Guys. I don’t have goals anymore. I don’t know what I want or where I want to be in my life in 5 years. I don’t have expectations.
Is that weird? Most people are going to think and say, ‘I don’t have expectations for myself either.’ ‘I live day by day…blah blah blah.’ I’d say that too. I have said it or thought it but I literally have no expectations or have this idea of what I would want to see in this life of mine. This doesn’t mean I’m not happy with it. I am. It is t it is and I can only make the best of it. It doesn’t help that I don’t know what my recovery holds for my future. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know what I can handle or can’t. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t know how I’ll react in situations. I don’t know what kind of a mind set or mood I’me in until I’m in it. Sometimes that doesn’t work well with who ever I with. It’s not pretty sometimes. But there are times that I am a total sweetheart. I don’t know what scenarios can happen. I simple don’t know who this person is. I have to relearn who she is and I don’t know how long that will take. I’ve written a post about it before I believe. I have to get acquainted with this new person in a short amount of time when it took me 25 years to get to where I was.
Another 25 years? That’s 50. Lol I’ll have my shit together when everyone is talking about retirement. It’s almost like a joke.
I’ve been told that I haven’t changed and I’m the same person… Yes. I would like to be treated the same but there is so much that isn’t the same and I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t say ‘a,b, and c’ is me. I can’t anymore. More often than not what I think I am I’m not anymor. It’s hard to come to terms with that. Just because I’ve been thrusted into this new life does not mean I know how to cope with the changes that I have been blessed with. Most people can’t cope with everyday changes and I’m supposed to have it together because I have no choice in the matter but to change.
It’s tiring and I don’t have time to have expectations or goals for myself because well I feel quite awful when I can’t do whatever I set out to do.
My therapist would probably tell me I should; everyone would tell me that. I dunno. Maybe I do have them I don’t realize it. All I want is to be able to enjoy every situation I’m in. Maybe I just don’t hold myself to standards as I used to…my mind has been a mess lately. One day I got it together and the next day I’ve got nothing.
At this moment, not to sound cheesy or anything, I just want to be happy with the people I love and care about. I just want everyday to be easier than the previous one. I have things I strive for, I suppose. Which is the the same as a goal…? Then my goals change everyday. I want something different for my future everyday. That may be the reason hey I feel that way.