Guys. I don’t have goals anymore. I don’t know what I want or where I want to be in my life in 5 years. I don’t have expectations. 

Is that weird? Most people are going to think and say, ‘I don’t have expectations for myself either.’ ‘I live day by day…blah blah blah.’ I’d say that too. I have said it or thought it but I literally have no expectations or have this idea of what I would want to see in this life of mine. This doesn’t mean I’m not happy with it. I am. It is t it is and I can only make the best of it. It doesn’t help that I don’t know what my recovery holds for my future. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know what I can handle or can’t. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t know how I’ll react in situations. I don’t know what kind of a mind set or mood I’me in until I’m in it. Sometimes that doesn’t work well with who ever I with. It’s not pretty sometimes. But there are times that I am a total sweetheart. I don’t know what scenarios can happen. I simple don’t know who this person is. I have to relearn who she is and I don’t know how long that will take. I’ve written a post about it before I believe. I have to get acquainted with this new person in a short amount of time when it took me 25 years to get to where I was.

Another 25 years? That’s 50. Lol I’ll have my shit together when everyone is talking about retirement. It’s almost like a joke. 

I’ve been told that I haven’t changed and I’m the same person… Yes. I would like to be treated the same but there is so much that isn’t the same and I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t say ‘a,b, and c’ is me. I can’t anymore. More often than not what I think I am I’m not anymor. It’s hard to come to terms with that. Just because I’ve been thrusted into this new life does not mean I know how to cope with the changes that I have been blessed with. Most people can’t cope with everyday changes and I’m supposed to have it together because I have no choice in the matter but to change. 

It’s tiring and I don’t have time to have expectations or goals for myself because well I feel quite awful when I can’t do whatever I set out to do. 

My therapist would probably tell me I should; everyone would tell me that. I dunno. Maybe I do have them I don’t realize it. All I want is to be able to enjoy every situation I’m in. Maybe I just don’t hold myself to standards as I used to…my mind has been a mess lately. One day I got it together and the next day I’ve got nothing.

At this moment, not to sound cheesy or anything, I just want to be happy with the people I love and care about. I just want everyday to be easier than the previous one. I have things I strive for, I suppose. Which is the the same as a goal…? Then my goals change everyday. I want something different for my future everyday. That may be the reason hey I feel that way.

The new me, Today, Update

New year, new beginnings

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas and New year’s Eve/day! Two weeks have gone by and a lot happened already. Holidays have passed and a new year has made its way into our lives. Of course, I also hope Hanukkah was even better than the year before! 

I love all my friends and family; past, present, and future. I cannot express how much you mean to me. I’m sorry if I was bad at keeping up with you. Every now and again you do cross my mind. I do wish we still talked and kept in touch. You are the part of the reason I am the person I am today and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I might be out spoken and straightforward. I may be over bearing at times. I at times seem impossible. I’m sorry. 

One of my goals for this new year is to not let my stubbornness get the best of me. I’m gonna try and be less petty. I never thought I was but I am. I will wait years to tell you what you did wrong to me in similar situations you have with someone else. Lol I’m so petty it’s unreal at times. Either way, I’m working on making this change. It’s definitely gonna be a slow change. It’s unrealistic to give myself only a year for this change but the first step is the hardest. So, here I go. 

Being stubborn is something that only affects me. That’s what I’ve been told many times. No one notices what I’m doing. No one cares that much lol. Being stubborn affects no one but me. This needs to go. Again, not gonna happen over night but I have to start somewhere…right?

New year’s resolutions won’t happen over night. People seem to have high expectations of themselves… I sure do. Start with small changes. You will have off days. Give yourself some leeway but that doesn’t mean you give up. No. That means you must had a bump in the road. That’s all. 

I try to have this mind set for myself. I’m not gonna lie… It’s very hard. Changes don’t happen because we don’t want to put in the work it requires. It does take work. Sometimes I get tired of all the forced changes I have to make. It’s very hard. I get tired. I want a few days of not thinking. I don’t want to ‘work’ all the time so I have a few days for myself of doing nothing. It helps. It makes it easier to pick up where you left off and keep going. This doesn’t mean that failure took place but rather a break. A small break from whatever it is you were trying to change or do. Maybe a break is what you needed. Nothing wrong with that. 

Change is hard. I was forced into change but it doesn’t make it any easier either. Where all on the same path but in different vehicles. I’m getting there differently than everyone else. The changes that were forced on me come with its own issues. All these changes I wasn’t nearly ready for. I have to learn how to cope with it all. I have to make adjustments accordingly. What I thought I knew; doesn’t apply anymore.

None of it is easy. I’m just taking a different car. A rusty one. One that needs to be fixed along the way. I’ll meet you at the end but a bit later than you. No big deal. I’m okay with it. I’ll be okay if no one is there either. Life moves forward with or without you. Whether you like it or not. 

Your resolution may be to loose weight but don’t hold yourself to unrealistic expectations. Losing weight takes a good year. It’s a slow process but it will show itself. Give it time. This seems to be a common resolution that’s why I used it but it applies for any resolution you may have. I have faith in you. I know you can do it. It’s not only about resolutions either. It’s any promise you make yourself throughout the year. 

Remember: Change is difficult for EVERYONE. Start small and work your way up. It will happen. It’ll be slow and that’s okay. No one notices the mess ups as much as you do. Don’t hold yourself up to unrealistic expectations. Be good to yourself. 💕