I’m sorry but…

Coming up with titles for these entries is hard lol I try to be creative and not to repeat any but damn. I can’t remember if I used it let alone if my entry is a repeat. Can’t win.

I’m always thinking about something. All day there’s something on my mind. We, of course, are not thinking of the same things. ‘We’ being “you and I” but thinking, none the less. I’ll lay down for bed and can’t turn my head off. For like 2 hours, I’ll lay in bed with my eyes shut going over all the things that have happened, what I want to do the next day or month, and I’ll write down any specific idea I get that I don’t want to forget. I hate it. It is absolutely annoying. It’s life for me now. I have to make the best of it right? One of those things I have been thinking about lately is that people are all talk. There are rare set of people that can handle what other’s are really thinking and feeling. Then there are the people that can tell you what they’re really feeling or thinking without remorse.

You get what I am trying to explain. Most of you reading say that you want this type of person in your life and perhaps how you want to be that person. You may be the person without the filter but you really aren’t the person that handles it from someone else.

It is hard. I’ll be the first person to tell you that. There are those that are good readers of people. They know when they’re lying. They know what the person in front of them is trying to say without saying it. I am referring to best friends, to family, to individuals that are close to you, in which case there would know them enough for all that to happen. I can’t read body language. I don’t know what anyone means. I don’t why understand ‘sugar coating’ something. I have become a person that only understands the ‘black and white.’ I say what’s on my mind and expect the same in return. I do say ‘sorry’ if it’s necessary.

When I tell the people around me to tell me exactly what you mean it’s hard. It’s hard fr them because no one is used to it. I understand that. But I really don’t get it like I once did. Tell me. If you believe I can’t handle what ever is going on then why’d you do it? That’s for another day…Just tell me. I may get upset or thrown off guard but yes, tell me. Eh, ultimately, I am human. I will have a reaction. Me asking for uncensorship doesn’t mean I will have no reaction.

If I do have a reaction, well, you know how I lay in bed thinking about everything? Yeah, those nights will be me thinking about my reaction. So, you may get an apology at like 4am 2 weeks later. That’s what I do. You may be over it but I won’t be.

This is one of my favorite topics (not really), apologies. An apology is being sorry for what you said to the other and how you made them feel. The End.

It gets under my skin when an apology after an argument or fight goes as follows:

“I’m sorry you got offended and upset over what I did or said but…”

That ‘but’ drives me insane. When that word is in the statement, I cannot accept the apology. I’m sorry. To me that means, ‘you’re sorry for what I did but there is a reason and that reason is really because of you.’ No. You’re not apologizing. You’re shifting blame back onto me disguised as an apology. Listen to me. Say you’re sorry. End that statement and now proceed to explain why you’re upset with me. I won’t listen to you if you didn’t listen and say you’re sorry for making me feel the way I feel.

My feelings aren’t made up. Neither are yours. I will not put effort anymore than I have if you are being inconsiderate to me. I have those feelings because of you and you have yours because of me. I am an adult. I’m aware of that. I am a considerate person. Much more than I let on but do not undersestimate me. Listen to me and I’ll listen to you. Relationships are give and take. This is reality.

OH! I will not just say ‘sorry’ for the sake of being sorry. Understand why you’re being sorry. If you don’t know why you’re being sorry there is no need for me to listen. I won’t say sorry to you until after I thought about it and there is a real need for it. Majority of the time there isn’t a need for it but I do it anyway. I tell this person “I’m sorry for making you angry” or “I’m sorry I told you to go ‘Fuck yourself’ .” I will be as specific as I can be.

I’m writing about this because I want to be the one to tell you that the next time you apologize to your friend, sister, brother, or husband/wife be sorry for what you did/said and how you made them feel. That feels more genuine. Say sorry but mean the sorry. If you have the word ‘but’ in the middle of your apology, there will be another fight and/or they will still be annoyed/mad at you.

Be responsible for your actions and words. There isn’t justification for how you made them feel. One thing I remember Professor Kerr told us in grad school in our Family Therapy class was that not all the blame is on one person in the relationship. One person might have 80% of the blame but the other 20% is from the other. This doesn’t apply to only families. This applies for friends too. And yes, it is possible for 100% for certain situations but for adults, it’s not often. If I upset you, don’t forget that you probably hurt me as well.

Look guys, I know these things don’t come naturally. Our default setting is to protect our Egos. Fair enough but sometimes you have to be the bigger person and put you tail between your legs. You’re Ego isn’t that sensitive. Let’s be real. You have control over what damages that Ego and most of the time, if someone else hurt your Ego, they did it on purpose anyway. That’s for another day.

Please, please, apologize to your person with your heart. Listen with you heart. Be understanding and always remember that they may have hurt you but you had to have as well. There are always two sides to every story. Say ‘sorry.’ Mean it. Fuck the ‘but.’ (lol that’s what she said…! 😀 )

Bye, guys! *I feel like I’m writing an essay at times*

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