Update

Halloween 2016

Happy Halloween, friends. It’s a bummer that it falls on a Monday and will fall during the week for the next handful of years. Every year, everyone has been saying it one way another, that Halloween isn’t what it used to be and it isn’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten older and that is just what happens when you get older but I dunno. When I was a kid even the adults were into it a bit more than nowadays. Right now as I write this, I am half dressed contemplating whether or not I should continue dressing up as EVE from WALL-E. Is it fun when you’re alone partaking in festivities even though you’re doing it by yourself? lol We’ll find out.

I have been feeling more alone than usual lately. My mom has been working nights so when she is home she’s tired and sleeping. My father is at work as well as my sister. Even on the weekends, nothing is going on. Maybe I’m expecting a lot. Maybe this is always how it was? I just forgot what it’s like working and being busy? I don’t know anymore. I really don’t. I am trying to figure shit out but damn, it’s hard.

A week ago, driving came up again. I’ve decided that I don’t like that conversation with anyone. I don’t want to hear about it at all. I got less shit for not driving when I didn’t have my license. No one told me I should practice, take lessons, have my parents teach me. None of that. No one rushed me into it. I did it when I did it. Why doesn’t that apply now? Why do I have to drive now when I have literally things wrong with me. The law tells me I can’t drive with what I have but I should make more effort to drive when I have shit wrong with me.

Friends and family, I think you need to accept that I have things wrong with me. I don’t know why everyone feels the need to make me feel better by telling me all the things I can do. No. The things you think I can do I probably can’t. I want everyone to know that I hold myself to high standards. In fact, I have a hard time accepting the fact I can’t do shit. I don’t need you to fuel my confidence with that. I can’t do a lot. It’s harder when I’m  encouraged to live in the real world. I’d appreciate it if that didn’t happen. Don’t rush it for me. I do it to myself enough.

Also, don’t be fooled with what you see. I look physically alright. I can do anything. You don’t understand why I’m not doing the normal things that you do. That’s because I can’t. I physically can do a lot. Mentally? Yeah fucking right. Don’t tell me I’m fine when we all know shit isn’t fine. I’ve written a post before about people giving me ‘suggestions.’ Majority of the time, you’re not giving me a suggestion. You’re telling me what I should do. You don’t know therefore you can’t give me suggestions. You can’t. You don’t know.

No. I’m not going to drive. The next time this comes up I will probably lose my shit and tell the individual that I’m not going to drive or tell them to give me their car.

No. I will not be working anytime soon. I can’t commit to work. I can’t tell someone I’ll be there X amount of days or hours. I can’t do it. One day of work, is a week of being tired. Let me tell you what occurred when my sister and I were making wedding favors for a friend. The two days after we had finished the favors, I had a seizure. I’m on medication so I don’t drop to the ground. I have focal seizures when my medication isn’t high enough (I have a neuro appointment in 2 weeks). As you’re reading this, I want you to see that I can’t handle stress. I can’t be overwhelmed. I can’t handle it as I have seizures when my medication isn’t high enough but also means I can’t handle stress…period. I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do with stress of any kind.

So, thank you for your ‘suggestions’ but I don’t need them. Give me a real suggestion and I’ll think about it. If you start your sentence with, ‘You should…’ I’m not going to listen to you. Oh, and don’t you dare make me feel like I’m not doing enough, either. You get tired working everyday, actually doing something with your day/time. I get tired thinking. Leave me alone with that crap. I can only imagine what you would be like if you were living in my shoes. You’d be really miserable. Don’t tell me I need to be more positive. NO I don’t. I’m tired of ‘being positive’ or having a damn smile on to make you feel better. This isn’t fun and games. Thank you for your ‘concern.’ I’ll be over here being positive.

…I can’t be pleasant all the time.

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Update

I’m sorry but…

Coming up with titles for these entries is hard lol I try to be creative and not to repeat any but damn. I can’t remember if I used it let alone if my entry is a repeat. Can’t win.

I’m always thinking about something. All day there’s something on my mind. We, of course, are not thinking of the same things. ‘We’ being “you and I” but thinking, none the less. I’ll lay down for bed and can’t turn my head off. For like 2 hours, I’ll lay in bed with my eyes shut going over all the things that have happened, what I want to do the next day or month, and I’ll write down any specific idea I get that I don’t want to forget. I hate it. It is absolutely annoying. It’s life for me now. I have to make the best of it right? One of those things I have been thinking about lately is that people are all talk. There are rare set of people that can handle what other’s are really thinking and feeling. Then there are the people that can tell you what they’re really feeling or thinking without remorse.

You get what I am trying to explain. Most of you reading say that you want this type of person in your life and perhaps how you want to be that person. You may be the person without the filter but you really aren’t the person that handles it from someone else.

It is hard. I’ll be the first person to tell you that. There are those that are good readers of people. They know when they’re lying. They know what the person in front of them is trying to say without saying it. I am referring to best friends, to family, to individuals that are close to you, in which case there would know them enough for all that to happen. I can’t read body language. I don’t know what anyone means. I don’t why understand ‘sugar coating’ something. I have become a person that only understands the ‘black and white.’ I say what’s on my mind and expect the same in return. I do say ‘sorry’ if it’s necessary.

When I tell the people around me to tell me exactly what you mean it’s hard. It’s hard fr them because no one is used to it. I understand that. But I really don’t get it like I once did. Tell me. If you believe I can’t handle what ever is going on then why’d you do it? That’s for another day…Just tell me. I may get upset or thrown off guard but yes, tell me. Eh, ultimately, I am human. I will have a reaction. Me asking for uncensorship doesn’t mean I will have no reaction.

If I do have a reaction, well, you know how I lay in bed thinking about everything? Yeah, those nights will be me thinking about my reaction. So, you may get an apology at like 4am 2 weeks later. That’s what I do. You may be over it but I won’t be.

This is one of my favorite topics (not really), apologies. An apology is being sorry for what you said to the other and how you made them feel. The End.

It gets under my skin when an apology after an argument or fight goes as follows:

“I’m sorry you got offended and upset over what I did or said but…”

That ‘but’ drives me insane. When that word is in the statement, I cannot accept the apology. I’m sorry. To me that means, ‘you’re sorry for what I did but there is a reason and that reason is really because of you.’ No. You’re not apologizing. You’re shifting blame back onto me disguised as an apology. Listen to me. Say you’re sorry. End that statement and now proceed to explain why you’re upset with me. I won’t listen to you if you didn’t listen and say you’re sorry for making me feel the way I feel.

My feelings aren’t made up. Neither are yours. I will not put effort anymore than I have if you are being inconsiderate to me. I have those feelings because of you and you have yours because of me. I am an adult. I’m aware of that. I am a considerate person. Much more than I let on but do not undersestimate me. Listen to me and I’ll listen to you. Relationships are give and take. This is reality.

OH! I will not just say ‘sorry’ for the sake of being sorry. Understand why you’re being sorry. If you don’t know why you’re being sorry there is no need for me to listen. I won’t say sorry to you until after I thought about it and there is a real need for it. Majority of the time there isn’t a need for it but I do it anyway. I tell this person “I’m sorry for making you angry” or “I’m sorry I told you to go ‘Fuck yourself’ .” I will be as specific as I can be.

I’m writing about this because I want to be the one to tell you that the next time you apologize to your friend, sister, brother, or husband/wife be sorry for what you did/said and how you made them feel. That feels more genuine. Say sorry but mean the sorry. If you have the word ‘but’ in the middle of your apology, there will be another fight and/or they will still be annoyed/mad at you.

Be responsible for your actions and words. There isn’t justification for how you made them feel. One thing I remember Professor Kerr told us in grad school in our Family Therapy class was that not all the blame is on one person in the relationship. One person might have 80% of the blame but the other 20% is from the other. This doesn’t apply to only families. This applies for friends too. And yes, it is possible for 100% for certain situations but for adults, it’s not often. If I upset you, don’t forget that you probably hurt me as well.

Look guys, I know these things don’t come naturally. Our default setting is to protect our Egos. Fair enough but sometimes you have to be the bigger person and put you tail between your legs. You’re Ego isn’t that sensitive. Let’s be real. You have control over what damages that Ego and most of the time, if someone else hurt your Ego, they did it on purpose anyway. That’s for another day.

Please, please, apologize to your person with your heart. Listen with you heart. Be understanding and always remember that they may have hurt you but you had to have as well. There are always two sides to every story. Say ‘sorry.’ Mean it. Fuck the ‘but.’ (lol that’s what she said…! 😀 )

Bye, guys! *I feel like I’m writing an essay at times*

Update

2013

A lot has happened in the past three years. A lot of highs and lows. It feels like there were a lot of ‘lows’ but the negative always outweighs the positive. Knowing that, I have had some pretty awesome highs. I thank everyone for those highs and I appreciate it more than you can imagine.

It is pretty impressive that I have kept up with this blog for 2 years. I do have some weeks that have been forgotten or late but still. I am still going for it and this proves to myself that I can keep up with something even if it isn’t that popular. I have a few fans which is great. Thank you for reading about my boring life and boring inner struggles 🙂

It feels amazing to click on the ‘stats’ section to see people have read my post for that day. Granted, I don’t get many a day but it is better than nothing. There was once that there were 127 readers in one day and that was on a post that occurred over a year ago. I have to thank my best friend, Jenn, and her promotion on her blog at the time, With Luck (www.withluckblog.com).

Either way, Thank you to everyone. I love you more than you can imagine.

Now, going back to regular programming…I wanna be real about myself and I have been refusing this. I wouldn’t talk about it but I have to. I tried to resist this as hard as I could. I have done so much to not bring this to the service but I’m tired of it. Denying it and pretending it isn’t happening isn’t helping me.

Depression is very real in my life. It isn’t what you might believe it to be. I never thought I’d be this person. I imagine depression to be different. This word is loosely used. No one really knows what it means. I can see a few people already rolling their eyes reading my post. That makes me sad because there is no other explanation for what is going on in my life.

This past month has been hard not in the traditional definition of ‘hard.’ Nothing in my life  is made difficult by someone else or situation. It is all within myself. I get offended by something someone said. I over think everything. (that isn’t an exaggeration). I can’t turn off constantly replaying something I said in my head. It isn’t even what I said, sometimes it’s what someone else said or the way they acted or the face they made. Majority of the time, what I thought was no where near what I thought was happening. I get upset because of some thing someone said when it has nothing to do with me, at all. The person I’m talking to could be talking about anything and somehow it relates to me (-_-).

I have become this person who isn’t confident and feels shitty talking to someone. I over analyze everything I do. ‘Did I say something wrong?’ ‘I can’t have a conversation. I forgot how to talk to people.’ ‘I can’t relate to another person anymore.’ ‘I have nothing worth talking about.’ ‘ They don’t want to know about my boring life or that I have all these things wrong with me.’ ^Those are things go through my head for real…

When I don’t get the things done on my calendar or my ‘To Do’ list, I feel like a failure (that isn’t the full extent of it). I have this list for myself but I don’t want to do anything. I have a lot that I wanna do and I know will make me feel good but…I don’t want to do it and I don’t want to be bothered by anyone.

I was thinking about it last night. I am so excited for Paris in January. I cannot wait to be there. Come the day I have to go to the airport, I won’t want to go. Doing things and not enjoying it is common.

I think my medication, Lamictal or Lamotrigine, was the catalyst for this. Of course I could be wrong but when I was taking 150mg of this, I was leveled, emotionally and mentally. I didn’t feel anything, didn’t enjoy anything, and I didn’t think anything about anything as a result. I never felt so emotionless in my life which if you know me that isn’t the person I am. It was the furthest thing from ‘me.’

Now, I get this impression that whatever was happening then has followed me to now. I don’t see my neurologist until November but in the mean time I am trying to figure all this out. Before the medication increase a year ago, I was in the best place I could be. I was happy and enjoyed what I was doing. I feel like I have this dark cloud following me. Kind of like Eeyore, he always has this could following him around. That’s what I feel like. I hate it. It is the worst feeling ever. Being on a low dose of Lamictal, even lower than 100mg, I never felt better. Much, much better than I do now.

I need to do things with my life. I need to do more. Maybe that will work? Maybe I need to work or go to school to feel productive with myself. That may be a start before messing with my medication again. That seems to be something I can do. I just have to make small changes before I feel like a failure and can’t do whatever it is I’m trying to do. I have been thinking a lot about going back to school again for my PsyD. I’m strongly considering it. I could just go right ahead and be the therapist I can be now, but I dunno, PsyD sounds pretty awesome. My Clinical Art therapy Degree would be great to have under my belt. Anything is possible at this point. Who says I can’t do it? I am the only one standing in my way, right? But for real, I need to feel better about myself.

This is the article that got me thinking about myself. There hasn’t been an article that has explained what I am feeling better than this done:

http://www.truthinsideofyou.org/15-things-you-need-to-know-about-people-who-have-concealed-depression/

Don’t read it thinking what I’m feeling is made up. You who you are. Don’t you dare think ‘I’m making this up. Everyone feels that way.’ If you do, Enlighten me on how to get out of this funk, especially if it’s something I haven’t tried. I want to also remind you that, I am more aware of emotions than you ever will be. So, go on tell me how to make this better…oh and Fuck you for believing that ‘depression and anxiety are fake.’

  • I’m sorry for mistakes (spelling, punctuation, and sentence structure) I didn’t edit this entry. (>.<)