The weekend has come to an end. We have lived to see another day. How amazing is that? I think it’s a sweet victory that should be celebrated with a quick nap!
I’ve been going back and forth with my medication. It’s a love hate relationship we have. At this moment, I love it.
The 125mg of Lamictal or rather, Lamotrigine, is a nice compromise. Any more than this I don’t want it and hopefully I won’t need another increase. I have feelings like a normal human being. I can cry. I laugh and feel the joy that comes with it. I get angry or annoyed but can put that aside if I want to. I feel like I have a choice about what I want to feel. I don’t feel like a robot. I don’t feel like there is this black cloud following me around. I feel good.
I feel like I’m in a better place than I have been. I enjoy what I’m doing. I enjoy my alone time as well as doing something. I enjoy the people for being around. I feel. That’s all it is really. I’m happy to just feel. I feel loved and loving someone else. I feel sad or angry. I feel joy. I don’t know how else this can be explained to someone who hasn’t been on some kind of medication like that.
I get it. I understand why people don’t want to be on their bipolar medication or medication in general. Everything they know about themselves don’t exist. They don’t have the emotions that is them. They don’t feel anything. There is nothing called ’emotions.’ You become this robot and I can imagine how difficult it is to have someone in front of you not believeing a word you say about it. That’s when individuals stop taking their medication. All because they simply don’t feel like themselves.
My situation is nothing compared to many in hospitals or homes but it’s something. No matter how small it still gave me an idea of what it might feel on a bigger scale. Feeling as frustrated as I did I can only imagine what others may feel. It’s got to be incredibly frustrating. Especially when you can’t even explain to the person what’s going on. The frustration I feel just thinking about it is nothing to what others must feel.
There are different sides to every situation. Always. On a personal level it has to be insanely frustrating for all parties involved but I can understand the patients a bit better than before.