I’m gonna use this time to document what/how I feel after using 200mg of lamotrigine. I’m going to let you know how I feel for the next two weeks. I hope I don’t feel any different but I’m gonna assume that I won’t be a regular human being. We’ll see how things go.

I was supposed to start the higher dosage on Thursday, after my appointment with my neurologist…but I didn’t. I didn’t because I wanted to enjoy my friend Craig’s wedding on Sunday. I did have a blast and now it’s done. I’m home and I started taking the higher dosage tonight. I hope it doesn’t make me feel any different than I do now. Of course, I won’t know after a day or two.

In two weeks, I’m supposed to call and let the doctor know how things are going. I have a feeling that I’m going to be telling him that I hate how I feel overall. I don’t think it’ll be good. I’m gonna give it try and see what happens.

I feel like I’ve signed my life away but I’ll try to keep an open mind. I asked Matt and my parents to keep tabs on how I am. We’ll see…who knows? Maybe it won’t be bad at all or maybe I’ll hate every moment of it.

Apparently, no one liked me being emotional lol with that it kind of feels like no one ever liked my emotional self. Gotta make everyone else around me happy, right? Gotta bite the bullet and hope for the best. Who knows? Maybe I’ll like myself being someone else who isn’t me…

I understand why others might not want to be on mood stabilizers. You’re not ‘you.’ It’s hard to explain it to someone else who hasn’t been faced with it. Maybe that means there is something wrong?

I’m just gonna go with that no one liked me before or after. Heh. Whatever.

πŸ™ŒπŸ»wish me luck!


Last night,

I went to my friend Craig’s wedding! I brought Jenn as my guest and had a great time. I was well fed (thanks, Craig and Sandra!) and had some dance moments that were naturally, the best.

I am extremely happy that these two wanted me to be there for this amazing moment in their lives. Never thought I would be but I’m glad I was!

When I go to weddings or anywhere for that matter, I don’t know how to take photos. I forget. When I do it’s because someone else has told me too. I prefer it when others take these pictures and send them to me. So thanks to Jenn we got some selfies in there but didn’t get any with the bride and groom or of the venue itself :/

Oh so my medication, Lamictal aka Lamotrigine, has been increased to 200mg. This happened on Thursday but I haven’t started it because I wanted to have a good time at Craig’s wedding. I wasn’t void of emotions…not yet. My neurologist asked me if what I was feeling was anxiety and not seizure caused. Got me thinking, naturally. I don’t know what it is. He said I should take it for 2 weeks, let him know how it is, and if it doesn’t work, he’d suggest I get admitted into the hospital for a few days to see what’s going on. I’ve been on Lamictal for a good year before it was determined that I might have seizures but I never had a traditional seizure.

It might not be a bad idea for this to happen. Of course, I’d be terrified but then again, we’d all know what is going on and I’d know what’s normal or not. I don’t know. Most is speculation, on my part. Maybe what I think is happening isn’t the case, right?

A part of me wants to do that so I can be put on medication that might not make me into this emotionless cardboard box. I’m not a person that feels nothing. I am the one that cries when she is sad. The one that yells, screams, and says what she wants. I don’t suppress feelings of anger, happiness, or sadness. I am the one with feelings. I want to enjoy my friend’s wedding. I don’t want to worry about whether or not I’m gonna have fun. Who worries about that?

I’m fine with 150mg of Lamictal/Lamotrigine. I still have a personality. I felt the best at 25-30mgs. I’m gonna call my doctor again this week and tell him all this. Maybe I’ll try to make another appointment for as soon as possible and get this all off my chest. I don’t like it. I want something else that maybe works with Lamictal. I’m being too picky but I want something that makes me feel best.

I’d tell someone else to do that. I should take my own advice.

clear the air, The new me, Update


‘From their review of over 170 studies, the researchers found that entitlement creates a vicious circle:

1 Entitlement creates feelings of disappointment.

2 Disappointment leads to anger and other strong negative emotions.

3 The negative emotions require the person to reassure themselves they are special.’

The article I’m quoting is by PsyBlog. It’s a short piece. Before continuing this, give it a read. It might have you thinking about yourself…being honest with yourself and trying to be a better person isn’t a bad thing. Give it a try πŸ™ƒ

I don’t feel entitled. I don’t believe I am either. I’d guess that others wouldn’t say that about me but close family members might say ‘yeah. She might be.’ If you ask me that’s how I would respond with. Consciously, I’m not. Unconsciously, I might be. The things I say and do may not cry ‘entitled’ but underneath it all, that might be exactly what’s going on.

To respond to the three statements above:

  1. I do carry feelings of disappointment especially towards others around me.
  2. As a result, I do become angry towards said person. Strong negative emotions to the core.
  3. I always reassure myself that I am right and I am different therefore their reactions need to fit those differences.

So the question is: Do I think I’m entitled to certain things because of my accident?

Usually, when someone says on is ‘entitled’ they’re talking about material things that involve money. ‘I worked hard so I deserve…’ When you look at that, no I’m not entitled. What the article is talking about is more than that and I believe that’s what I’ve got going on with me lately.

‘I was in this accident; my world was turned upside down and everything is so different. I have to make all these changes without a choice.’ That’s the mindset I have going. If you’re a family member, it’s ‘if I have to change you have to’ and that usually follows with some statement about all this happening to me, I’m different. I deserve certain reactions and emotions from you. I can’t have you respond like a normal human being.

When I don’t get that, I get angry. I get angry because that’s not the reaction I deserve because of what happened to me. I believe this is a bit of a entitlement problem. It may not be clear or black and white but it’s there. Oh! At the end of these disagreements, I always start telling myself that I’m right and don’t deserve such reactions. The blame is shifted onto the other person without a thought. I can never be wrong because I was in an accident.

The hardest thing part of all this is admitting it to others or ‘out loud’ because admitting to yourself silently doesn’t mean change will happen. You then live in a state of denial and it’s easy to pretend you don’t do it. I’m writing about it. You’re reading this. I will put my tail between my legs and work on this. I will be kinder to others. I will remember that close friends and family are doing all they can. I’m not entitled to anything because of this. Everyone has gone above and beyond for me. I need to show more appreciation overall. I am humble but I’m humble to strangers and to those that aren’t around as often. I’m not humble when it comes to family. I have to work on this a bit harder because this doesn’t just involve me anymore; it involves everyone.

Oh and you’re not entitled to special treatment either. Is your name Mother Teresa? I didn’t think so. You know who else feels entitled? President Trump. But that’s for another time…

Hope you have a fabulous Sunday!

Public Service Announcement:

Don’t you dare look at the eclipse without proper glasses! I don’t need you to ruin your eye sight! Even for a second, don’t do it!

A Bahar explanation is this: the sky goes dark. Your retinas (the black part of your eye) gets big to see in the dark (that’s why owls have big eyes) and when the sun comes out within seconds, your eyes don’t have enough time to adjust. Your eyes in the back, that do all the work, burn. That’s why when the doctor puts those drops in your eyes to take a photo. Your internal structure of your eyes are out in the open and that’s also why you’re given some type of sun protection or asked to have someone else to drive you home.

Don’t be dumb. Don’t look at the sun. Just don’t. Sunglasses won’t work either.


Must see

I didn't edit this entry. Tread lightly.

I got up to see Atomic Blonde today with friends and some cousins. I loved the movie. This is a movie all girls and women should see. The main character and lead of the film is a lady. A woman! All eyes are on her. She runs the show and I was swooning!

I want to be Lorraine. I was happy that they never gave the main male character a part as big. She kicked ass. Literally, kicked many men. They didn't have her character sleep with the male character. I was hoping and wishing they wouldn't and they didn't! That made me love the movie more. I was worried that they would bring in a man 'to save the day.' Spoiler Alert: they didn't. Thank God!

I wanna be Lorraine Broughton.

There are gonna be those: oh. She's a female. She's never be able to beat up those guys. Blah, blah, blah.

I wouldn't be able to do it. I have brain damage. So yes, I would probably die. But why not? 1-it's a damn movie. Let us have this. Someone is better than a man, even if it is a movie, and men get all butt hurt and go all…this isn't real. Women can't do that. Hey. A lot of men can't do the shit on the big screen. Sit the fuck down. We're gonna play that game? For real. Men can't do any of the stuff they see. A woman in the Marines would have you eat your ass. A female blackbelt would as well. Anybody with training of any sort can do it. Just because you're a man doesn't mean you're automatically better. Being a man doesn't mean shit anymore anyway. Women can have babies without a man. Men get all butt hurt when a female doesn't need them. Almost as if they have nothing to live for other than finding a woman to plant their seed. Not the case.

Not the case at all. Women can do it alone. We can. That's the problem. Men can't do it alone. Men are the hunters, yeah? Women can do that too. Oh and they can prepare the hunted food. They can find a home. They can forage. Men know how to fight. Women can learn to fight and do it better.

People tend to put others down when they threaten their status. May it be their strength or mental status. When that happens, the person feeling threatened will start highlighting what the person can't do. That's to make themselves feel better about themselves. What I'm getting at is this is what people, now a days, do.

Men, start talking about all the things women can't do. Other women do that about their own gender. I believe that these women know they can't do it alone so they talk up the males about how they do all these things and how we can't do it without them. I don't believe it.

Those women can't do it alone. They need a man. I am brain damaged. I don't need a man. I want a man to be there for me. That's different. I need my parents. I don't need a man. No woman needs a man.