Update

Adult life

Being an adult. It isn’t easy as we thought it would be when we were young. As we get older, we want the old days back because it was easier and stress free. I understand why adults would say “enjoy being young.” It seriously doesn’t last long and before you know it, it’s gone.

I think I somewhat understand why our elders have trouble learning something new or don’t embrace the change. This change that I am talking about happens fast. Life goes forward. It doesn’t care if you’re ready for the change or not. Life moves with or without you. When that happens, you get stuck in the past. You don’t want to leave that. In some way, you’re trying to bring back those moments by talking about it, sharing it with your family. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t. People don’t feel the same thing as you do and it is hard. You don’t want to share anymore because no one ‘gets it.’  No one can relate to you which causes you to shut down.

It’s almost like your stuck in time. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally, you’re stuck in that time period.

This is nothing that anyone thinks about. I mean, why would you? I have time on my hands during the day and sometimes when I’m going to bed at night.  So much time that I find myself thinking about stuff that most people don’t. You’d say, “Bahar, why are you even bothering with that?” I have gotten those responses by close friends and family.

What got me thinking about this was the realization that I’m stuck in the past. I’m stuck in 2013. Time is moving forward. People are changing. Life is happening around me and I am not.

I am not ready for any of these changes with the world. Why didn’t anyone wait for me? That isn’t real life, I know it. I can’t ask anyone to stop their world for me. It isn’t fair and isn’t real life. I don’t understand why people have not included me when things have changed. I don’t understand why we don’t talk as much anymore. I don’t understand why we don’t hang out anymore. But I get it, I do.

People are supposed to embrace change and advance in their lives. All this is selfish in that I can’t expect everyone to stop their lives for me, as my sister has said to me on multiple occasions.

I dunno. I wasn’t done hanging out. I wasn’t done planning events together. I wasn’t ready for any of the changes. Granted, I was in the hospital for about 2 months. I didn’t miss much. You’re right, but that year I was physically here, but mentally? Was I? How involved was I? I barely knew what was going on around me at home.

I miss doing the things I used to do before the accident. Alone or with family and friends. I wasn’t ready to move on from that. I am still trying to bring those moments back because I miss it. I do but I can’t bring it back because none of the people I’m around are there anymore. Like the healthy adults they are, they have moved on with their lives. I haven’t and it is hard.

I am working on this. How does this relate to the beginning of this entry? I think I understand because I am shutting down like an elderly individual. No one can relate to me anymore. No one understands my memories and no one wants to ‘relive’ those moments because life has moved forward. I’m trying to bring those days back to life. I have been but it isn’t working and it as well, shouldn’t. I expect people to want to do the same things from the past. The point of life is to grow.

So, no one gets why I am stuck in the past. I was forced to move forward even though I wasn’t prepared. I feel that is what the elderly could be feeling. Some have the fortunate foundation to make them feel like they’re listened to. Which is amazing. Then there are those that don’t have that and get closed off. That isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s hard when someone is stuck in the past because you don’t know if they’re enjoying what is left of their life. I’m not saying life with my family is awful lol I have a good foundation, guys.

I feel like I have been stunted. It’s weird. I’m not saying I’m bitter. I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated with the way things turned out. I’m frustrated that life has moved forward when I was sleeping. I know this isn’t anyone’s fault. I have no one to blame. I can’t get mad at myself. I wanna say this is normal. I am human and I am capable to seeing that this isn’t the cause of anyone. I have to find a way to come to terms with it within myself. I have to otherwise, I might get lost.

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