I’m lost

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to pick things up from where they left off. I don’t know how to go about anything. I know, I know, everyone is in the same boat. But not really.

Nah. We aren’t in the same boat. We’re in boats and we’re going in the same direction but it isn’t the same one. I dunno. Maybe I’m not lost after all. We’ll get to the same place but just taking different directions? This metaphor isn’t what it was in my head lol.

Theoretically, I can do so much but when I stop and really think about it, I can’t. There are so many factors that come into play that I forget sometimes. Forgetting though, doesn’t do me any favors. Yes, I can work to get over them but this is going to be a life long struggle. This is not going to happen over night. I want to work and perhaps go to school again. I can’t do either of them at the moment.

Right now, I’m in a place that I don’t have a name for. I know I can do whatever I set my mind to. I can do it. I am being pessimistic I suppose. That won’t do me any favors I believe. I am tired of being positive all the time. I am a bit defeated.

I’m defeated from the last episode of focal seizure activity I had. It became real. Things are okay tho when I have the proper dosage. I am seeing my neurologist in a week. So that will get settled in some way. But I dunno. I guess it scared me? It’s real. It’s there but I have medication to keep it at bay.

Maybe I can do all the things I want to do? I have to find ways to come to an understanding with myself. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to make things work. It takes so much energy and I don’t even get the result I want at that moment. It’s a trial and error life I live. I need a break. I want not to think about what I need to do. I want to not worry if I will be  emotionally ready for whatever comes my way.

At the moment, I can’t handle stress, excitement, sadness, or whatever in large amounts in a short amount of time. I miss enjoying my alone time. I really don’t know anymore. Going to school or work at this current state is a bad idea. Will I be okay? Will I enjoy it? I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know how tired I’ll be. I don’t know if my medication will always work. I don’t know if my medication is for me. I don’t know if I go to school, if I will be able to handle the workload. I don’t have the money to go to attend a school. I can’t see myself going to school for anything other than getting my PhD. I have these high standards for myself. I need to lower these standards. I do. I don’t know where to start.

I feel lost. No one knows what to suggest. I don’t know how to go about any of this. Maybe I should look more into volunteering and support groups. I need to give in, at the same time, that I need help. I need to put my tail between my legs and just get the support and help I need with this…whatever it is. :/



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