Today

It is what it is…

Since February, I feel all over the place. So much has happened. Big and small. Most of it small. All these small situations just add up. And as a result, I feel over whelmed. 

Today was one of those. Emotionally I’m done. My body is tired. This sounds like I’m gonna have a mental breakdown but it’s not bad. For everyone else, it’s a normal day filled with things to do. Nothing out of the ordinary. A normal day. 

For me? Your normal day is a marathon for me. Emotionally and physically I’m exhausted. Doesn’t take much for me to feel that. I need the rest of my day or night to decompress so I’m not an angry mess anymore. I become more Bahar and less Mr. Hyde. 

The end of yesterday ended with me crying. Not because I was sad but because I was overwhelmed. Maybe I did have a breakdown. It was brief. Hanging with my sister and her best friend helped. 

I’m not 100% just yet. I need a week to be good for the next weekend lol. It never ends. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to be a full functioning adult human being. It seems like it’s going to be endless. I have time, I suppose. :/
Life goes on…whether or not you’re ready. 

Feelings, Today, Update

So far so good

Update: My dad is doing really well with his physical therapy and occupational therapy. He’s gotten used to walking with his walker. He wants to get better quick. Lol he doesn’t like being stuck in one place for too long. He’s gonna get bored sitting at home with me. But I’ll have a friend during the day to enjoy coffee with. My grandmother, hopefully, is flying to America on Tuesday. If she stays with us during her stay, she’ll be hanging with us too. It’ll be good. 

All is well in my world. Since my dad’s ordeal, I haven’t been occupied with my own thoughts long enough. It’s not just my father, I guess, I’ve been preoccupied with getting our apartment together before grandma gets over, if she decides to. We want to be ready and be relaxed when we’re home. 

Let’s be real for a few. My best friend is moving to New Jersey; May 1st. I know, I know. It isn’t far. No, it isn’t. It’s different. He won’t be around and easily accessible anymore. When I miss him, I have to plan to see him. He’s gonna be making the drive a lot, it seems. We’ll see how it goes. 

I’ve been so confused about my life. I’ve written a post about what I want to do and what I expect. I don’t know. I don’t know what I want or what I’m going to do about it. I don’t know anything. I say I know one day and the next I think about it. I somehow decide that it doesn’t seem possible now and give up on that goal for next time; when I can do something about it. 

I was talking about art therapy last night because I was going through notes and books. I didn’t want to get rid of any of them but I couldn’t hold on to them especially if I wasn’t planning on doing anything in the near future with them. Then I started thinking about if I wait then everything I know will be updated in some way. I don’t have experience so if I look for a job later they won’t consider me because I haven’t got the hours in to be considered as an option. All these factors I have to think about. The pros and cons are weighed; what’s worth the time. Am I dedicated? Am I looking for ways out? Am I willing to push myself? Can I do a lot more than I believe or think? Is what I’m thinking a possibility? The real question for me is: can I actually make it through? Will I survive the hours of work? Will I over work myself? 

All those questions and more go through my head about everything. These are constant about anything and everything in my life. These are the type of things that keep me up at night. These questions are why I doubt myself. 

Thank you for listening. 

                 ‘You asked me for space’

Today, Update

Delay

I apologize for the delay. A lot has been going on this passed week. Where to begin?

I was supposed to go see my good friend Joey last weekend. Good thing I cancelled that (sorry Joe). On 4/9/17, my father got hit by a car at work. 

Right now, I don’t have anything else really going on. That’s on everyone’s mind. Well, my mom, sister, and I. That and the apartment. All they did was put new windows in like a month ago. The apartment is a mess and we’re quickly trying to get it together before my grandmother comes to the States on the 25th. 

My father got moved to a hospital closer to home, St. Charles. That’s the hospital that I was transferred to after Stony Brook back in the day. He’s doing well. The first few days he was feeling nauceous because of a concussion. His ear was kinda detached from the back. They had to stitch that up. His pelvis is broken right where his right hip is. His hip hurts. He can’t put wait on it. So walking is a challenge. Surgery is done, apparently, on the pelvic bone in extreme circumstances. My dad’s was not that situation. With that, he has to take it easy. Pain management is his treatment at the moment. One day at a time. 

Today, we had someone quickly paint the living room and hallway. Now, we wait for that to dry and things will start to come together…I hope. 

I’ve got many things to do. I have to get myself together and do things during the week. I need wine. That’s what I’ll be doing. Cleaning and sipping on some Sauvignon Blanc. That sounds like a plan to me! Just have to get it…

I don’t remember when I changed my allergy medication to see if something else worked. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. It doesn’t. My doctor had written me a prescription for the new allergy medicine, Xyzal. I hadn’t heard of it at that point so why not? 

Mistake. Everything about it was a mistake for me. My sinuses have been HORRIBLE. I feel like my eyeballs are gonna pop out. My face is in constant pain. I feel nauseous. I can’t move my head too fast because than I’ll vomit. Everything hurts. I wake up nauceous and with that I just want to sleep it off but there isn’t anything to sleep off. It sucks. Monday I will call my doctor to write me a prescription for Zyrtec because it’s cheaper that way. That’s the plan for the start of next week. 

I have to get the kaya creationss order done and sent out this week too. I’ll be working on that during the week as well. I’ve got some things to do in the coming week. Again, before grandma comes to visit. We’ll see, maybe my dad will be home by the end of the week, once they teach him how to climb stairs. 

Update

Where are you nice weather? 


Couldn’t have asked for a better picture with my dear sister. 🙃😂😘

I want nicer weather than what have at the moment. It’s grey and rainy. Well it stopped raining at the moment but still yucky outside. Makes you wanna stay home in your pjs and binge watching Netflix. Alas, today isn’t one of those days. 

Today only began and I’m already wishing I was asleep in bed. My eyeballs are burning. Lol when doesn’t that happen? Never. I took day quil because I felt shitty when I woke up this morning. I felt like that yesterday too. My body feels sore and achy. I’m stupid cold and my throat feels sore-y. 

We’ll see what happens with that. 

So my sister went to Florida and I am super jealous already. Hasn’t even been a day and I wish I was there. Obviously guys, Disney is calling my name and I told my sister that she better think twice about going without me. If she does, she better feel super guilty about it. lol that’s what I hope for. lol I’m not very nice about this. 

Oh and Key West. I’d love to go there again. It’s so cute and little there. Key West is a place where you can relax, eat good food, and just have a good time. It’s an easy vacay. 
Well, this summer will be good if I have people to travel with and want to travel. I’m not doing that alone again especially not spontaneously. I need to plan it either way. I need more friends than I have lol 

‘Till the next vacay…here’s to the next summer!