… and I think that ‘something’ is me. I’m my own worst enemy. I am the one that’s too hard on myself. I set myself up for failure and get angry. In the end, I’m mad at myself but taking it out on everyone else around me. Like everybody else in the world, I like placing blame on others because it’s easier. Although, I must say I am trying to be self aware and pay attention when those moments do happen. I get tired and there are moments that slip through the cracks. Living this life of being aware of shit is so draining, it’s unreal. I do believe that most people don’t do this because of the energy it takes to be self aware. No one wants that in their life when they’re trying to live their lives.
I don’t give myself enough credit because of those standards I set up for myself. Everything I get frustrated at is my own doing sometimes. I wanna do EVERYTHING! I miss the freedom I had. I didn’t do everything but the option was there. Didn’t mean I was ever gonna do it but I could if I want to. Now, I dunno. I can do whatever I want but it isn’t the same.
I watched a video on Facebook of a man that has no arms or legs but he’s done it all. In the video he was talking to an audience and he went sky diving. Now, watching that makes me realize that I don’t have it bad as I make it out to be. I can do a lot of the things he can’t but he’s done them anyway. I can go sky diving. I can go to school for my PsyD. I can do it all. I may not have the money for a lot of it (money also dictates what you can and can’t do) but it doesn’t mean it’s not an option. I just may not do it as quickly as I could before my accident but the option is still there.
Anything is still possible. My options are still there. How I navigate through is what I have to change. I shouldn’t have reasons for something not to work out. I don’t need anyone. I have the freedom to do a lot on my own. I need to take advantage of course.
I need to lower the standards I have for myself. I am no longer the 24 year I used to be. I am this new woman with a different outlook on the world. I need to be open to change more than ever. I have to stop resisting the change that has been pushed on me. I have to just accept that my world is different. I have to make adjustments accordingly. Just because adjustments have to be made doesn’t mean I can’t do what I planned to do before. I have to make a detour and take the road less taken. It’s dark and scary. It’ll take me a hour longer but I’ll get there.