A lot has happened in the past three years. A lot of highs and lows. It feels like there were a lot of ‘lows’ but the negative always outweighs the positive. Knowing that, I have had some pretty awesome highs. I thank everyone for those highs and I appreciate it more than you can imagine.
It is pretty impressive that I have kept up with this blog for 2 years. I do have some weeks that have been forgotten or late but still. I am still going for it and this proves to myself that I can keep up with something even if it isn’t that popular. I have a few fans which is great. Thank you for reading about my boring life and boring inner struggles 🙂
It feels amazing to click on the ‘stats’ section to see people have read my post for that day. Granted, I don’t get many a day but it is better than nothing. There was once that there were 127 readers in one day and that was on a post that occurred over a year ago. I have to thank my best friend, Jenn, and her promotion on her blog at the time, With Luck (www.withluckblog.com).
Either way, Thank you to everyone. I love you more than you can imagine.
Now, going back to regular programming…I wanna be real about myself and I have been refusing this. I wouldn’t talk about it but I have to. I tried to resist this as hard as I could. I have done so much to not bring this to the service but I’m tired of it. Denying it and pretending it isn’t happening isn’t helping me.
Depression is very real in my life. It isn’t what you might believe it to be. I never thought I’d be this person. I imagine depression to be different. This word is loosely used. No one really knows what it means. I can see a few people already rolling their eyes reading my post. That makes me sad because there is no other explanation for what is going on in my life.
This past month has been hard not in the traditional definition of ‘hard.’ Nothing in my life is made difficult by someone else or situation. It is all within myself. I get offended by something someone said. I over think everything. (that isn’t an exaggeration). I can’t turn off constantly replaying something I said in my head. It isn’t even what I said, sometimes it’s what someone else said or the way they acted or the face they made. Majority of the time, what I thought was no where near what I thought was happening. I get upset because of some thing someone said when it has nothing to do with me, at all. The person I’m talking to could be talking about anything and somehow it relates to me (-_-).
I have become this person who isn’t confident and feels shitty talking to someone. I over analyze everything I do. ‘Did I say something wrong?’ ‘I can’t have a conversation. I forgot how to talk to people.’ ‘I can’t relate to another person anymore.’ ‘I have nothing worth talking about.’ ‘ They don’t want to know about my boring life or that I have all these things wrong with me.’ ^Those are things go through my head for real…
When I don’t get the things done on my calendar or my ‘To Do’ list, I feel like a failure (that isn’t the full extent of it). I have this list for myself but I don’t want to do anything. I have a lot that I wanna do and I know will make me feel good but…I don’t want to do it and I don’t want to be bothered by anyone.
I was thinking about it last night. I am so excited for Paris in January. I cannot wait to be there. Come the day I have to go to the airport, I won’t want to go. Doing things and not enjoying it is common.
I think my medication, Lamictal or Lamotrigine, was the catalyst for this. Of course I could be wrong but when I was taking 150mg of this, I was leveled, emotionally and mentally. I didn’t feel anything, didn’t enjoy anything, and I didn’t think anything about anything as a result. I never felt so emotionless in my life which if you know me that isn’t the person I am. It was the furthest thing from ‘me.’
Now, I get this impression that whatever was happening then has followed me to now. I don’t see my neurologist until November but in the mean time I am trying to figure all this out. Before the medication increase a year ago, I was in the best place I could be. I was happy and enjoyed what I was doing. I feel like I have this dark cloud following me. Kind of like Eeyore, he always has this could following him around. That’s what I feel like. I hate it. It is the worst feeling ever. Being on a low dose of Lamictal, even lower than 100mg, I never felt better. Much, much better than I do now.
I need to do things with my life. I need to do more. Maybe that will work? Maybe I need to work or go to school to feel productive with myself. That may be a start before messing with my medication again. That seems to be something I can do. I just have to make small changes before I feel like a failure and can’t do whatever it is I’m trying to do. I have been thinking a lot about going back to school again for my PsyD. I’m strongly considering it. I could just go right ahead and be the therapist I can be now, but I dunno, PsyD sounds pretty awesome. My Clinical Art therapy Degree would be great to have under my belt. Anything is possible at this point. Who says I can’t do it? I am the only one standing in my way, right? But for real, I need to feel better about myself.
This is the article that got me thinking about myself. There hasn’t been an article that has explained what I am feeling better than this done:
Don’t read it thinking what I’m feeling is made up. You who you are. Don’t you dare think ‘I’m making this up. Everyone feels that way.’ If you do, Enlighten me on how to get out of this funk, especially if it’s something I haven’t tried. I want to also remind you that, I am more aware of emotions than you ever will be. So, go on tell me how to make this better…oh and Fuck you for believing that ‘depression and anxiety are fake.’
- I’m sorry for mistakes (spelling, punctuation, and sentence structure) I didn’t edit this entry. (>.<)