floor and you literally can’t do anything other than watch.

Yeah. Leave me alone. No one can tell me what I should be doing and how I should be doing it. I will do it on my own terms. Thank you for trying to help but I’ll do what I want…Oh and what my neurologist and psychologist tell me. I don’t need anymore doctors. Thank you but no thank you. Sometimes what you’re telling me isn’t a suggestion. 

Ok. Bye. 

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