Happy Halloween, friends. It’s a bummer that it falls on a Monday and will fall during the week for the next handful of years. Every year, everyone has been saying it one way another, that Halloween isn’t what it used to be and it isn’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten older and that is just what happens when you get older but I dunno. When I was a kid even the adults were into it a bit more than nowadays. Right now as I write this, I am half dressed contemplating whether or not I should continue dressing up as EVE from WALL-E. Is it fun when you’re alone partaking in festivities even though you’re doing it by yourself? lol We’ll find out.
I have been feeling more alone than usual lately. My mom has been working nights so when she is home she’s tired and sleeping. My father is at work as well as my sister. Even on the weekends, nothing is going on. Maybe I’m expecting a lot. Maybe this is always how it was? I just forgot what it’s like working and being busy? I don’t know anymore. I really don’t. I am trying to figure shit out but damn, it’s hard.
A week ago, driving came up again. I’ve decided that I don’t like that conversation with anyone. I don’t want to hear about it at all. I got less shit for not driving when I didn’t have my license. No one told me I should practice, take lessons, have my parents teach me. None of that. No one rushed me into it. I did it when I did it. Why doesn’t that apply now? Why do I have to drive now when I have literally things wrong with me. The law tells me I can’t drive with what I have but I should make more effort to drive when I have shit wrong with me.
Friends and family, I think you need to accept that I have things wrong with me. I don’t know why everyone feels the need to make me feel better by telling me all the things I can do. No. The things you think I can do I probably can’t. I want everyone to know that I hold myself to high standards. In fact, I have a hard time accepting the fact I can’t do shit. I don’t need you to fuel my confidence with that. I can’t do a lot. It’s harder when I’m encouraged to live in the real world. I’d appreciate it if that didn’t happen. Don’t rush it for me. I do it to myself enough.
Also, don’t be fooled with what you see. I look physically alright. I can do anything. You don’t understand why I’m not doing the normal things that you do. That’s because I can’t. I physically can do a lot. Mentally? Yeah fucking right. Don’t tell me I’m fine when we all know shit isn’t fine. I’ve written a post before about people giving me ‘suggestions.’ Majority of the time, you’re not giving me a suggestion. You’re telling me what I should do. You don’t know therefore you can’t give me suggestions. You can’t. You don’t know.
No. I’m not going to drive. The next time this comes up I will probably lose my shit and tell the individual that I’m not going to drive or tell them to give me their car.
No. I will not be working anytime soon. I can’t commit to work. I can’t tell someone I’ll be there X amount of days or hours. I can’t do it. One day of work, is a week of being tired. Let me tell you what occurred when my sister and I were making wedding favors for a friend. The two days after we had finished the favors, I had a seizure. I’m on medication so I don’t drop to the ground. I have focal seizures when my medication isn’t high enough (I have a neuro appointment in 2 weeks). As you’re reading this, I want you to see that I can’t handle stress. I can’t be overwhelmed. I can’t handle it as I have seizures when my medication isn’t high enough but also means I can’t handle stress…period. I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do with stress of any kind.
So, thank you for your ‘suggestions’ but I don’t need them. Give me a real suggestion and I’ll think about it. If you start your sentence with, ‘You should…’ I’m not going to listen to you. Oh, and don’t you dare make me feel like I’m not doing enough, either. You get tired working everyday, actually doing something with your day/time. I get tired thinking. Leave me alone with that crap. I can only imagine what you would be like if you were living in my shoes. You’d be really miserable. Don’t tell me I need to be more positive. NO I don’t. I’m tired of ‘being positive’ or having a damn smile on to make you feel better. This isn’t fun and games. Thank you for your ‘concern.’ I’ll be over here being positive.
…I can’t be pleasant all the time.